Eight Months of Winter
by vituska7
Summary: On an ordinary morning he received the most devastating news in his entire life. After that, he is a broken man. A part of him is dead now, and he's slowly losing himself. When, months later, the team makes a shocking discovery, he thinks he has a chance to start living again. What he doesn't know is that, along with that light at the end of the tunnel, darkness is waiting for him.
1. Chapter 1

**Hello everybody! So, here is my new story! It's the second one I try to write, so I'm not really an expert but I do my best. I created my account barely a month ago, so I can be considered still a newbie. Moving on, I wanted to try and write something about my favourite couple on TV right now. Yes, to me they're a couple, as you can see I'm a hard Densi shipper :) I just love them so much, so I wanted to try to deal with a fiction about them, let's see how it goes! PS This story won't be related to what they're doing on the TV show: I'm referring to the man Kensi saw through her scope (not saying his name to avoid any spoiler). I have to warn you, English is not my first language but I think I'm improving, let me know your opinion. Any kind of review, response, advice, or constructive criticism is more than welcome. Just let me know what you think about it. That said, I give you the first chapter!**

**Enjoy and review!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own NCIS LA**

Henrietta Lange stared blankly ahead of her, phone handset still against her ear, as she was trying to process the information she had just received. The phone call had ended long ago, but she was still in shock. This shouldn't have happened. She had caused this, she had put her in that situation. Her mind was empty, she could only think about what she had just learned. It had happened again. She had promised herself that something like this would have never repeated another time, yet she had failed, and this time it was all her fault. Because she was the one who had sent her there.

She didn't know for how long she sat in her office in complete silence, the tea she had poured herself slowly becoming cold. It was when she noticed the blonde man sitting at his desk that she understood she had to act. So she called Mr Beal through the interphone and told him to gather everyone in OPS, everyone but him. She wanted to speak to him privately. She finally got up and approached him. Had the situation been different, she would have laughed at his louzy attempts to hide the fact that he was taking selfies to send to... his partner. Once he saw her he sprang from his seat, putting rapidly away his cell, and acting casually.

"Jeez, Hetty. Always sneaking up when you don't expect it, uh? You're like a ninja. We should definetly get you a bell to wear around your wrist next Christmas, what d'you say? It would be a perfect gift... for everybody's sake." Seeing she wasn't smiling he straightened up and cleared his throat, trying to be professional. "Nope, no. Totally joking. Ok, well I heard Eric whistling so maybe I should get going, yep... so if you're cool with that I would..."

"Mr Deeks." She interrupted his babbling. "You weren't paged, you don't have to go upstairs. May I ask you to wait for me in my office? There is something we need to discuss." He looked at her with a confused expression on his face.

"Well, uh... ok. Just, is everything ok? Did I do something wrong?" Hetty didn't answer. She simply stared at him with a look that he couldn't read and then turned, heading towards the stairs.

"Wait for me, Mr Deeks. I'll meet you in minutes." He stood there for a few moments, then he sighed and moved to her office. He had no idea what was happening, but he knew better than questioning his boss. If she had paged everyone except him there had to be a reason, no matter how obscure. Besides, half the time Hetty's behaviour didn't make any sense to him, so he had simply stopped asking, also because he knew he wouldn't have received any answer if she wasn't inclined to give them to him. He had to accept this weird situation as it was, and wait for her to explain. Inside the office, he sat on a chair, twiddling his thumbs, not really knowing what to do. In the end boredome got the best of him and he started snooping around, observing the stuff on her desk and sniffing the strong scent spreaded by her collection of exotic teas. He got intrigued by the tea-cup on top of the desk, still half-full. Knowing Hetty, he immediatly thought that it was strange for her not to finish her favourite drink, it wasn't like her.

He was lost in his thoughts, trying to figure out what that only apparently normal tea-cup meant, when his attention was drawn by the sounds coming from upstairs. Someone was obviously shouting, but he couldn't make out what they were saying. Suddenly he saw Nell running out of OPS, tears running down her face, quickly followed by Eric, who was telling her to slow down. What the hell was going on? He was focused on the two analysts, whose behaviour had completely shocked him, so he didn't notice that Hetty had once again come down the stairs and was startled by her sudden appearance.

"Hetty! God, stop doing that. What... What is going on? Why is Nell crying? Did something bad happen?" He looked at her and was baffled by what he saw. Her face, usually so hard to read, was now sporting a very clearly sad expression. He could easily spot the sorrow in her eyes, and if Henrietta Lange was so upset something definetly worrying had happened.

"Mr Deeks, would you please sit down?" He hesitated for a moment, but then complied. Once she took her place on the other side of the desk, he waited for her to explain the situation, but he was starting to get very impatient, as she more then once had opened her mouth to speak, but had always stopped. Deeks didn't know that this was because she didn't trust herself enough to speak, because she was afraid that she would break down once she started talking. In the end, she took a deep breath and finally addressed the concerned man in front of her.

"I'm going to have to ask you to listen to me very carefully without interrupting me, do you understand?" Deeks just nodded. This was getting weirder and weirder.

"You know your partner was assigned to a classified mission in Afghanistan during these months."

"I know that, yes." He didn't understand why she was talking about Kensi now, but he remembered what she had said about interruptions and let her go on.

"Well, her assignment was to find this highly dangerous terrorist, known as the White Ghost and take him down." Why was she telling him this? It was classified information, he wasn't supposed to know. He suddenly had a feeling that something really wrong was going on, and a sense of fear started creeping up on him. He didn't like where this was going, not at all.

"I received a call this morning, from vice-director Granger. Yesterday they got intel about a possible White Ghost's hideout. Ms Blye and CIA agent Sabatino were sent there to complete their mission but, their information proved wrong. It was... an ambush." Deeks stopped breathing. She wasn't telling him what he thought she was telling him. It couldn't be. Slowly he started connecting the dots. Hetty's odd behaviour, the shouting he had heard before, Nell running away crying. Rationally he knew where this conversation was heading, but he couldn't think about it. He had to deny it, it wasn't possible. He just had to wait for his boss to tell him that, after all, everything was fine. Yes, it had to be like that. The alternative was... unthinkable.

"Ms Blye and Sabatino found themselves surrounded by enemies. She was in contact with Granger the entire time, so she reported when Sabatino was fatally hit, minutes after the shooting had started. Granger said she was managing to fight them off when... when their reinforcement showed up with artillery. They engaged and... they destroyed the building." Deeks shot up from his chair and started pacing back and forth, shaking his head. It wasn't true, it wasn't.

"No. No no no. I know you like to make fun of me most of the time, but this isn't a cool prank, so let's just stop it ok? Because this is a prank, this is a joke, right? You are not really telling me that Kensi is... I wanna speak with her. Give me a sat phone or something, I need to know that she's ok, I need to..." His voice was breaking, he was taking short, ragged breaths and he could feel tears starting to burn behind his eyes. He hadn't cried since that day in hospital after the tortures he had endured, but he didn't seem to have any control on himself. He couldn't bring himself to accept what had become so obvious, his brain couldn't process what he was hearing.

"Mr Deeks, Granger told me he lost every contact with Agent Blye after the explosion. There is no way that..."

"She could still be alive!" He was screaming now, unable to restrain himself. "I would know it, Hetty. If she were... I would feel it. Yeah, maybe they lost contact, but she could still be there. You have to put together a team and go rescue her. You have to provide her with backup, you can't just leave her. I can't..."

"Mr Deeks. There is nothing to do. That location was right in the middle of a red-zone. A team was sent to survey, but they couldn't get close enough, too dangerous. They could simply observe from afar, but it was reported that the place was completely burned to the ground. It's not possible that... that someone survived." He stood still, in the middle of the room. His mind went blank. He felt his throat constrict and blood ringing in his ears, as her words finally sank in and realization hit him full force.

For a moment Deeks' entire world stopped: he stood motionless, not feeling anything at all, a hand covering his mouth in shock and disbelief, staring into nothing with his eyes red with unshed tears, unable to do anything. After that instant passed though, he started feeling again. And when it happened, he wished he could have stayed numb forever. Yes, because he felt like someone had stabbed him right in the heart and was now continuously twisting the knife, causing a pain he had never experienced before. It was indescribable how much it hurt. He started clenching repeatedly his jaw, as shakings took control of his body. Looking at his boss Deeks felt, added to the unbearable pain that was consuming him, an unsurmountable rage growing inside of him. His breathing quickened as he tried to suppress that anger that was rising unstoppably, but he wasn't able to keep it together any longer. All those feelings, all those emotions eventually overcame him and he exploded. He slammed his fist on the desk, violently throwing on the ground the first things within arm's reach.

"You sent her there! It was YOU! You took her away from me with no reason! And you sent her in that hellhole! If you hadn't done it this wouldn't have happened. She would still be safe, she wouldn't be..." He lifted the chair where he was sitting minutes ago and with all his force he smashed it on the floor. Hetty didn't stop him. She just let him vent out his anger. She knew this would have happened, that he would have lashed out against her, and deep down she felt like she deserved it. Everything he was saying was true. She had sent her agent on that deadly mission, she had caused this. Also, she had broken her vow not to lose another agent. And having to face her responsabilty, her guilt, was short of unbearable.

Deeks kept screaming and shouting for a while, totally falling apart. In the end though, it all became too much for him and, completely worn out, he collapsed on the ground. Slowly the anger faded away, replaced by a feeling of sorrow and emptiness. He crouched there on the floor, head resting on his knees, trying and failing to choke back the sobs. He didn't want to believe this was really happening. In those months he had often dreamt about Kensi: if he had a nightmare, it was centered on her being in danger, and him unable to help her. That's why a part of him still prayed that this was just that, just a dream and that he would wake up to find a brand new photo of his partner on his phone, letting him know she was ok. But this wasn't the case. This wasn't a nightmare and she wasn't ok. Denying it would have only made everything more painful.

Eventually he raised his head and stared at the woman in front of him. Seeing that her eyes were watering as well didn't give him any sort of comfort. Sniffling, his voice broken and wavering, he finally found the strenght to speak.

"Say it, Hetty. I need to hear it. I need to know it's true."

"Mr Deeks..."

"Say it!" He cut her off. Hetty wanted to find something to say that could be helpful, but she knew it was useless. Nothing she could ever say would have mattered to the man crouched before her eyes. So she sighed heavily and complied, saying those three words. It was all it took. Three simple words to break him definetly.

"Kensi is dead."


	2. Chapter 2

**Hi everybody! Thank you so much for your response! You were absoultely amazing and I'm so grateful. Your comments really made me happy and, wow! Already 18 followers with only one chapter! I'm blown away, seriously. So, here is the new chapter. I saw someone was wandering about this. Yes, I'm planning on writing more of this, in fact this is only the beginning. So, with no further ado, here's chapter 2.**

**As always, enjoy, comment and review!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own NCIS LA**

Sipping his coffee, Deeks started nervously tapping his thumb on the car-wheel. He was getting really tired of waiting. He didn't want to stay there any longer. He had been stuck in his car for three hours now, hidden in a parking lot during night time, hoping for the meeting to begin. They had been investigating about an organization of illegal weapon smugglers that were doing business with dangerous terrorists and finally, after days of surveillance and investigation, they had managed to track down the big fishes, the ones at the head of the group, and their buyers as well. They had found out that an exchange would have taken place that night, in two possible locations, so they had split up in two teams, ready to catch them. They had to take advantage of this one-time chance.

Deeks was starting losing his patience, though. He was getting really frustrated, probably also because he was sick of hearing the man sitting next to him talking.

"...and after losing the bet I get dragged into this club. At that point I'm so drunk that I don't even realize that it's not an ordinary bikini bar. Once there, they push me into a room and there's this really hot dancer waiting for me. The part of me still trying to focus starts wondering why those idiots chose to get me a lap dance as a penance. I mean, lap dances aren't a penance, right man? However, I'm so wasted that I stop caring, so I start relaxing when the one that was supposed to be a _she _drops the nightgown and the underwear and I see that 'she' has one of the biggest..."

"We're on a mission, Carter." Deeks cut him off. "I don't care about lost bets or gay bars. We need to stay focused." Carter got quiet, staring at the blonde agent with an expression both offended and resigned. He was trying to do all he could, giving his best to try and create a connection, but he just kept driving his head into a wall. He heavily sighed, disheartened, dropping his head against the headrest of his seat.

"Look man, I'm doing everything I can to make this work, but it can't go on like this, don't you get it? You just keep pushing me away. I basically don't know anything about you and it's ok, I'm a private person too, but it's different. It's not like you don't wanna talk about some things, you don't talk about anything. Ever. We've been in this car for hours and you barely said a word to me, then you get annoyed if I try to break the ice. It can't be this way. We're supposed to trust each other. It's essential, we're partners." Deeks slowly turned to face him after he said that. He had a look on his face that was making Carter feel really uncomfortable. He also noticed that he had stopped tapping his thumb, sitting now really still, almost too still, while the vein on his neck was throbbing visibly. Just staring at him.

Carter couldn't understand how Deeks was feeling, how wrong those last words sounded to him. He subconsciously lowered his hand and started fondling the knife hanging from his belt. No, Carter was wrong. He wasn't his partner, he would never be his partner. Deeks opened his mouth to speak when lights and movements caught his attention.

"They're here. This is the right place."

"I'll let Callen and Sam know. They can be here in fifteen minutes." Deeks didn't acknowledge what Carter had just said. He was focused on other things. He saw multiple black cars stopping in front of the warehouse, and finally identified their targets: Jordan Tobin, the trafficker, escorted by a dangerous looking man, probably his bodyguard, and Zemar Qaderi, the buyer, who had brought with him a boy who couldn't have been more than 20. Taking a quick survey, Deeks counted approssimatively 9 armed guys entering the building. A minute or two passed when he noticed something that made him worry.

"Hey, do you see it?" He called Carter, who had no idea what he was talking about. "Two drivers are still in the cars, they left the engines running. Which means they will be out really soon, they're not planning on taking too long. Our timing is wrong, we have to go inside, otherwise they'll run away." Carter looked at him completely shocked. He couldn't be serious. What he was proposing was suicide.

"Are you out of your mind? We can't do that. There's too many of them, we're just two. No, we have to wait Sam and Callen, they'll bring back up and then..."

"By the time back up is here they'll be long gone. We can't miss this chance. Are you coming with me or not?" Deeks could see shock and a slight hint of fear in the dark eyes of the other agent. He knew he thought it was crazy, but he didn't care at all. He wouldn't force him to follow him.

"Do whatever the hell you want. I'm going." With that he silently got out of the car. Carter tried to stop him, but when he realized it was pointless, he mentally cursed and followed him outside. They split up, Carter covering the front, ready for whoever would come out, and Deeks the back. They moved in full stealth mode and Deeks managed to arrive in position unseen. He got inside the bulding and, from a hidden spot, he saw the criminals proceeding with the exchange. He had been right, waiting a little longer they would have missed them. Once he got visual confirmation, he knew he could act. So he took a deep breath and came out of his hiding place.

"Federal agents! Nobody move." Yeah, like they would have listened. As soon as he revealed himself all hell broke loose. Deeks just waited for them to fire the first shot, then he responded fire, taking down six guys all at once. Seeking refuge behind a rack, he waited for them to empty their clips, then he came out and started shooting once again. With the corner of the eye he saw Qaderi and two of his thugs running towards the main entrance, in an attempt to escape: he didn't worry, knowing Carter was waiting for them, but that caused him to lose concentration and a bullet grazed his arm. The sudden pain made him focus again and he fired three quick shots, making Tobin's bodyguard drop on the floor dead. The trafficker, who had been hiding behind his goon, seeing he was now alone tried a desperate move and raised his gun, but Deeks was much faster and hit him first, a bullet to the shoulder and two to the legs, leaving him curled on the ground moaning in pain.

Thinking the situation was now under control, Deeks took a long breath and started heading to the door, to see if Carter needed help, when he was startled by a bullet passing right next to his face. He rapidly turned around and then stopped. Standing before him was that kid he had seen with Qaderi.

"D-Don't move..." He was shaking really hard, gun unsteady in his hands, and it was obvious to Deeks that this boy had never found himself in a situation like this, and he certainly had never killed anybody before.

"It's ok." Deeks said calmly, taking a slow step forward. "I'm not a danger, you see? I'm out of ammo, you're holding the gun, I can't do anything." The boy raised his gun, seeing Deeks coming closer and closer to him.

"I said don't move! I'm not kidding! Stop moving or I shot you."

"I believe you... So do it. You're totally in control of the situation, shoot me." They were now face to face, barely an arm between them. From here the agent could see the tears in the kid's eyes. He was scared out of his mind.

"It's easier than you think, you know? You simply have to pull a trigger. From here you can't miss. Come on, a bullet right in the middle of the chest." The boy shook his head in fear and confusion.

"Are you crazy? You want to die?!" Deeks didn't answer, instead he took another step forward.

"Shoot me." Was all he said, looking at him straight in the eyes. _Shoot me, damn it. Please. _For a moment everything stopped. It was just the two of them and the gun between them. They stood there not moving, one in front of the other, unbelievable tension filling the room. Then, in a matter of seconds, the situation completely turned around.

Someone from outside started screaming Deeks' name, breaking both of them out of their trance, like someone had popped the bubble they were in. However Deeks was the first one to recover and, taking advantage of the kid's distraction, he knocked the gun out of his hand and hit him straight in the face, knocking him unconscious. He then released a breath he didn't know he was holding, both relieved and disappointed, but he pulled himself together and proceeded to cuff both him and Tobin, making sure that they had no way to try to escape.

Once he did that, he walked outside of the building, to assess the situation, but instead he was greeted by an unexpected punch in the eye.

"You're a sick son of a bitch!" The initial shock passed, he realized that he had just been hit by Carter, who was screaming at him, trying to get free from Sam's unbreakable hold.

"Are you nuts, Carter?" Deeks said moving angrily towards him, only to be pushed back by Callen, who whispered him to stay calm.

"I'm nuts? You're freaking insane! I've had enough of your bullshit! You dragged us into a crazy gunfight that could have gotten us both killed, just because you couldn't wait five more minutes for backup! No, you had to go inside and act like freaking Terminator and look what happened! I got shot and one of our targets is dead!" For the first time Deeks noticed that Carter was bleeding from an ear, and turning around, he saw the lifeless bodies of Qaderi and his two men.

"You killed him?" He asked.

"Yeah, no shit. They started shooting at me like crazy. You see this?" He pointed to his ear. "This is a bullet that almost hit me straight in the head. I had to defend myself, I was more focused on not getting gunned down that on being careful not to kill Qaderi. But still, the fault for this mess is definetly not mine!"

"Easy Rambo" Deeks was so bored with his incessant complaining. "There are far worse things that getting a bullet. I got shot too, see? And I'm not making a scene like you are. Besides, I managed to take my target alive, can you say the same?"

"I'm gonna kill you, you motherf..."

"Ok, enough! Knock it off, the both of you!" Callen interrupted their quarrel, then addressed his partner. "Sam, I've got this covered. I'll take care of things here. You take these two to base. Hetty will want to speak to them." Sam nodded and basically pushed the two men inside the car.

The ride back home was awfully quiet, Carter using all his energy to contain his anger, Deeks lost in his thoughts, not really caring about the situation at all, and Sam worrying about the man sitting next to him. It had happened again. After this, he was pretty sure he could guess the following unfolding of events. When they finally arrived, they found Hetty waiting for them.

"I was briefed by Mr Callen. Can you tell me what happened, gentlemen?" Deeks leaned against the wall, with his arm's folded, just waiting for Carter to snap again.

"What happened? What happened Hetty is that you have a loose cannon on your team. I don't know why you don't send him away. He can't be controlled, he's a danger."

"Mr Carter, please." Hetty stopped him. "Mr Deeks has proven to be one of our best agents, and who is part of this unit is my concern, not yours." Carter was shocked by what he had just heard. How could she defend him after that night?

"Well, it becomes my concern when _his_ actions put _my_ life on the line. He acted recklessly and almost got us killed." Hetty sighed heavily and tried her best to calm him down, already knowing that it would have been a failure, though.

"Listen Jason, I know Mr Deeks has a different way of working but..."

"No buts." Carter couldn't do this anymore. "It's not just the way he works. It's him. I've been here for more than two months and he's a stranger to me. There's no trust between us, but I tried. I tried so hard to establish some sort of connection, always fruitlessly. I was really happy when I accepted this job, I felt honored to have the chance to work for legendary Hetty Lange and with her team, but now... now I'm done. This isn't working. I can't have a partner whom I can't trust." He turned around and stared at the blonde man, seeing his eyes distant, like he wasn't even listening.

"You know what really drives me crazy, Hetty?" He chuckled sadly. "That he doesn't give a damn about all of this. And most of all that you keep defending him, even though I can't understand why." Deeks looked at him for a moment and then, just like that, he left the room, heading to their gun room.

"Yeah, exactly." At that point Carter lowered his head, resigned, then addressed the woman with a small voice. "I'm sorry, Hetty. I, I just can't. I'll let you have my resignation paper tomorrow." She simply looked at him with an apologetic expression on her face.

"I'm sorry Mr Carter."

"Trust me, I am more." With that, he turned and walked out. She stayed where she was for a few more moments, watching him leave, a sense of disappointment invading her. She had been really hopeful this time. He had lasted much longer than the others. She still remembered the first one of the agents she had tried to pair up with Deeks. He had lasted 8 days. Carter was only the last one in a long list of failed attempts. But when the second month had passed, she had actually started to believe that things were going better. She should have known that, just like with any other agent, it was just a matter of time.

Coming out of her thoughts, Hetty sighed and moved to join Deeks in the gun room. She found him concentrated on dressing the wound on his arm. When he heard her come in he barely lift his eyes, to acknowledge her presence, but kept treating his injury. Hetty simply looked at him, asking silently what had happened this time. It certainly wasn't the first time that she'd had to deal with something like this. Understanding what she wanted from him, Deeks stopped what he was doing.

"Waiting for backup would have meant losing them. My line of action was more risky but successful. We have Tobin in our custody. Qaderi is dead, but I arrested this kid who was with him. I pretty sure he's a relative of the terrorist. He can be useful to us." He explained. After pausing for a moment he went on. "In these months I always did my job. I always got his back. Getting into gunfights is part of this job. If he's not ok with that, maybe he should choose another career." He got up from his chair, ready to leave, but Hetty stopped him.

"Mr Deeks, it can't go on like this. Carter was one of the agency's top agents, you were working well tog..."

"We weren't working well." He cut her off. "I told you Hetty. I tell you the same thing everytime you pair me up with someone new. He wasn't my partner. None of them was my partner, and I don't want one. Not anymore. I work alone."

"Well, I can't allow that!" She had suddenly raised her voice. Why did he have to be so stubborn? "I can't allow you to go out alone, acting recklessly, risking your life. Do you think I didn't notice your behaviour? Do you think I didn't notice that, when you have to make a tactical decision, you always go for the hard one? The one most dangerous? The one that more probably can cause you to get a bullet?" She took a long breath to regain her coolness.

"There are people who care about you. Don't waste your life, Mr Deeks. Think about that, I'll give you tomorrow off."

"I don't need any..." He tried to protest but she was inflexible.

"Take tomorrow off. Use it to clear your head." She observed him clench repeatedly his jaw in frustration, as a hand tightened around the knife's handle. Noticing that, her tone softened.

"You have to try, Mr Deeks. You have to move on, it's time. It has been eight..."

"You think I don't know how much time has passed?" He interrupted her harshly. "You think I've forgotten how long it has been?" He closed his eyes, drawing a breath through his clenched teeth, trying to pull himself together, then he opened his eyes again staring into nothing, his tone really low.

"Maybe it's you who has forgotten, because it has been _more _than eight months. It has been 254 days, that is eight months, one week and four days. I don't need you to remind me this." His voice was cold and detached, but Hetty could see the whirlwind of emotions behind his eyes. She could clearly see how hard it actually was for him to talk about this, even after all this time. He was wounded in his soul, and she wasn't sure he would ever be able to heal.

"Mr Deeks..." She wanted to say something helpful, but he didn't give her the chance.

"If you're done Hetty, I'm going now. I'll see you in two days." He started walking out but stopped after hearing her.

"What would she think? Kensi wouldn't want you to be like this." He stood still, frozen in his tracks. For a second he remained silent, then, without even turning, a single whisper left his mouth.

"Kensi can't think anything. She's dead." With that he left, Hetty didn't try to stop him this time.

He got out of the building, stopping just for a moment to revel in the cool breeze of the night, then he started walking away. He totally ignored his parked car: he had no intention to go home and be alone with his thoughts, he needed a distraction. Walking down the street, no destination on his mind, he replayed the conversation that they had had minutes before.

_Clear your head... Move on... It has been eight months... _How could Hetty say those things? How could she think that there was even a chance that he could forget how much time had passed? He remembered every single day of those eight months. He clearly remembered the day she had given him the news, the day he had stopped living. It was still beyond his comprehension how someone could pass from complete happiness to total despair so rapidly. Even when they were separated, he was happy, because he knew that sooner or later he would have held her again in his arms, he had something to hold on to.

_"Our thing" _No man on Earth had ever been happier than him in that moment, when she had uttered those two words. It was a promise of something unknown and beatiful to both of them, and it was what he would focus on while she was away. Now, he couldn't even bear to think about it, it was just too painful, and it was a memory belonging to another life, to another man. Everything that had happened had changed him. He had retreated in himself, becoming cold and detached, to try to escape the pain and suffering that were eating him alive. After the first attempts of making him go back to his old self, of getting him to open up so to be able to overcome the grief, the team had stopped trying. They had realized that the old, playful Deeks was gone and so they had accepted this new, broken version of him, without trying to push him anymore.

In the beginning, he had even thought about leaving his job at NCIS. Going to work and feeling her absence everywhere was simply unbearable, but a part of him had stopped him, telling him that doing this would have let her down. So, he had chosen to do the exact opposite. He had finally signed his NCIS application form, had managed to pass the mandatory psych eval and, after completing training, he had become an NCIS agent. One of the best. He had thrown himself into work more than anyone else, succeding in missions considered too crazy or dangerous by anyone, all in the desperate attempt to try to find something to take his mind away, to make him stop feeling all those excruciating emotions. Yes, because on top of all that pain, on top of all those terrible feelings, he couldn't help but be tormented by a crushing sense of guilt. He felt that, if he had been more professional, if he had acted with his head, like she had asked him, if he had followed her warnings, Hetty wouldn't have sent her away, and she would have been alive now. And so, every though of her, everything related to her, that would have previously brought him so much joy, now had become nothing but a torment.

And yet he kept torturing himself, clinging to those things connected to her. Her knife, that he would always bring with him, the box, still unopened, the picture of them hidden inside his wallet. He couldn't let them go. He couldn't let her go.

_"Kensi wouldn't want you to be like this."_ Thinking about that suddenly made him angered. How dare Hetty use her against him? He had stopped blaming her months ago, but still, in days like this, he couldn't help but feel that, like him, she was responsible too. Responsible for the fact that he didn't have a partner anymore. Responsible for having been forced to tell a mother that her daughter was dead. Responsible for the fact that he'd had to carry an empty casket because there had been no way to retrieve the body. Responsible for the fact that his reason for living was gone forever.

He passed a hand on his face, rubbing his eyes to try and drive away those thoughts. Looking around he realized he had been walking for a really long time, and was now miles away from home. Suddenly, his attention was drawn by noises coming from the other side of the street, and moving forward he spotted a bar, not far from where he was. Istinctively he headed that way, entered the loud club and, once there, he took a seat and started ordering drinks, seeing it as the perfect way to cloud his mind and not think. It wasn't the first time he had acted like this after a particularly bad day.

He didn't know how much time passed, the alcohol burning down his throat he only thing he was aware of, but a certain point he heard a voice next to him. It took him a moment to realize they were actually talking to him.

"Drinking alone, pretty boy?" He turned and saw a blonde girl with a very malicious look on her face smiling at him.

"Uhm... yeah, that was the plan." She ignored what he had just said and sat next to him.

"Well, a pretty boy like you should never drink alone. Bartender, another one." She gestured for the barman to bring him another drink.

"So, something tells me you had a bad day."

"You can say that." He mumbled, emptying the shot glass in front of him.

"You don't like to talk much, do you?" She laughed. "No, you're more an introspective guy, you like to come here, all alone, and drown your sorrows into alcohol." He looked at this stranger, who was doing a really poor job at hiding her intentions towards him, shamelessly flirting with him, even offering him a dring to get what she wanted. The thought made him chuckle. She definetly wasn't like her.

"What are you drinking by the way?" He lifted his empty glass, not realy sure what to answer. He couldn't remember what he had ordered. He was pretty sure he wouldn't have been able to answer even if he hadn't been so drunk. When he had sat at the bar it hadn't mattered to him what to drink. So he looked at her and smiled sadly.

"Anything that makes my mind go blank. Anything... to make me forget." In his drunken state he didn't notice that she was coming closer to him.

"And what do you want to forget?" He paused before answering, biting his lower lip. He wasn't clear headed and didn't know how they had gotten to that point. He had come in here to stop thinking and now he was finding himself talking about her.

"A lot of things. Today, the last eight months... a girl." At that she smiled seductively.

"Oh, of course. It's always about a girl. Well, let me tell you something, baby. A guy like you should never be sad for a girl. There are thousands around that are just..." She put a hand on his thigh and started rubbing small circles. "That are just waiting for you..." He couldn't focus, too intoxicated by the drinks and by her perfume, that he could clearly smell now that she was so close, and that was numbing his senses. Seeing that he wasn't making any resistance, she boldly leaned toward him and with a lascivious tone she started whispering in his ear.

"Let me make things better baby... I can help you more than you can imagine." His eyes started burning, he wasn't actually sure it was for the drinks, as he felt himself starting to break. He despised himself for even taking in consideration what this woman was offering him, but there was still a part of him, deep down inside of him, that was relishing the idea of spending one night of oblivion, of having the chance to dull his senses and emotions. He stared into the green eyes of the stranger, so different from hers, so less intriguing and fascinating.

"Can you do that? Can you make me forget?" He asked, his voice faltering. She grinned, knowing she had won.

"Oh baby, you have no idea. Just try me..." Deeks tried to focus, tried to think clearly. In reality he didn't want to do this, this woman meant nothing to him, and he didn't even feel attracted to her. It wasn't that to tempt him, it was the fact that she was the complete opposite of her, that he was suffering, that drinking hadn't helped him to stop thinking about the last eight months, about her. Maybe, if he ha been less intoxicated, less drunk, he would have had the strenght to get up and go home, resisting to the temptation of having the chance to numb himself. But then he felt it. He felt the knife pressing into his leg, and suddenly he saw her, right before his eyes. Seeing that flash, seeing the image of her face when she had given him her father's knife became too much for him to bear.

When the blonde woman got up and extended her hand to him, he took it.

* * *

When Deeks opened his eyes, he turned his head and saw the woman lying next to him still sleeping. He got up from the bed slowly, managing not to wake her up, and headed to the bathroom. Once he closed the door, he stared at himself in the mirror. It only took seconds to feel the sickness creeping up to him, and rapidly he turned to the toilet and emptied his stomach. Once the retching passed, he took deep, long breaths, then he rinsed repeatedly his mouth and splashed water on his face, trying to overcome that awful feeling and to pull himself together. He felt disgusted by himself. Yes, he couldn't remember anything about last night, so he'd gotten what he had wanted, a night with no memories, but now all he could feel was nausea and that feeling of emptiness once again.

The exact same thing had happened also the other three times he had done this, during these eight months. He had always woken up feeling sick after those nights, both physically and emotionally, and today was no different. He couldn't send away that feeling of shame that was filling him. He felt that, by doing this, just to have few hours of peace, he had committed an injustice towards her, he had wronged her, so now he was all at once mad, disappointed and ashamed with himself.

Looking at his reflection for a few more moments, he sighed heavily and, once he was sure he had recovered from that sickness, he got out of the bathroom. Always silently, he gathered his clothes and quickly dressed. Before leaving, he turned to watch the girl still in bed. For a moment he thought about leaving a note, but then he realized that it was pointless. That night together was all she had wanted from him, nothing more. She wouldn't have missed him. Once he realized that nothing was keeping him there, he got to the door and walked out. It was really early, the sun still wasn't up in the sky. Deeks started walking down the street, hands in his pockets, enjoying the fact that he was completely alone so early in the morning. Since he had left the car at work, he had a long walk ahead of him to arrive home, but that wasn't bothering him. He walked with no thoughts on his mind, letting the cool air of this early hours wake him up completely, clear his head.

He didn't know how much time had passed, or how long he had been walking for, when something made him stop. He saw the sun finally rising, colouring the sky with different shades of pink and orange. It was wonderful, extremely beautiful. But that sight didn't warm his heart nor it brought him happiness and joy like it used to in the past. No, it brought only one thought to his mind, always the same he'd had every morning over the last eight months, the number the only thing changing.

_255. 255 days without sunshine._


	3. Chapter 3

**Hello everybody! How was your weekend? Wow, I have to thank all of you once again for your wonderful response and reviews. You're the best! I'm happy that you are enjoying the story. Sorry it took me this long to update, but I was kind of busy. However, thank you again! You make me happy everyday. Here's chapter 3. Enjoy and review!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own NCIS LA**

Deeks entered the OSP building at 9 a.m sharp, a little earlier than usual. He had spent the entire day off that Hetty had imposed on him playing with Monty and surfing, these the only two things that still managed to have a soothing effect on him, trying as Hetty had said to clear his head. So now he was more than ready to go back to work. He sat at his desk and started going through paper work for the other night's shooting. With the corner of the eye he noticed that Carter's stuff was nowhere to be found. That should have upset him, or he should have had to care at least a bit, instead he didn't even give it a thought, and simply kept working, enjoying the peace and quiet of being basically still alone in the room, the others still having to arrive.

After some time passed, Deeks started feeling like something was off. He looked at his watch and noticed that it was already 10.05, and no one still had showed up. Hetty didn't concern him, he didn't know where she was or what she was up to even when she was around, but Callen and Sam should have been there at least half an hour ago. He was thinking about that when he heard someone calling him.

"Deeks?" He jerked his head towards that voice and he saw, standing at the bottom of the stairs, the red-headed analyst, a confused look on her face. He lifted his hand, in a greeting gesture.

"Hey, Nell."

"What are you doing here?" She asked walking towards him. Now it was his time to be confused. What the hell was she talking about?

"What do you mean? Where should I be? On the other hand, where is everybody? Callen and Sam are never this late."

"They're, they're not late, it's just that... you don't know?" Deeks was getting really frustrated. Nothing of what she was saying was making any sense and was just confusing him even more.

"No. What should I know?" She frowned and started mumbling something to herself, completely lost in her thoughts. He barely heard something between the lines of "It's not right" and "I told him". Tired of being in the dark about the situation he cleared his throat, in the attempt on catching her attention. She lifted her eyes to look at him again.

"Sorry, I'm just trying to figure out why... oh." She raised her eyebrows ad stopped talking, and he realized she had solved her dilemma. Seconds later she confirmed exactly what he was thinking. At that point, he pressed her, curious to know what was going on.

"Nell? Care to explain?" She rapidly shook her head, coming out of her sort of trance.

"Yeah, sorry. It's not a big deal actually. Callen and Sam are at the boatshed, to interrogate the boy you arrested. They're hoping he has valid information and that they can convince him to cooperate. You should have gone there this morning, I told Callen to inform you yesterday, but I guess... he didn't, and... I think I know the reason"

"Yeah, I think I know it too." Deeks passed a hand in his hair and sighed heavily, knowing exactly what this was about. He had noticed that, in these two months, Callen and Carter were getting along really well, and they had soon become buddies. He didn't need to have Nell's IQ to understand that he was mad at him for Carter's resignation. He couldn't blame him for being angry, but still, he was really annoyed by his co-worker's behaviour. He was tired of people judging him for the way he acted or wanting to tell him how to behave. He snapped out of his thoughts and focused again, addressing the red-head.

"How long have they been there?"

"Half an hour, maybe? Do you want me to call them? We're in contact, in case they need us to look up possible information." He shook his head.

"No, don't worry. I don't wanna be left out, and I can be there in 15 minutes. Thanks anyway." He answered quickly and walked away, heading to the exit. While walking away, he heard her call him.

"Hey, Deeks?" He turned around and saw her smirking. "Callen's just... Callen. He'll get over it, just ignore it. Besides, Carter wasn't _that _cool. I mean, what kind of person hates comic books, right?" Deeks' grim look all together turned into an amused expression. Pretty little Nell Jones. With few words she managed to drive away his anger, at least a huge part of it. The fact that he could feel the hint of a genuine smile reach his eyes, something that had become incredibly rare, was once again the riconfermation of how important this girl had become to him. They had bonded so much during these eight months. While the others had constantly pressed him to open up, telling him that he needed help and to talk to feel better, and only achieveing the opposite, Nell had never pushed him, she herself not too great at talking about her feelings. She had simply been there for him, letting him know that he could rely on her, and actually he had found himself, even if only little, opening up to her with much more ease than he would have thought. She had this abilty to cheer him up so easily and, in moments like these, he was beholden to God for having a friend like her.

"Thanks, Nell. You know you're awesome, right?" She smiled and just shrugged.

"Yeah, I have my days. Now go, don't waste anymore time." He nodded and waving bye, he walked out. As soon as he hopped into the car and started driving, he thought again to Callen's 'sabotage' towards him and he felt Nell's calming effect wear out. So he spent the entire ride to the boatshed focusing on trying to keep his cool and restraining his anger. The fact that one of his co-workers, a friend, had taken not his side, but the one of basically a stranger, couldn't help but annoy him and drive him nuts. When he finally arrived, he took a few moments, taking deep breaths to pull himself together, wanting to follow Nell's advice, so not to start a fight in the middle of an investigation. Once he was sure he was calm, he opened the door and went in.

He got inside just in time to see Sam coming out of the interrogation room, the look on his face when he saw him basically saying _"Oh, shit"_.

"Don't worry Sam, I'm just here to work." Deeks reassured him seeing his worried face.

"Look Deeks, I know you're mad but..."

"So you showed up..." Sam's attempts of explaining were interrupted. Deeks turned and saw Callen coming out from the room in the back. Deeks drew a breath through clenched teeth. He had gone there intent upon letting go of what had happened, but hearing Callen having that dig at him istantly made him forget about all his good intentions.

"Well, I would have come earlier, but somehow I hadn't been informed. Very mature, by the way." He retorted.

"I don't want you on a case if you can't be professional." Deeks raised his eyebrows, feeling anger mounting inside him. After his behaviour, was he really accusing him of being the one who was unprofessional? Deeks wouldn't take that from him.

"Oh, so I'm being unprofessional? You're the one who acted way out of line just because you were angry. I'm sorry that your new friend is gone but you had no right to do this, Callen." The shorter man moved in silence towards him, slowly, eyes fixated on his. Deeks didn't back away, challenging him, and soon they were face to face.

"You think this is about Carter? He was simply the last straw. This is about you, about your behaviour, about who you've become. In these months I saw you retreat in yourself, shutting yourself away from everyone." Deeks couldn't believe he was the one giving him a lecture about being a loner. "You pushed away anyone who wanted to help you, or simply wanted to try and create a connection with you. You changed twelve partners, Deeks. Twelve partners. You're not the same, and you're not even trying to get better. We accepted your behaviour because we thought it was what you needed and, with time, you would have eventually gotten better. But it didn't happen. Instead you sank further and further, and the last assignment proved it. You acted recklessly, putting your life and the mission in danger."

"So you're saying _again_ that I'm a danger for this team? That I'm not a good agent? Callen shook his head.

"It's not the team that worries me. You're a danger for yourself. Your mind is not clear because you're still stuck to eight months ago." At that point Deeks felt it. He felt that whirlwind of emotions threatening to resurface, and he was forced to look away, in the attempt to keep his composure. He hated to be forced to face his problem. It was much easier to hide behind the walls he had built around him, but today they weren't letting him do that.

"Why do you think is that, Callen?" He said, his voice low and deep.

"We cared about her too. She was our sister." Sam stepped in, trying to make him reason. "Just, it's been so long, Deeks. Not moving on it's simply hurting you more, you're losing yourself." Deeks couldn't accept that he was really telling him to let her go. He took a breath and bit his lower lip nervously, finding the strenght to talk really difficult all of a sudden.

"So, what should I do? Just forget her? Because I can't. Would you be able to do it? If it were Michelle, would you be able to let her go?" Sam fell silent, not really knowing what to say. Noticing that his partner was in a tight spot, Callen intervened, unfortunately choosing the most wrong words possible.

"You can't ask him that, it's different. Michelle is his wife and..."

"Michelle is his wife and what?! What are you saying, that Kensi is less important? That she's not worth of being remembered?" He had a much louder tone now, almost on the brink of screaming. He jerked his head violently when he heard Sam speak.

"No Deeks, that's not it. Of course Kensi is important, and you must remember her. But she is dead. And you didn't die with her." Deeks felt his eyes redden and swallowed, choking back a sob. It was still so hard. Still to this day, faced with the horrible truth, spoken straight as an arrow, just harsh and honest, he found his control slowly slipping away from him, all the defences he had managed to build up threatening to tumble down.

"We are not your enemy. You're part of our family, we just want to help you deal with this." Deeks didn't reply for a few moments, staring absently into nothing, looking at neither one of the two. He wanted to stop talking about this right now, so he worked interiorly to regain his composure, He rubbed his eyes and drew in his breath with a long sigh, feeling himself calming down little by little, as he put back his emotions at bay. Once he started talking again, his self-control had already come back, his walls up once again.

"You want me to deal with this, Callen?" He finally stared at the other agent. "Well, the best way I can deal with it right now is doing my job. It's what is keeping me together." Deeks saw him ready to protest, probably to tell him that he needed some other sort of help, but he quickly interrupted him.

"I'll talk about it, ok? I'll do it. Just not now, not when we have a suspect in a nearby room waiting for us to end our fight." That comment basically put an end to their discussion, because they all knew they needed to go back to work. That was the important thing right now. Exchanging looks, Callen and Sam realized they were thinking the exact same thing, so G. turned again to Deeks and, tilting his head to the side, he eventually complied.

"Ok, just for now Deeks." He nodded, happy to have escaped this, at least for a little while. Glad that this problem had been set aside for the moment, he went back into agent mode, asking questions about the interrogated.

"So, what do we know about this kid?" Sam rapidly briefed him.

"Benham Qaderi, 19 years old. He's Zemar's nephew. His father, an islamic fundamentalist, killed himself in a suicide bombing when he was 11. He was raised by his mother but she passed away last year so Zemar took him under his wing. Apparently he had started introducing him to his world and to the people he 'worked' with, basically teaching him Terrorism 101. That's why he was at that meeting. Apart from this though, the kid hasn't said much. He's scared out of his mind." Deeks reasoned on the information he had just received, than he communicated the other two his plan.

"Ok, I think you should let me go in." Callen immediatly made a dubious face. "I mean, he knows who I am. We created a connection. I found myself face to face with him in that warehouse and I tell you, there's no way that kid is a terrorist. I think he's simply too afraid. Maybe he'll open up if he talks with someone he already met. I think I can convince him to work with us."

The others thought about it for a second, then Sam glanced at his partner.

"It's worth the shot." Calen looked at him, then looked back at Deeks and finally agreed.

"Ok, let's do this. Try to make him talk. I'l put you in connection with Nell and Eric, so they can look into everything he might reveal." Deeks nodded and headed to the door of the interrogation room. For the briefest moment he didn't move, reflecting on how to act once in, then he straightened up, his face severe, and he went in, closing the door behind him. He found the kid slightly trembling, his head resting on his hands, and when he looked up at him he saw his scared expression and the tears in his eyes.

"Do you remember me?" Deeks said, sitting in front of him. The kid nervously shaked his head yes.

"Yes. You are the crazy agent."

"Yeah, I'm Agent Deeks, and I bet you can say that about me..." He chuckled for a moment, then he went back to be serious. "You're in a lot of trouble, Benham. Weapon smuggling, attempted murder of a federal agent, involvement in terrorist activities, I mean, you are facing lifetime in prison here." If he was scared before, now he was completely terrified. He started shaking really hard and tried to deny everything.

"No, no! I am not a terrorist, I didn't do those things, and I never hurt anyone! I am sorry I pointed the gun at you, but I was panicking, I was afraid and..."

"Oh, come on Behnam! I'm not an idiot so don't treat me like one!" Deeks had seen right. This kid had never been involved in something similar to what had happened the other night. But for his plan to work, he had to push him even more, so he kept his act and kept attacking him with his voice loud. "Don't try to deny it, ok? You were there, at that meeting, never leaving Zemar's side. If you were different, if you were innocent, he wouldn't have brought you there." Benham kept denying but Deeks didn't leave him alone, he kept pressing him, wanting to take him to the limit.

"Yes, I bet he wants you to become his heir, he wants his legacy to live with you. Is that what you want? Follow his footsteps?"

"No, I'm not..."

"Or even better, you want to be like your father? You want to make him proud by blowing up as many infidels as possible?"

"Stop it..."

"Yeah, you are just like him, and just like your uncle."

"No, I'm..."

"There's no difference between you. They were terrorists, you are a terrorist. You're like them, you're a murd..."

"Shut up! Stop it! I am not like them! I am not a killer, I am not a terrorist! My uncle is a terrorist, I am not like him! I am not!" Deeks fell quiet as the boy started screaming at him, totally coming apart at the seams. Deeks had done it, he had taken him exactly where he had wanted. So he watched in silence as he broke down in tears, sobbing uncontrollably. He gave him a minute to vent his feelings, then he spoke again, with a much softer tone this time.

"I believe you, Benham. I know you're not like your uncle. I knew it the minute I saw you. While you were holding that gun at me all I could think was 'there is no way this kid is a killer, let alone a terrorist'. And I think you don't want to become one either." The boy lowered his eyes, rubbing away the tears, as he slowly calmed down. "Benham. Your name means good and honorable. I think you know there is nothing honorable in what your uncle was doing, and I think you want to get away from his world as fast as possible. I can help you do that. It's not too late, you're young and you didn't do anything as serious as Zemar's crimes. You still have a chance. Cooperating with us you can live up to your name. By helping us you can have the opportunity to start again, to have a life good and honorable." The kid passed a hand through his hair, tormenting his lower lip, while reflecting on what the agent in front of him had just offered him.

"I just want this to end." He whispered.

"I know, and it can. You just have to work with us." Deeks encouraged him, hoping that he had been convincing.

"If I do this, can you really help me?" Deeks answered with a steady voice.

"I promise you." Benham sighed heavily and, after a moment of silence, he looked up again and nodded.

"...My mother wouldn't have wanted me to become like them. And neither I want it. I am tired of all this violence, of all this death. So yes, I agree. I will tell you everything I know about my uncle's activities." Deeks looked into the kid's eyes, glad that he had been able to convince him, that his plan had been successful. A small part of him was also happy because, through this kid's help, they would have managed to stop people like Zemar, and doing so, someone else would have been spared the pain of knowing that their loved ones had been killed in a terrorist attack. He couldn't help but be a bit jealous though, thinking that it was already too late for him.

Snapping out of his thoughts, he briefly stared at the camera in the room, as a sign for the others to keep ready to look into every information. Then, his eyes fixated again on the young man in front of him, and he gestured for him to begin. After a short moment of hesitation, Benham straightened up and started talking. With a broken voice, he told him everything about what he had seen and learned staying with his uncle. He told him about where he would hid the smuggled weapons, where his hideaways were. He told him the names of his most relevant accomplices, and what or who his targets were. He talked non-stop, his voice faltering briefly when thinking back to the atrocities he had witnessed. The interrogation proceeded smoothly all along but, at the very end, something unexpected happened, and things took a very drastic turn that none of them could have ever predicted.

"...then three weeks ago he brought me to this building in the middle of nowhere." Deeks had asked Benham if he had ever met some of the people Zemar used to work with, and he was now recalling the last one of these meetings. "I understood immediatly that it was serious, because there were really a lot of armed men guarding the place. When we arrived, uncle took me aside and told me that I was going to meet one of his most important allies. That I could learn a lot from this man, a true master in inflicting damage to the infidels. We were escorted inside and this man came to welcome us. My uncle turned to me and said "Benham, I proudly introduce you to one of the men I respect the most. The infidel who took the right path. I introduce you to the White Ghost." Deeks opened his eyes wide, in complete shock. Had he just heard what he thought he had heard? He opened his mouth more than once before he manage to actually utter a sound.

"You... You met the White Ghost?" The kid nodded uncertainly, slightly worried after seeing the agent's expression change all of a sudden. Deeks on the other hand, was fighting not to lose it right there, clenching his jaw so hard that his teeth were hurting. He had met him. He had met the man responsible for her death, the man who had took her away from him. They had never found information about him till now, but this boy had seen him. He knew who he was, and now that this monster had become real, now that he finally had a lead, Deeks needed to know who he was.

"Tell me his name." Deeks said in a low tone, almost threatening.

"I don't... I don't know his name." Deeks' hand closed into a fist, as he felt anger rising uncontrollably. Without realizing it, he was already screaming.

"What do you mean?! How can you not know his name if you met him?!" He started lashing out against the scared boy.

"They did not tell me! He said that only most trusted people could know it. Please, I am telling the truth." Deeks took short, rapid breaths, shutting his eyes. He had to keep it together, he couldn't lose control, otherwise he didn't know what he could have done. It was so hard though, and so frustrating. He had never been this close to this man, he had never had the chance to avenge her, and now that he had finally somewhere to start, another obstacle just popped up. He slowly felt his breathing evening and when he was sure his rage had diminished, he opened his eyes and stared in the camera, mouthing "It's ok", so that Callen and Sam knew they didn't have to worry.

"Sorry Benham." He said turning once again to the kid. "I shouldn't have reacted like that. It's just... we dealt with this man a while ago, and I've been waiting for the chance to get him for a really long time." Once everything was cleared, and he saw him starting to relax, Deeks decided to focus on what he had, rather than on the fact that they didn't have a name. So, using his detective skills, he started going through what Benham had said before that reveal.

"Ok, there is something that sounds off to me. You said 'the infidel who took the right path'. What does that mean?" The boy looked at him like it was obvious.

"Well, it means that he is occidental. He is american." Deeks couldn't help but stare at him with his mouth open. Their worst enemy was actually one of them.

"He's american?" Benham nodded. "Well, you don't know his name, but can you describe him?" If he was really a traitor from their country, then there was a slightly higher chance that they would manage to identify him.

"Yes, he was tall, with short brown hair. Uhm... a big nose, and a scar on his left eyebrow. And his eyes..." He said shuddering. "He had dark eyes. The most evil eyes I had ever seen in my entire life." Listening to him, Deeks started picturing him in his mind, knowing that Nell and Eric were already recreating him on their computer, but he couldn't wait. He needed to give this man a face right now. After Benham finished with his description, he encouraged him to go on with his story.

"So, take me back to that meeting and tell me everything you remember." He saw the kid's face immediatly cloud over as he close his eyes, like he didn't want to remember. Deeks understood that he wasn't about to hear a nice story, not by far.

"After being introduced to him, he showed us around the building. I was explained that it was some sort of training camp for terrorists, a safe location where to hide, and an interrogation center. After that, he led us to another room, and he said that I had come exactly at the right time. That he was about to teach a lesson and that I would have... I would have witnessed something amazing. We entered into this big, crowded room and I saw in the middle a chained man. His face was bloodied and bruised, and he was one of your soldiers. White Ghost went near him and forced him to say his name. Then he started talking to the others, saying that he had been captured during a reconnaisance mission, while he was spying their activities. He said he had been a stupid and that he would have paid for that. So he ordered... he ordered his m-men to pour gasoline on him." Benham started shaking, recalling that horrible memory, his voice wavering.

"T-then he went near that soldier and s-said 'You wanted to be a hero? Sorry, you tried to play with fire, and you know what happens if you play with fire? ...you burn.' And h-he did it. He s-set him on fire in front of everybody. I h-had never seen something so, so cruel and horrible. I can still hear h-his sc-screams." Remembering that the kid completely broke, tears running down his face. Deeks felt sympathetic towards him. He was so young and he had already been forced to witness these horrors by deranged men. So that's who this White Ghost was. That's what he was capable of. He was someone who considered amazing burning to death a defenceless men. Thinking about that, he asked the boy the identity of the dead soldier, saddened at the thought of a possible family that was still waiting his return. When he was told his name, Deeks immediatly recognized it. He had heard about his disappearance a few weeks ago. It was terrible to know that he had died in such an awful way. Snapping out of his thoughts, he focused again on the kid in front of him, who was now sobbing quietly. He asked if there was something else, any other relevant detail, if he had noticed anything else. He shook his head sniffling.

"No, I don't rememb... wait." He stopped all of a sudden, absorbed by a thought. "Yes. There is something else, there was another prisoner, a woman." Deeks was surprised and curious about that. He hadn't heard anything about missing female agents lately.

"Was she one of ours?" Benham nodded.

"Yes, she was western too." Now that they had found out about a MIA agent, they needed to have as much information as possible, so to identify her.

"Can you describe her, Benham?" He narrowed his eyes, extremely concentrated.

"She was very beautiful, she had long dark hair, and was very thin. I am not sure because she was on her knees, but I think she was also tall. Oh, and she had brown eyes. But they were strange, like... lik they weren't the same colour."

Deeks stopped breathing, so strong the shock was. No. He had heard wrong. He had to stop thinking what he was actually thinking, it made no sense to torment himself with useless hope. It was obviously a coincidence, it couldn't be anything else. But still, there were so many similarities, and he couldn't help but feel a thought starting going through his mind. He didn't want to believe it, he didn't want to hope, but at the same time he couldn't do anything else. He felt his heart-beat increasing and he asked with an unsteady voice.

"What, what do you mean with that?"

"Well, just what I said. That they weren't of the same colour."

"Be more specific." He said through clenched teeth, forcing himself not to scream at the boy and to keep calm.

"They were brown, but of a different shade. One was like hazel, while the right one was much darker, almost blackish, like there was a shadow over it." Once he heard that, Deeks shot up from his chair and started pacing back and forth, passing a hand through his hair under the baffled gaze of the interrogated. No no no. It couldn't be. His mind was just playing nasty tricks on him. She was dead. She had died eight months ago, Benham wasn't talking about her. Even if the description matched it was impossible. But what if...? Were they wrong all this time? They had never retrieved the body, they had never had visual confirmation. Could it be? For Deeks it was done. Once that smallest doubt settled in his mind, all the control he had left flew out of the window.

"What was her name?

"Why are you so ups..."

"What was her name?! Answer me!" He screamed, slamming his fist on the table so hard that Benham stood up totally terrified.

"I, I don't know! I don't rememb..."

"Don't try to tell me that you don't remember, think about it! If you say that you don't remember it it means that you heard it and therefore that you know it. So you better focus Benham because I will know that name." He didn't care that he was threatening an innocent, scared kid. His being professional, his composure didn't matter anymore. Now that he had the slightes bit of hope, even if so unlikely, he would have clung to it, no intention of letting go. He had to know that this was real, that this wasn't just one other of his dreams. So, seeing that the boy was unresponsive, probably because of the fear that was consuming him, he stared at him to make him understand that he had never been more serious and pressed him again.

"Tell me! Now!"

"Deeks that's enough!" He turned abruptly and found Sam on the doorstep.

"Get out Sam. I mean it." His friend didn't listen to him though, instead he took a step forward.

"You have to calm down. It's useless acting like this. Come with me and we can discuss this later." Deeks wasn't listening to him, he was thinking about something else. He had to solve this. Now. He couldn't have this doubt much longer. Sam was only making him waste time and he had already wasted too much time. So he decided to do something drastic, something that would have made him understand that this wasn't negotiable. He took out his gun.

"Get out Sam, seriously. I can't come with you now, I can't wait much longer. I need to know." Despite knowing that Deeks wasn't a threat for him or for the boy in the room, seeing him like that, with the gun in his hand, the blood-shot eyes, and the murderous look, couldn't help but freak Sam out a little. He looked really crazy. Yes, he wasn't a danger, Sam didn't doubt that the gun was all an act, but that desperate expression on his face was the sign that he would have done anything to get what he wanted, that's what was worrying him. On the other hand, dragging him out by force would have only made things worse, he would have never been able to calm down without solving this. So Sam looked at him for a few silent moments, reflecting on what to do, and then he took his decision.

"Five minutes, Deeks. Then I come get you." With that he went out, closing the door behind him. Glad that he didn't have to worry about that situation, at least for a bit, Deeks turned back around to focus again on Benham. He was shaking like a leaf now, scared beyond words.

"So, did it come back to your mind?" He spoke with a deep voice. The kid started mumbling something unintelligible, too terrified to say something that actually made sense. Pushing him again, Deeks stared at him straight in the eyes and moved forward.

"Please, please! I really don't remember! I only saw her that day and she never spoke. Only the White Ghost talked to her, and he said her name only once. I think it started with the K but I can't remember anything else. I swear!" Deeks started taking short ragged breaths, suddenly finding really hard for air to reach his lungs. His throat constricted, he felt cold sweat running down his spine, and his heart started beating a mile a minute, like it was ready to burst out of his chest. Could this be real? Could this be happening? His mind was still trying to process the information he had received, an information that brought him one step closer to believe that something impossible was happening. Yes because, if in eight months he still hadn't fully accepted that she was dead, now, after so long, his brain was having difficulty to accept the opposite, and it could see the possibility that all this was true, that she was actually alive, only as something logically impossible. So he realized that, at least to have some sort of mental clarity he needed something to be sure, he needed a proof. He started frantically thinking about what could help him when it crossed his mind, and he felt like punching himself in the face for not thinking about this earlier.

He took his wallet from his back pocket and, after fumbling around, he found what he was looking for, and he slammed the photo in the kid's face.

"Look at this picture. Is it her? Is this the woman you saw?" Benham looked at him totally lost. Why was he showing him a photo now. Seeing he wasn't focusing Deeks lost it once again and punched the wall next to the boy's head.

"Don't look at me! Look at her! Do you recognize her?" Startled the kid immediatly did as told and looked at the picture. It was the agent in a gym with a smiling girl.

"I can't be sure... I'm not..."

"Focus Benham and tell me! Is it her?!" He wasn't just screaming now. His tone was desperate. Seeing that he had no way out, the boy focused really hard on the photo and he tried to recall every detail about the woman he had seen. Only when he was sure he spoke again, timidly.

"When I saw her she was much thinner, but I think... it's her. The eyes... she has the same strange eyes. Yes. It has to be her."

Deeks suddenly felt dizzy, his head spinning, and a sense of nausea crept up to him, as shock threatened to overcame him. It was true. It was impossible but it was true. The reality of the situation finally hit him like a punch in the gut, and he had to put a hand on the wall, fearing to pass out any moment. He stared into nothing, too shocked to move, to speak or to even think. Only after what seemed an eternity, through his shaky breathing, choking back a sob, he finally managed to whisper that single word.

"Kensi."


	4. Chapter 4

**Hello! How is everybody doing? Guys, I just want to say how awesome you all are. I can't believe how enthusiastic the response I got was. All that reviewing, following, favoriting genuinely caught me by surprise and I am thankful for it. I want you to know how happy you make me! Moving on, here's chapter 4, but before that I have to ask an advice. I had started this story not wanting the White Ghost to be Jack, but after watching the last episode I sort of started changing my mind and developing this new idea. It's just a thought, but I really would like to hear your opinion since it will be relevant later in the story. So please, let me know what you think about this, even through a PM, however you prefer, and thank you again! That said, I give you the new chapter.**

**As alway, enjoy and review!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own NCIS LA**

"Deeks you have to calm down right now!" After he had showed the photo to Benham and after he'd had the confirmation that the impossible had actually happened, Deeks had stormed out of the room, he himself not even sure about where to go or what to do. He had to get to Kensi, that was the only thing on his mind. He couldn't stay there and lose time, but he had been promtly stopped by Sam, who was now actually having a really hard time to restrain his completely out-of-control friend.

"Let me go, Sam! Get off me!"

"You're not thinking straight! You have to stop for a moment and get yourself together!" Sam tried to make the upset man reason, but nothing seemed to work, as he only intensified his struggle.

"Let go! I can't stay here! We have to move, I have to get to her, I have to...

"Hey, hey!" When Callen clapped his hands right in front of his face, Deeks for a moment snapped out of his frenzied state and became aware of the agent in front of him, and that he was trying to communicate with him. "You need to stop freaking out, it's completely useless. We are as shocked as you are but there is nothing we can do until we get to the bottom of this, ok? We need to analyze the situation with our mind clear." Deeks shook his head as he struggled with words, since his erratic breath and his agitation were making talking extremely hard.

"No, there's... there's nothing to analyze! She's alive! He recognized her, you saw it!"

"Yes, Deeks. I saw it. I saw a totally terrified kid say that a woman in a picture was similar to someone he had seen three weeks ago, only once, and while he was in a very anguished state of mind."

"No, he said he was sure! You heard the description, it's her! Her eyes... it has to be her, it cannot be anyone but..." He was becoming distressed once again, his screaming only louder, so Callen understood that he had to act now, before he could completely lose his mind.

"Deeks! Stop, ok? Just stop!" Callen interrupted him, exceeding the screams of the blonde with his. He was in shock, talking to him calmly wouldn't have had any effect, so he had to catch his attention this way. His thinking actually proved right, as Deeks stopped thrashing around and eventually started listening to him.

"Snap out of this right now and start focusing! This situation was unpredictable, unthinkable, but now we have to look at it rationally. We all want to believe that what Benham said is true and hell, I know that you _need _to believe it's true, but even if it actually is, going crazy and acting out will be of no help at all. If he's right and this is real, Kensi will need you 100% focused, do you understand? So stop being hysterical and get a grip!" He was still struggling when Callen's last words hit him. He was still in shock, he still hadn't processed fully what had happened, and in his confused state he had been so desperate to somehow get to her that he hadn't even realized that he was acting insanely. But now, thinking a bit more clearly, he could tell that Callen was right. He couldn't do anything in that state, he had to pull himself together, for Kensi's sake. So he closed his eyes and concentrated all his energies on calming down. He took long deep breaths, in the attempt of evening his labored breathing, and slowly he felt the adrenaline wear out and his heartbeat slow down. Noticing that his struggling had reduced impressively and that he was finally regaining control, Sam decided to let go of him, but when it happened, he didn't move. He stood there, eyes closed only focused on breathing. He didn't know after how long he finally opened his eyes and whispered few words.

"She's alive." He had felt a pyshical need to say that, as if uttering those words could have actually confirmed that this was happening. He clenched his fist so hard that his fingernails stuck in his palm, and that pain caused the smallest hint of a smile to appear on his face, because it meant that he wasn't home, coming out of a dream, like it had happened so many times in these months. No, this time it was real. He looked up to the other two agents, determination on his face, as he repeated that once again, much more firmly now.

"She's alive. Kensi is alive."

Silence fell into the room, everyone too shocked or worn out to say anything. Callen and Sam were trying to stay strong and focused, almost detached from the situation, for Deeks' sake, but all of this had had an impact on them too. They were finding it very hard to believe. Kensi, their friend, their little sister could actually be alive after all this time. Yes, they were being skeptical, they had to be, to examine fully what was happening and not let their emotions get the best of them as was happening with Deeks, but still they couldn't help but feel a flicker of hope growing inside.

Their consideration were interrupted when they heard a beep and all of a sudden they found Nell on the screen staring at them.

"Guys, I need your attention. There is..." She got quiet and moved to the side, Hetty's never-more-serious face replacing hers on the screen.

"Agents, I want you to come back here immediatly. Someone is already on the way to take care of Mr. Qaderi, so you can move now. I'll be waiting for you in Ops. Hurry." With that she cut off communications and the screen went black. The first one to move was Deeks, by now shaken out of his trance, followed rapidly by the other two. He literally ran to his car, jumped in and sped away. Of the 15 minutes necessary to do the journey, he used only 5 of them, and nevertheless to him they were endless. He kept replaying what had happened over and over again. It seemed like his fight with Callen that morning had actually happened in another day, in another year. Everything had lost importance after his conversation with Benham, he could only think about her now. She was alive. On the other side of the world she was alive, she was breathing. He couldn't help but think that subconsciously he had always known it. Ever since Hetty had given him the news. He had always thought that he would have felt it if she had actually been dead, that he would have noticed it, and that's why he had never been able to let her go completely. Because a part of him had been aware that she was alive. And now that he had proof, nothing would have stopped him from getting her back.

He arrived at base, Callen and Sam not far behind him, and he stormed inside, not slowing down until he was in Ops, where Hetty, Nell and Eric were already waiting. The two analysts had a beyond-upset expression on their faces, and Deeks could also detect the distress hidden behind his boss' inscrutable face.

"Everybody heard the interrogation, right? You heard what the kid said. So what are we gonna do Hetty, what is the plan?" He adressed her immediatly, wanting to face the situation right away, not even acknowledging Callen and Sam's arrival.

"Mr Deeks you have to calm..."

"No!" He stopped her before she had the chance to finish. "I'm not gonna calm down, not again! Callen was right to tell me not to lose it and that I needed to focus, so I'm doing it. I'm focused. I'm focused on her. So don't tell me to calm down, because I just found out that my... my partner, who you said had died eight months ago, is actually alive and has been a prisoner all this time." He was now panting, doing his best not to lose control and scream against her. He turned when he heard Callen speak.

"Could this be true, Hetty? Could she be alive?" Hetty remained quiet for a bit before answering, processing the evidence they had.

"Well, we never found her body, and the boy did identify her in the picture, so yes. However unlikely, there is the chance that Ms Blye might be alive."

"Then there's nothing to discuss. We're going." Deeks turned surprised. He had been about to say that same thing, but he had been preceded by Sam. He stared at him and saw the look of support in his eyes. "We never leave a man behind." Deeks nodded, extremely grateful to his friend.

"I perfectly understand that this situation is upsetting for everyone, but you cannot act on your emotions, especially you Mr Deeks. We never faced something like this before so you need to stay focused and evaluate the situation. Mr Qaderi could be wrong, he could have confused her with someone else, and even if he's right, she could be dead now. We are not sure of anything. You have to understand that." Deeks inhaled heavily and took a step forward. All Hetty had said was true, but it didn't matter. He would do it anyway.

"You're right Hetty, about everything, but this is not gonna change things. That kid told me he saw Kensi. Someone told me she is alive. That is more than I've had for eight months, and I'm not giving up on this chance. She's been a prisoner all this time, God knows what they did to her, and after what Benham told me about this White Ghost, there's no way I'm going to leave her with him a minute more. I'm not gonna leave her again. I'm going to Afghanistan, I'm gonna get her back, you can't talk me out of this."

When he was done talking, Hetty noticed Callen and Sam approach him, taking their place next to him. She felt her heart swell with pride. That was one of the things she loved the most about this team, that they would always back each other up, no matter how difficult or dangerous the situation. They were a family.

"I'm not going to try to talk you out of this, nor I'm going to try to stop you. Anyone of you. I just want you to fully comprehend how dangerous this is going to be. Before you came here, I contacted Granger, asking him to organize a rescue mission." She was amused when she saw the surprised expressions on the men's faces. Did they really think that she would have left her agent in the hands of the enemy, without even trying to save her? "Unfortunately he told me that director Vance didn't allow it, because of the lack of evidence. So I called some people who owed me and Granger did the same. He will keep the operation under wraps as long as he can, and there will be a small team from Special Forces waiting for you. That's all the back up you will have, other than that you will be alone in hostile territory. Do you understand now how risky this is?" They remained silent for a moment, letting her words sink in. It was very clear to all of them that this was close to a suicide mission. To Deeks it didn't matter, he would have gone there alone if'd had to, but he would have never forced the others to risk their life to help him. So he waited in silence, until two words from Callen filled him with relief.

"It's Kensi." There was nothing else to say, no further motivation needed. At that Hetty nodded, knowing it was official. They had decided.

"Very well, gentlemen. Get ready, then We are officially on a mission. Let's bring her home." They all moved, starting to organize everything. Only Deeks stopped for a moment, right before walking out. He took out his wallet and took the picture he had roughly shoved inside after the interrogation. He stared into her eyes, those beautiful, deep eyes, and he lightly passed his thumb on the photo, as if he was caressing her face.

_Hold on, Kensi. I'm bringing you home._

* * *

Deeks was sitting in the back of the Humvee that would have taken them in position, running through their plan for the umpteenth time since they had arrived there. After having spent the entire day planning and getting ready, he, Callen and Sam had taken the 18 hours flight at 5 a.m. necessary to get to Afghanistan. They had arrived at an isolated part of camp base hours after their landing, and they had found Granger and a team of twelve Special Forces members waiting for them. Then they had been updated about the information already collected and they had spent the rest of the day trying to come up with a plan that could actually work. Through their survey and what Benham had told them, they had found out that there was a number between thirty and forty men in the compound. Security was very high except for the first hours of the morning, during the guards' shift change. That's when they would have moved. While the guards were distracted and the other men were sleeping, at their weakest, they would have struck them. Split in two teams, led one by Callen and one by Sam, they would have caught their attention and they would have drawn them out of the building to take out as many of them as possible, relying on the darkness, on the shelter of the afghan hills, on the surprise effect and on the fact that the enemy would have been forced to split his forces to return the fire. That would have all been a distraction, though, to allow Deeks to go in and retrieve Kensi. While their enemies were kept busy by the combined assaults, Deeks, with the remaining two soldiers and with Benham, would have entered the building from the back and the kid would have guided them inside, with the hope that they would have found Kensi faster this way. Then they would have left the compound and they would have run to their extraction point, where two helicopters would have waited for them for a limited time window. One minute too late and they would have all been left there. There was no room for mistakes.

It was risky, it was crazy, almost impossible on some levels. Thinking about it again, Deeks wasn't feeling very confident but it was the best they had. If that was their only chance, he would have done this. For her he would have done this a billion times.

"Can I ask you something?" Deeks' attention was caught by Benham's timid voice. The kid was sitting next to him, fidgeting in his vest. They had offered him asylum in the United States in exchange for his help. Deeks nodded, encouraging him to go on.

"Well, why are you doing all this? You are colleagues, but that is not the reason, right? I mean, the picture... Is she a good friend of yours?" Deeks opened his mouth to say yes but stopped. That would have been a lie. That wouldn't have been what he really wanted to say. He had thought about it, in those eight months. He had thought about how angry she would become because he had problems saying what he meant. That was one of the things that had tortured him the most. That he had never had the chance to tell her exactly what he had meant to tell her. He had never told her how important she was to him, all of this because he was afraid of speaking frankly. So here, in the middle of nowhere, on his way to a mission that could have very well cost him his life, he decided to do what he had never done. He let out a breath and answered the boy.

"No, Benham. She's not just a good friend. She is much more. She is my partner, she is my best friend, she is the person who made me a better man, the person I trust the most in the world... She is the woman I love. I love her. More than anything and anyone in the world. I cannot live without her, nor I want to. That's why I'm here, doing this." When he stopped talking he strangely felt like he was out of breath. It had been exhausting and relieving at the same time. He had never been so honest in his entire life. After hearing his confession, Benham got quiet for a while, then, lowering his eyes, he spoke again.

"You know... I saw her more than three weeks ago now. I told you what kind of man White Ghost is. I don't want to be pessimistic, or dishearten you, but there is a great possiblity that she is already dead." Deeks just nodded.

"I know that. I knew how slim our chances were even before coming here. But when I thought she was dead my world stopped. Everything lost meaning to me. My entire existance didn't matter anymore. All because she was gone. So now, I don't care if our chances are small. To me, we could have the 1% chance to find her alive, and that would still be enough for me. I thought I lost her, and now I can get her back. And I'm not letting this go." They stared into each other's eyes and Benham saw the determination in the ones of the agent, and he understood that nothing and no one could have stopped this man.

Silence fell back between them once again, and they didn't notice how long had actually passed until they felt the Humvee stop and they realized they had arrived. They hopped off the vehicle and moved, to cover the remaining half mile by foot, doing this to diminish the risk of being identified. They eventually got in position and, hidden behind a set of rocks, Deeks finally saw the compound. Just as he had seen in the pictures. Big, bare and scary. Far scarier seeing it in person. He snapped out of his thoughts and looked at his watch, and he signaled to the men crouched behind him.

"Two minutes." Even if he couldn't see them, he knew that Callen and Sam, with their respective units, were already positioned and, through his earbud, he got confirmation of that seconds later. Now he just had to wait. He turned to Benham and whispered to him.

"Once it begins, you stick with me, ok? Never leave my side. If we are fast, organized and we stay together, I will get us out of there." The kid nodded, and Deeks noticed that despite trying to act bravely, he was shaking and there was fear in his eyes. He couldn't blame him. He was terrified too. He took a deep breath and focused again on the compound. It was a matter of moments now. Then he saw it.

It was because he knew where to look, otherwise in the dark he wouldn't have noticed anything. The guard on the rooftop dropped down dead, followed quickly by a second one. It was Sam's team. It had begun. It wasn't until the fourth guard fell to the ground lifeless that the enemy reacted. Once they realized what was happening, that they were under attack, all hell broke loose. Some took the place of the dead guards on the rooftop and started shooting from there, while a lot of men got out of the building, returning fire and running towards the position the shooting was coming from. By doing this they found themselves with their back exposed, and they were totally unprepared when Callen's unit joined the fight and started shooting at them. Caught in the crossfire, the enemies called for back-up and more men came out of the building.

In all that chaos, Deeks wasn't able to count how many men had left the building, but judging by the multitude of dead bodies and men still busy with fighting he knew they were a lot. It was working. To return fire, they were leaving the compound vulnerable. It was their time to move. He gave signal to the men behind him and they ran down the hill as silently as possible, in full stealth mode. Once they arrived down, to the back-entrance, they found a man on guard duty. He didn't have time to raise his gun that he was already on the ground, two bullets in the chest. Before going in he looked at Benham.

"Ready, kid?" When he got a positive answer he signaled the SF guys to proceed and, when the door was kicked open, he finally got inside. It was dark, and there was no one around. Now that the sounds of the shooting were muffled, Deeks could not only feel, but actually hear his heart pounding. In both fear and excitement. They were there. She was in there, somewhere.

They proceeded quickly but very carefully, taking down any enemy crossing their path, always without hesitation, to avoid the risk that someone could alert the ones outside. They moved inside the building, following Benham's directions. They ventured further and further until they arrived to a big room in the middle of the compound.

"This is where White Ghost brought us to show us the soldier." He pointed to a door on the left side. "She was dragged here from that door, but I don't know what is behind it." Only one way to find out, Deeks thought. He sped there and he opened the door, to find himself in a hallway. How big is this place? He thought. They had to be faster. He didn't know how much time still they had. They had to move. So he ran with the others to the end of the corridor, but when he turned the corner, he came face-to-face with a group of six enemies.

The were just in time to hide behind the corner when bullets started hailing down on them. They returned fire, but Deeks they weren't in a good situation. Stuck in here, they were wasting time, and their foes would have had time to alert the others. They were up shit creek and he still had to find her.

While shooting back at them, among the unintelligible screams of one of their enemies, he heard something that made his heart stop, and he mentally thanked Sam for having forced him to learn a smattering of Pashtu.

"They're here for her! They're here for the woman!" She was there, she was alive, and that man knew where she was. All of a sudden a fire surged inside him, as something became very clear to him. No one would have stopped him now, not when he was so close. He wouldn't have allowed these men to keep him away from her any longer. So, asking for fire support, he got out from his hiding place and started shooting at them, relentlessly, until they were all down, all except the man he had heard speaking. With him, he limited to blow his kneecap, leaving him screaming in pain on the ground. He ran towards him, knowing he had to be quick. He turned the man around and asked him threateningly.

"Where is she?!" The man just laughed and spit on the floor. He wanted to get him angry, he wanted to play, but Deeks didn't have time to play, so he decided to speed up the interrogation. He pressed his foot on the man's knee. Exceeding his screams of pain he tried again.

"I'm not gonna ask you again. Where is she?!" Crying like a baby, he mumbled something that Deeks didn't understand, so he turned to Benham, who was observing the scene horrifed. When he understood what the agent wanted he snapped out of his shock state.

"H-he... He is saying she is in t-the last room on the left." Deeks took note of that and, before moving he saw a bundle of keys hanging from the man's belt. He took it and got up to walk away, but he stopped when he heard him chuckling and in a rough English he addressed him.

"Too late. She was gone already before you arrived." Those few words caused nausea to creep up on him. It couldn't be. Not now. He couldn't have come so far just to be too late to save her. He didn't want to believe him. With rage he smashed the butt of his rifle on the man's head, effectively knocking him out. He took a few deep breaths and then looked up the his unit, whose members were struggling not to show their shock.

"Let's move." He ran down the hallway as fast as he could, speeding up when, through his earbud, he heard Callen say that there were too many of them and they couldn't have held out much longer. When he got to a crossroads, he ran to the left, like Benham had told him, and advancing, he finally arrived to a locked metal door. He signaled his men to stay behind and watch the crossroads, to avoid being taken off guard. He struggled with the lock until the fourth key proved to be right one and the door finally opened. Before going in, he froze for a moment. Blood was ringing in his ears and his heart was in his throat. He wasn't ready. Not even remotely. He was absolutely dreading the moment he would have entered that room. He was terrified to go in and find out that all his efforts, had been useless. He was afraid to cross that threshold and find her body cold and rigid. He had never been so scared in his entire life. This fear consuming him was only equal to his eagerness to go in, because it didn't matter how terrified he was, he was still hoping with all his heart that he had been right and that he had arrived in time. So he straightened up, mustering his courage and, knowing he couldn't lose another minute, he opened the door and got inside.

The room was dark, he could barely see anything, but the first thing that assaulted his senses was the smell. It was terrible, like a mixture of blood, urine, and other smells he couldn't identify right now. With his gun raised, fighting the sick feeling, he took a few steps forward when he finally noticed it. In front of him, sprawled on the ground in a corner, was a woman. When he saw her he froze in his tracks and stopped breathing.

It was her. He was sure it was her. Yes, it was dark, she was covered in dirt and her hair was hiding her face, but he had no doubt. The woman in front of him was Kensi. His Kensi. For more than eight months he had suffered for her death, and now she was here before him. He started shaking as shock threatened to overwhelm him, but he fought to keep himself together. He couldn't afford to have a breakdown now. As he got closer to her though, he noticed something that spreaded glacial terror through his veins. She wasn't moving. He hadn't seen her move since he had entered the room, and she was far too still even to be sleeping. His blood froze all of a sudden. No. God please, no. She couldn't be dead, not after everything he had done to find her, not after he had started hoping again.

_"She was gone already..." _Had that man said the truth? He had prayed that he'd simply wanted to provoke him, but now looking at her he was starting to fear the worst. He was even afraid to approach her to check her pulse. He didn't want confirmation that all this had been for nothing, that he had come here from across the world just to cry for her death once again. He felt he was about to break. Enduring this once had already been too unbearable, he knew that doing it a second time would have destroyed him completely. He wouldn't have come back from this, ever again.

Still, he had to do it. He couldn't choke like that now, he had to know, and besides, staying there any longer and losing more time meant putting in danger not only his life, but the ones of his men too. So he hesitantly moved towards her, ready to check if she was dead or not, when he heard it. At first he thought that his mind was playing nasty tricks on him, and that he had just imagined it, but then he heard it again. It was the faintest of whispers and, looking closely, he saw her chest rising, a movement so slight that in the beginning he had missed it. But now, focusing on it, it was extremely clear.

"Oh God..." It was all he managed to say. She was breathing. She was breathing! As realization hit him all his fears and hesitation went out of the window and he rushed to her, crouching on the floor next to her motionless form. When his trembling hand finally touched her, he felt like electricity was running through him, and his last fears, the most deep-rooted in him, the ones that were still telling him that all of this wasn't really happening, magically dissolved. She was real. He couldn't stop repeating that in his mind, over and over again. He had found her and was next to her again.

"Kensi, Kensi! It's me, it's Deeks, can you hear me?" He moved her hair away from her face and, when finally he was able to look at her, a mixture of joy and worry equally filled him. She was as beautiful as he remembered, with her strong features, the light curve of her nose, her full lips. And yet, there were some things disturbing with her appearance, some things that were stopping him from enjoying fully that moment of reunification, on the contrary, the more he noticed, the more he actually worried. She was thin, way too thin. Her lips were cracked and her face was ghostly pale, covered with sweat and dirt. When he touched her he felt a shudder going through her and he realized that she was probably freezing, as he took in for the first time the way she was dressed, if that was the right word. She was wearing a khaki shirt that was engulfing her, definetly too big for her, and pants made of something similar to linen, both garments ripped in different places. While checking all of this he noticed that she was barefoot and that there was a chain around her ankle, connecting her to the wall. He immediatly moved next to her legs to free her, frantically trying every key that was left. While searching for the right one to pick the lock, he casually glanced to her feet and when he did it, he forcefully told his brain not to process what he had just seen, not to focus on the scars on the soles of her feet. He couldn't think about that right now. His mind had to remain clear. Finally he managed to open the lock and he proceeded to remove the chain, he himself hissing when he saw the bruises on her ankle and the skin rubbed raw. Therefore he was surprised when he realized she hadn't made a sound, hell, she hadn't even moved. Not even one reaction since when he had entered the room. Something wasn't right. He got back in front of her and tried to get some response from her.

"Kensi, do you hear me? It's Deeks. I'm here, I found you. Kensi, do you understand what I'm saying?" He tried and tried, getting zero results. She just kept laying there, not moving. She wasn't sleeping, since her eyes were only half-closed, but from the little he could see, he could notice that they were completely blank, lost, focused on nothing. A thought started running through his mind. Had they messed up with her brain? Had she been drugged? Was that the reason why she wasn't responsive? He decided to stop dwelling on it, since it would have been useless, and tried once again to get her to react.

"Come on, Kensi. You can do this. I'm not gonna leave you again. You are safe now, all you have to do is get up, come on Fern." He was seriously starting losing hope when it suddenly happened. Moments after he said that nickname she hated so much, he heard her moan. When he understood what probably had triggered that reaction he started speaking again.

"Fern? Fern, you hear me? It's Deeks, I'm here. Come on Fern, show me you can actually hear me." And after he said that, he got the confirmation he'd wanted. He saw her eyes weakly moving behind her lids as she slowly tilted her head towards him, and he noticed that she was moving her lips, like she was trying to say something.

"D-De..." He promptly stopped her, not wanting her to make useless efforts.

"Shhh shhh, it's ok princess. Don't try to talk. It's all fine, ok? I'll think about everything. I've got this." Now that he had the certainty that she was responsive, that she was understanding, he had to act as quickly as possible. He knew they were running out of time and they couldn't have waited for her to recover on her own. He had to speed up things. He reached to the back pocket of his vest and took out the syringe. He had decided to bring it with him, not knowing, in case they would've actually found her, in what state she would have been. Now he was beyond glad that he had chose like this. He carefully lifted her up, a dead weight in his arms, and he drew her closer to him.

"This is adrenaline Kensi. Sorry..." He whispered to her and then jabbed the needle right in her heart. He closed his eyes in torment, feeling her tense all of a sudden and suck in air while choking back a scream, her heartbeat resonating against his chest, because he knew how much in pain she was due to the shock of the adrenaline running all at once in her system. When he felt her starting to relax slightly, he moved to check her status. Her eyes were shut and she was taking sharp, sjort breaths. It took her a few more seconds to recover. Eventually she started regaining control of her breathing and Deeks saw her blinking furiously, desperately trying to focus; then she lifted her head and finally he was able to look into her open-wide eyes. Those eyes so beautiful, so deep, so complex. Those eyes he had missed so much. He would have wanted to relish that moment forever, there, not moving, drowning in the depth of her dark eyes, but he couldn't. He didn't have the time to do it, so he concentrated again, and all his attention was caught not only by the confused and utterly shocked expression on her face, but, above everything, by that faint, broken voice. A voice he had thought he would have never heard again in his life.

"...Deeks?"


	5. Chapter 5

**Hi everybody! How are you all doing? Did you recover from Spoils of War? I still didn't. My feels are like... I can't talk about it without curling up in a ball and starting to cry my heart out. I'm dying and I seriously need someone to stop the feelings. I just... I just can't, and it's even worse knowing this will probably happen again next week. Ohhhh, damn you Daniela Ruah and Eric Christian Olsen! Why are you such amazing actors? Why do you have to make me suffer like this? However, trying to move on... Wow guys! Over 60 followers, I can't believe it! Not to talk about the reviews! You are always so nice and supportive and your response is wonderful. I just love you all so much! Sorry about all the exlamation marks, it's the feels... It will get better... I hope so... In the meantime, I leave you with a brand new chapter. If I didn't update sooner is because I have exams all April but I'm doing the best I can.**

**PS about this update: Some things could be confusing or hard to understand, but no worries. It will all be explained later in the story.**

**As always, enjoy and review!**

**Dislaimer: I don't own NCIS LA**

She heard the door creak open and couldn't stop a whimper from leaving her mouth. She wondered what she was in for this time. Not that it mattered, really. She just laid there waiting, thinking that the sooner it started, the sooner it would have ended. Just like always. And still, after all this time, everytime that door opened she couln't help but feel fear creeping up to her. Anticipation was the bad part, the scary part.

_Don't be afraid. Just relax and it will be over quickly. I'm right here with you._

When she heard him, tension left her body. He was back, as always. He was always there when she needed him, calming her down and taking her away from what was about to happen. She relaxed, focusing on his voice, so not to think about the footsteps approaching her, but when she felt the hand on her face, she couldn't help but shudder at the unwanted touch. This time she could hear somebody talking to her almost lovingly, and the hand was softly caressing her face. Great, it was game time. She hated when they did that. She hated when they pretended to be gentle and caring. Her trembling only intensified, until she heard him again.

_Shhh. It's ok, don't fight it, don't think about it. I'm here. Just let go, I'm gonna be by your side the entire time. You're not alone. I'm here, they can't hurt you. You're safe._

She sensed him next to her, whispering into her ear and his voice, his way of talking with that funny and sexy drawl, his scent, that mix of his cologne and the smell of the ocean, that scent she loved so much, all that had a soothing effect on her, and she knew he was right. They couldn't hurt her with him next to her, because she could escape. She could escape to her sanctuary. He was her safe haven. So, when she felt the man move to her legs she didn't shy away, she didn't struggle or move at all, simply waiting for him to do what he had to do. He was trying to open her chain, so she realized they were probably going to take her to the other room. Weird, she thought. Was it already a weekend? It could be. She had lost track of time long ago. It didn't matter though. It just meant that it would have lasted longer than usual. But why think about that? She got back to focus on his comforting words, his presence distracting her from what was happening. She was lost in her own mind, when she felt the chain being removed from her ankle. She didn't move or hiss, but the sudden pain from the metal rubbing her bleeding and raw skin for a brief moment snapped her out of her happy place, and reality surrounding her became much clearer. She felt fear rising up again. No. She didn't want to think, she didn't want to be alert. She just wanted him next to her again.

_It's fine, I know it hurts, but you can escape from it. I'm gonna be with you every step of the way. I'm right here..._

He was there but his voice was more distant now, like he was whispering from afar. The man in the room was talking to her again, but she wasn't listening. She was focused on his voice, needing the comfort that it would bring her. She needed him, she didn't want to be alone. Trying to cling to him, she forced her mind to focus more, to find him again, but that's when something unexpected happened. She heard him. But it wasn't the same.

"...I found you. Kensi, do you understand..." What? What the hell? It was him, but it wasn't. His voice sounded different, rough and agitated instead of calming and soothing. What was happening? Why the hell the man crouched in front of her had his same voice?

_Listen to my voice. It's just a trick, relax. I'm with you._

Of course. Why hadn't she thought about it? It was obviously a trick. She couldn't remember, but they had probably given her that drug again that would confuse her only more. Weird. It had been a while since the last time they had done that. Between the drugs and the fact that she was about to be taken to the other room, she knew that this was going to be a really ugly day.

"...Kensi, it's me. It's Deeks, I'm here now. You're safe." She hated them. Why did they have to torment her like this? Why did they have to torture her pretending that he was actually there to rescue her? She was mad at herself for having given them the opportunity to use him against her. She still remembered how she had been taunted for saying his name in her sleep. Why now, after all this time? They hadn't done something so sadistic in a really long time. She couldn't stand it. She wanted to escape this now.

_Don't be scared. They can't touch you when you're with me. Don't pay attention. Don't think about anything. It will end soon and I'll be next to you._

Don't think about it. He was right. She wouldn't have let them trick her. She could hide from it. All she had to do was listen to his voice, and everything would have gone better. He could protect her. He would have shielded her from the pain that was about to come. The hand was still on her face, caressing her cheek, but she didn't react this time.

_Stay with me._

Yes. Take me away, please.

She started slipping away, more and more distant from what was around her, to retreat definitively in the safety of her happy place, when suddenly the part of her mind that was still partially responsive sensed something that could be described only as unbelievable.

"...is get up. Come on, Fern."

Fern? No, it couldn't be. They couldn't know that name, nobody knew that ridiculous nickname, and she hadn't heard it in such a long time. There was only one person who would call her like that, but it couldn't be him. He couldn't be physically there. It was impossible.

_They're trying to break you. Just listen to my..._

He was leaving her. She was losing contact with him. His voice was far and even his scent was disappearing. She tried to reach him, but he was gone, she was alone. No no no. She needed him now more than ever, now that she couldn't trust herself, that she wasn't sure about anything. Nothing was making any sense to her. It could be that she was permanently losing her mind, or that they were actually trying to break her by using that familiar name. But they didn't know it, she was positive about that. And if she had never mentioned it, how the hell could they use it now? In her upset state she realized a moan had left her mouth. As her mind started clearing the voice got only more insistent and, becoming more and more aware of what was happening, she finally took in what was being told to her, and his next words shook her to her core.

"Fern? Fern, you hear me? It's Deeks, I'm here..."

Deeks? Was it really him or was she dreaming again? No. This time it couldn't be a dream, or even an hallucination. He sounded so different from every other time she had 'seen' him or heard him. His voice seemed worried, frantic and also slightly hopeful. He had to be real, but he couldn't be at the same time. She didn't want to start hoping just to end disappointed and broken once again, but even in her confused stated she could understand that this situation was different from any other. She had to know if it was true. Right now, otherwise she would have gone crazy. She used all her strenght to try and focus on the man next to her, but all she managed to see was a blurry figure. Her eyes caught sight of the head full of blonde hair, another confirmation of what she was thinking, so she frantically tried to call him, to be 100% sure before allowing herself to start believing that this was actually real. She was surprised by the amount of energy it took to try and utter that single name. She hadn't spoken in a very long time and probably she wasn't used to it anymore. This, combined with her unbelievably parched throat, caused her to be able to only let out a whisper so feeble that she wasn't sure he had actually heard it until with a reassuring tone he gently silenced her.

"Shhh shhh, it's ok princess..."

Princess... Oh God. It was happening. He was actually there with her. After all this time, after all this solitude and pain, he had found her. He had come to rescue her, just like she had dreamt many many times before. She had wanted this so hard for such a long time that now she was struggling to process all of this. After having lived in wariness, suspicion and fear of everything for so long, a part of her couldn't help but still be skeptical about this unlikely situation, and was stopping her from being fully convinced. Her doubts only intensified when she felt a hand behind her back. Her blood froze in her veins when she was lifted up and drawn close to the man she wasn't sure was him. Had she been wrong? Had all this been just a sadistic game, another twisted, depraved 'foreplay'? Had she allowed herself to be hopeful just to be deceived and tormented more? Her train of though was interrupted when she felt a needle being stuck in her chest. She barely noticed the pain from the puncture. What came next, on the other hand, was something she wasn't prepared for. She felt her body stiffen all together, and her heartbeat sped up so much that she thought either it was going to burst through her chest or explode straight away. She suddenly felt out of breath, like she was suffocating, and desperately gasped for air, trying to suck in as much oxygen as possible. Stop. Please, just stop. That was all she could think of as her body was shaken by tremors, as if electricity was running directly through her. It was horrible, she just wanted it to end, and she could barely make a coherent thought as the only thing she could focus on was trying to keep breathing.

After what seemed an eternity to her, that horrific feeling finally diminished. Her heart slowed down, still going a mile a minute though, and she shut her eyes tightly, concentrating on evening her rugged breath. She was slowly calming down, shakings leaving her body. When she was finally able to take several long, deep breaths, she realized she was regaining control on herself. That wasn't the only thing she noticed, though. Once more focused, she realized that she was feeling stronger, like her energies were coming back to her, and that her mind was clearer, the fog slowly disappearing. She opened her eyes but was forced to blink furiously, as everything around her seemed now too bright and vivid. Overcoming her upset state, she became aware that she was still being held so, once her vision came back into focus, she lifted her head and finally looked up. Once she did that, her heart skipped a beat.

It was him. It wasn't a shade, a blurry figure anymore. No, he was real and vivid and tangible. It was actually him. There, next to her, holding her. Apart from that serious expression that didn't fit the man she remembered, nothing had changed in his appearance. The same messy blonde hair, the same strong jaw-line, the same stubble always in need to be shaven, the same blue eyes, so deep and yet so clear, like an ocean. She was staring right into those eyes, those eyes she loved and had missed so much, those eyes capable of instilling calm and serenity in her even in her worst and most desperate moments, just like now.

As true realization hit her, she was overwhelmed by shock and, while making the impossible effort of trying and get her head around what was happening, she eventually managed to whisper that name. Slowly, softly, like she was afraid that talking would have actually broken the spell.

"...Deeks?" As she uttered his name, she saw his expression turning swiftly fom concerned to relieved and happy, and a smile appeared on his face.

"Yeah, Kens. It's me. I found you." Even after he said that, she shook her head in denial. She still couldn't bring herself to fully believe all this was real.

"No no. You can't be here. It's... it's not possible. I'm... I'm... I'm seeing things. There's no way..." Deeks chuckled at her attempts at denying the obvious.

"Well sunshine, I know you always wanna be right but this time it's my turn. I'm here, your knight in not-so-shining armor. So, what do you say? Wanna go home or would you like to stay in this Spa a little more?" If he was impressed by himself that he had actually been able to make a joke, even in such a terrible situation, given that it had passed so much time since the last time he had felt like joking around, to Kensi that witty remark was what she needed to definitively drive away her worries. Tentatively she stretched out her trembling hand and placed it on his face, letting out a breath when she felt the warmth of his skin against her palm.

"You are real..." It was more a statement that a question, but she had felt the physical need to say it out loud. Seeing her upset expression Deeks immediatly stopped kidding and became serious again. If this was hard for him he couldn't imagine how she could feel right now. All of a sudden he felt a sense of guilt rising up inside him, guilt for having abandoned her, for not having found her sooner. He placed his equally shaking hand on hers and stared into her eyes, with a look supportive, hopeful but most of all pained.

"I'm sorry I didn't get to you sooner, I'm sorry it took me so long. But I'm here now, I'm taking you home, and I'm not gonna leave you ever again."

After she heard those words, Kensi felt tears starting to burn behind her eyes. Why? Why did it have to be like this? She was so happy that he was there, but she knew it was too late. He thought he had found her in time, but how could she explain to him that he was wrong? She couldn't be saved, she wasn't worthy of being saved, not after everything that had happened, not after what she had done.

Her train of thought was interrupted when she saw him jerk his head towards the door and put a hand on his ear. After a few seconds he nodded and turned back to her again.

"Kens, that was Callen. They're out, trying to hold back as many men as possible, but he just told me that they're now retreating to extraction point. It means that every taliban left is going to storm into this building in a matter of minutes, so we gotta move." She just looked at him, opening her mouth to speak but nothing came out. She wanted to tell him that it was late, that he couldn't do anything for her, that she deserved to stay there, but she couldn't find the words. On the other hand, Deeks took her silence and hesitation as a sign of shock so, knowing they didn't have much time left, he gently pressed her.

"Hey, hey, I know you're scared and... and in shock, and you probably think it's all a dream, but I'm right here in front of you. Kensi, I can take you away from all of this. Safety is just behind the corner, but you have to help me. I know it's a lot to ask, but I need you to be strong a few more minutes. Don't give up now. Get up and let's get the hell out of here. Please, I can't lose you again, not now, not after I found you. You can be free, we can go away, that's why I'm begging you to make one last effort, but look... I know how hard this can be so I'm telling you, if you don't wanna do this, I'm staying. I'm gonna stay right here next to you until you are ready to go. Ok Kensi? You have to know that. I'm not gonna leave you again."

His words shook her out of her trance. What he had said was wrong. She couldn't be free, even leaving this place. Too much had happened, too much had been done to her and she herself had done too much. There was no point in trying to rescue her. And yet, his last words were the ones that hit her the most. He would have stayed there, she knew he wasn't bluffing, that he would have done it for real. If she didn't care about what would have happened to her, with him it was the opposite. Staying there, he would have ended up being captured or killed, and she knew she wouldn't have been able to live with that. She couldn't let that happen. So that's what triggered her. Not the desire for her to be free, but the fear for him to be caught or worse. That was what pushed her to react. She put one arm on the ground and the other on his shoulder, trying to lift herself up. When Deeks understood what she was doing, he immediatly helped her.

"Ok tiger, let's do this. Put your arms around my neck and I'll help you stand up." She did as told and he wrapped his arms around her waist. "Ready? On my three, alright? Ok, one... two... three." He lifted her up to a standing position, almost effortlessly since she was so thin, but for Kensi wasn't the same. The sudden movement sent jolts of pain through her entire body, and she involuntarily let a gasp escape her. She breathed heavily, trying to find balance, but when she moved and made a step, her weak legs sank under her, and she would have fallen face first if he hadn't grabbed her in time.

"Easy, it's ok. I've got you. Here, take a few steps." As he helped her walking towards the door, Deeks got more and more worried. He knew she needed this, but they were losing time, and time was essential. They had to hurry, otherwise the helicopter would have left them in that desert. He was just so glad that the adrenaline he had given her was speeding up her recovery process. Kensi noticed the same thing as well, as she felt increasingly more steady on her legs. At first she thought it was weird, since she couldn't remember the last time she had actually walked without being dragged around, but then she realized it was probably because of the injection she had received. When she was sure she could walk without risking of falling down, she informed him and he nodded, adjusting her arm around his neck.

"Alright Kensi, we're moving. Once we are out, we'll have to run up the hill to our extract point, it's three minutes away. Don't worry, I'll help you. Now, when we start moving I want you to hold on to me and run as fast you can. It's gonna be hard, but I'm here. One more thing, don't stop. Never stop until we arrive to destination, ok?"

"Ye... yeah, ok." She managed to say, collecting her strenghts. He led her to the door and briefly stopped, to assure she was ready.

"I'm gonna count. On my three we go, yes? Right, then. One... two..." They suddenly heard screamings and shootings from outside.

"Now! Go, go, go!" He screamed agitated and they stormed out of the room as fast as possible. Running forward, she saw two men on the ground, and a soldier coming from behind a corner gesturing them to hurry. When they entered the hallway Kensi saw another soldier waiting for them with a kid who seemed paralyzed by fear.

"We have to move, sir. They're coming from the main entrance, we can't stay here any longer." They briefed them while they were running, without stopping. They could hear voices coming from behind them, so they sped up, Kensi struggling to keep up with them. They had arrived at the end of the corridor when something caught her attention. In front of her were the bodies of six men, but it was only one of them that caused her to slow down, eyes fixated on him. Collapsed on the ground, with a wounded leg and his head bleeding, was Dawar. She couldn't take her eyes off of him. It was unreal. Looking at him now, he seemed so powerless, so weak, nothing like the intimidating man she had come to fear during her time there. She was like hypnotized, but that moment didn't last and she had to snap out of it when Deeks shook her.

"Come on Kensi, we can't stop." He had understood something about that man had distressed her, but he couldn't afford to think about that now, he had more important problems, and they definetly couldn't waste any more time. They had to get out of there, so he pushed her to keep moving as they worked all the way backwards to the exit.

Eventually, after what seemed like ages, they arrived to the door on the back of the compound. Kensi was exhausted, she was having problems breathing and her legs were burning. All she wanted to do was rest but she knew she couldn't. The man holding her and helping her needed her to resist a bit more, and for him she would have done that. She would have done anything. With that thought to drive her, she forced her legs to keep moving and finally she crossed the gateway and went out in the open.

For a second she forgot about the desperate situation they were in, about the shootings, about the men coming to kill them. No, the only thing she focused on was the cool breeze on her face. She couldn't remember the last time she had felt wind caressing her skin, and she had forgotten how beautiful it was. She would have wanted to revel in that moment forever but, as quickly it had started, as quickly it ended, and she was forced to start running again.

"This is the hard part, just hold on to me." Deeks said to her when they started climbing up the hill. Kensi tried to follow him, moving as fast as possible, but she was losing strenghts, the ground was rocky and she was barefoot, her feet bleeding with new injuries with every step. In the end she put her foot on a sharp rock and the sudden pain caused her to fall to the ground, dragging Deeks down too. He rapidly got up and gestured the other three men to keep moving, then he turned and addressed his partner, who was still down.

"Give me your hand, come on." She just shook her head, looking desperately at him.

"Deeks I'm slowing you down. We can't make it, you know it too. Please, just... you have to..."

"No!" He cut her off. He wouldn't have listened to this. "Don't even say it ok? There's no way I'm leaving without you, so give me your damn hand and get up!" She was about to answer to him when a bullet passed right next to his face, and she grabbed his hand moving him away from the line of fire. She looked back and saw a group of talibans running towards them.

"They're approaching fast Deeks. Even if I move, with my feet in this condition we won't go far and they'll get us. Please, please. I can't let them take you, I wouldn't be able to stand it. Just go, save your life, there's no way we can both get out of this." Deeks stared into her eyes and realized that she was serious. She really wanted him to leave her there, and he couldn't understand it. How she could even think that he would have actually done that, he didn't really know. He would have preferred being killed than losing her again. He had to find a solution. Yes, she was right. She couldn't walk any longer, but he could. And that was enough.

"Yes, there is a way Fern." Completely ignoring the confused look on her face he lifted her up and started running again, carrying her on his back. It was a desperate move: yes, she was so thin that she would have felt almost weightless under other circumstances, but he was already worn-out, was running uphill and there were enemies shooting at them. Determination was the only thing that was keeping him going.

Eventually, he didn't even know how, they arrived on the top. Kensi could feel him shaking because of the impossible strain, and when she heard him speak again, totally out of breath, she felt like he was talking more to himself than to her.

"It's ok. We're almost there. We're almost there, hang on. Don't give up..." It was breaking her heart that he was pointlessly suffering because of her, but all her attempts at stopping him had failed, so now she could only hope that he would succeed and put an end to this. All of this, all these efforts made her think about what a wonderful man he really was, so pure and selfless and brave, and about the fact that she wasn't worthy of him, she didn't deserve him.

While he was running towards extraction point, she heard shoutings coming from behind her and she realized the talibans were getting closer. Her eyes started burning, because she knew what would have happened. They would have caught them, brought them back to that hellhole and she would have taken her place back into her room, not before being forced to watch him, to watch this wonderful man being killed or tortured to death, and it would have been all her fault.

She was lost in her sad and desperate considerations, when she suddenly heard him scream.

"We're here!" She raised her eyes and saw two choppers in front of them. One was already up in the sky, while the other was leaving the ground, ready to take off.

"Wait! Don't go! We're here!" As bullets started flying around them, they both realized why the helicopter couldn't stop: their enemies were approaching, closer than ever. At that point, Deeks did the only thing he could do: he used every bit of strenght left and ran even faster. They were too close to stop now. With this final effort he managed to arrive next to the chopper and, since it was already up, he quickly put Kensi down only to lift her up again from the waist, so that the other agents could take her inside. Once he was sure she was safe he extended his arm to be lifted up himself, but as he was getting inside, a bullet grazed his hip and he lost his grip.

"Deeks!" Once she realized what was about to happen Kensi, without even thinking, sprang forward and grabbed his arm, immediatly helped by the other soldiers. He stayed dangling outside the chopper for a few interminable moments, until finally they managed to pull him inside and close the hatch, effectively making them safe. He stayed on the cabin's floor, trying to catch his breath, Kensi next to him, her breathing uneven just like his.

"Deeks, are you ok?" He just nodded, but she was really concerned.

"You got shot, let me..."

"Hey..." Hearing the distress in her tone he interrupted her, locking eyes with her. "It's just a scratch. Don't worry. I'm good. Are you good?" She drew in a breath and bit her lip nervously, not really sure on what to say. Was she good? She honestly didn't know. She didn't know if she could ever be good again after... everything. She opened her mouth to try and give him some sort of answer, but was gladly interrupted when one of the SF guys addressed Deeks.

"Sir, you're wanted on the radio." He reluctantly took his eyes away from her and got up, entering the cockpit where he was given the mic.

"Yes?"

"Deeks, are you alright? We had to leave, there were too many of them. Are you guys all good?" He reassured Sam, not wanting him to feel guilty for the risky situation.

"No, yeah... we're... we're all good."

"...Was the package retrieved?" His slight hesitation and his use of military terminology to talk about a friend gave away how worried he really was. Deeks himself hesitated before answering, before making it official, overwhelmed by the fact that it wasn't just in his mind, it was real. So he swallowed hard and then chuckled.

"Kensi says hi." He heard Sam letting out a breath in relief, and he understood that they had never really believed that they could have been successful. Hell, even he hadn't been sure about this insane mission. Sam's laugh caught his attention again.

"Yeah well, I've never been happier of being wrong. Great work Deeks. We'll see you at the base. Wow, this is a good day. A really good day." Still laughing, Sam closed communication, and Deeks couldn't help but smile himself for a moment. Then, pulling himself together, he leaned toward the pilot.

"Let's get the hell out of here." With that he left the cockpit and went back to where he knew she was. With the corner of the eye he caught sight of Benham basically passed out from exhaustion on one of the seats. He owed that kid everything, and he would've made sure to thank him and reward him. He owed him for the rest of his life. It didn't matter how important he'd been to him, though. When he turned his head to the left, everything disappeared, a brunette the only thing on his mind. Slowly he moved towards her and sat next to her, not moving or saying anything. The moment he sat down he felt tiredeness and fatigue hit him and he felt very tempted to close his eyes and drift away. He didn't want to do it, though. He would have had plenty of time to rest, just not now. Now he wouldn't have slept, because she was close to him, breathing, alive, and he wanted to savour every second of that. So he forced his eyes to remain open, and he simply waited. Without pushing her in any way, he just sat there, simply reveling in their closeness.

On her part, Kensi had sensed him sitting next to her. She had sensed his presence since when he had come back from the cockpit, it's just that she was focused on something else. Pressing her head against the window she couldn't take her eyes away from the sight in front of her, something she hadn't seen in such a long time that she had forgotten what it felt like experiencing it. She was completely, utterly enraptured by the sight of the sun rising from behind the mountains, covering the sky and the land in all shades of red and orange. That moment, as beautiful as it was, was destroyed when she looked down and saw the reason why she hadn't been able to remember what a sunrise looked like. The compound that had been her home and hell for so long, was becoming smaller and smaller as they were getting away from it, appearing almost insignificant, not scary at all, as if it had been a normal building, as if nothing had happened in there. But it wasn't like that. A lot had happened, to her and because of her, and she wasn't the same woman, not anymore.

As the adrenaline started wearing out, she suddenly felt all the weight of the recent events sink in and she felt the tears behind her eyes as reality finally hit her fully. She had gotten away. For real. She was on a chopper, headed to a safe place, with him by her side. She felt herself breaking down and, choking back a sob, she turned around to look at him, to look into his eyes, hoping to find some peace. Failing to steady her faltering voice, with a tone both hopeful and terrified, she asked him the question.

"Are we really out of there?" Deeks didn't answer, he himself on the verge of tears for seeing her so broken. They stared into each other's eyes for a few more seconds then, no talking between them, he wrapped his arms around her and pulled her into a hug. At first he felt her shaking, but when she hugged him back he felt warmth filling him. She was in his arms, he would have wanted to stay like that forever. Trying to convey all his love in that gesture, he held her even tighter and placed his chin on her head, like he wanted to protect her from everything. They were together. They were two broken souls, but they were together, nothing else was important. They didn't move, they didn't do anything, just finding comfort one in the other, no words between them except for a single whisper, repeated by him over and over again, like a prayer, like a promise.

"We're going home."


	6. Chapter 6

**Hi guys! Sorry sorry sorry about updating so late, but as I said I had exams. How are you doing? How was your weekend? I'm so tired, I'm barely sleeping to study and I even got a cold, my usual luck :) As always, thank you so much for your support and response. I reached 30 reviews and almost 20 favorites. WOW! You are amazing. You make me really glad everyday and I can see that my time and my efforts are not wasted! Also I want to thank Guestt. He/she made me notice some minor mistakes in my previous chapter. If anyone else has something else like that to say, please let me know. Your comments can only make me write better! So, here's a brand new chapter. Jope you like it, I kinda struggled with this a bit. Just let me know what you think about it, reviews are my drug! =)**

**Enjoy and review!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own NCIS LA**

Deeks held Kensi in his arms until they arrived at Camp Chapman. She hadn't moved or said anything throughout the entire journey. He had simply held her trying to soothe her, to somehow comfort her through his embrace, and at a certain point he had felt her stop trembling and relax. She was so still in his arms that he had though she had fallen asleep, so he had stopped whispering to her and hadn't moved, fearing to wake her up. Even when the chopper had landed he hadn't moved, completely lost in that moment, focused on how it felt to have her next to him again, to be able to touch her again. It took him a while to realize that they had arrived at destination but when he did, he forced himself to let go of her, an action that proved to be almost physically painful to him. He waited for the others to leave the cabin, wanting to give her the time she needed to wake up, not wanting to rush things, but when he focused his attention back to her, he was surprised to find her already awake, her eyes open but distant.

"Kens?" He called her, hoping to get some sort of response that didn't come. She was staring into nothing, lost in her own thoughts. He realized she was probably still trying to process everything that had happened, trying to convince her mind that it was real, that it wasn't all a dream. He had done the exact same thing days before, when he had found out that she was alive. If it was for him, he would have given her all the time in the world, he would have waited patiently next to her until she was ready but, unfortunately, it wasn't up to him and they couldn't tie up a helicopter that was almost certainly needed by someone else, so, reluctantly, he tried once again to get her to react.

"Hey, Kensi?" It worked this time. She blinked and slowly lifted her eyes to him, not answering though.

"We're at the camp. We... we should go. If you want... I mean, if you need a few more minutes..." She interrupted him, shaking her head. When she finally talked he almost didn't hear her, so weak and hoarse her voice was.

"No, uhm... it's ok. Let's... let's go." Deeks nodded, got up and extended his hand, helping her stand up from her seat. They took a couple of steps when he noticed that she was limping, her left foot bleeding quite heavily. The moment he saw that, he immediatly lifted her up bridal style, to stop her from hurting herself more, but his action only caused her to start protesting.

"No, Deeks. Just... uhm... just put me down, ok? I, I can walk." He shook his head, ignoring her request.

"Are you crazy? Why didn't you tell me you were injured like that? There's no way you can walk with your foot in that condition. It's ok, I can carry you, it's not a probl..."

"No." He was taken aback when she abruptly cut him off. "I don't want this, ok? Put. Me. Down. I can do it. I... I can." Looking at her he realized that he had been an idiot. He'd thought that her protests were only a result of her stubborness and her obstination in doing everything by herself, but now, staring into her eyes, seeing the plea hidden behind them, he understood that this was way more serious than he had originally thought. This wasn't about her being too stubborn to ask for help. No, this was about being able to choose something without being forced to do something else. This was about her wanting desperately to have some sort of control over what was happening to her. God, he should have seen this before. He should have never tried to impose something on her. She'd had zero control on her life during this months, it was perfectly normal for her to want that control back now. As soon as he understood his mistake, Deeks promptly put her down, careful not to make her rest her weight on the injured foot.

"Thank you, and, uh... I'm sorry. It's just, uhm..." Seeing that she had lowered her eyes, like she was imbarassed by her behaviour, he quickly stopped her to reassure her.

"No, hey. I am sorry. I shouldn't have done that. I should have waited for you to say it was ok. You did nothing wrong." He waited for a sign that she had acknowledged his words, and in the end she timidly nodded but, even when doing that, she still held her eyes fixated on the floor. He hated that it was all his fault, that he had caused this. He couldn't go back now though, so he cleared his throat and tried to get past all the ugly situation.

"Well... if you wanna walk it's fine, but I think you should at least let me help you. What do you think?" He asked permission this time, showing her that she could choose whatever she wanted. Kensi on her part stayed quiet for a moment before mumbling a positive answer. Once he heard it, he nodded and gently took her arm.

"Ok so... hold on to me and try not to rest your weight on the foot. When we start moving, if you're in pain or you feel some sort of discomfort or, I don't know... you're simply tired, you tell me and we stop. Are you ready?" Just as before, all he got was a nod and a mumble.

"Ok, here we go." Deeks adjusted her arm around his neck and they finally got off the helicopter. Once on the ground, he waited for her to find the right balance and then they started moving. He could clearly see that it was very difficult for her, and at every wince of pain he would ask her if she wanted to stop, only to always get a negative answer in return. It was killing him to see her so in pain and not to be able to do anything. Had it been for him, he would have taken her in his arms and he would have made her rest, but there was no way he would have tried to force her to do something, not after what had happened. So he did exactly what she'd asked him to do. He held her, stopping her from falling down every once in a while and he helped her with this endeavour. Nevertheless, he couldn't help but think that there was something deeply wrong with the fact that Kensi, a woman whose nickname was Badass Blye, was now so weak that she even needed help to stand on her feet. He wasn't used to see her like this. He just couldn't drive away this thought from his mind.

He was taken out of his thoughts when, after having finally entered the camp, he heard a whistle and saw two men walking towards them. When they got closer, Deeks stopped and he saw the expression of shock on their faces slowly turn into one of happiness.

"Allahu Akbar." Deeks heard Sam whisper, then he put a hand on Kensi's shoulder while Callen passed a hand on his face in disbelief. Their little sister was really in front of them. They had succeded with their impossible mission. It was something so shocking that neither one of them could even try to break the ice through one of their usual jokes.

"Kensi, you're here. We... we really didn't think it was possible, but, God... this is one of the best days ever."

"It's, uh... it's nice to see you too guys." Deeks turned to look at her and saw a tentative smile appear on her face. He immediatly noticed though that her voice was uncertain and she was struggling to meet the eyes of her friends. Also, one of the other things that was concerning him was seeing her slightly shuddering when Sam had touched her; it had been really subtle but he hadn't missed it. She was probably still trying to figure out everything and all this sudden attention, even if coming from her friends, was likely upsetting. Wanting to save her as much discomfort as possible, he interrupted the awkward silence that had now fallen.

"Guys, I think we should go. I'm taking her to see the doc, she needs him for the... the foot. See you later, ok?" They both glanced down at her feet and then they nodded, having both perfectly understood what Deeks was really doing. So they simply said bye and left them momentarily alone. As they started walking again, Deeks couldn't help but ask her how she was after that encounter.

"Are you ok?" He wasn't expecting her to talk extensively, but he had to admit that it was kinda frustrating to get just another nod for an answer. He knew he could have tried again and maybe he would have even gotten something more out of her, but he didn't want to push her. Right now even hearing her mumble or seeing her nod was enough to him, because it was more than he'd had in a too-long time. If she didn't feel like talking at all, he would have respected that.

Therefore, they covered the last yards missing in silence until they eventually arrived to the medical tent. By the time they got there Kensi was breathing with difficulty and could barely stand, so they quickly got inside and he made her sit on one of the beds. As soon as they got in, they were rapidly approached by a doctor, a short grey-haired man probably in his 50's.

"I'm Liutenent Marcus Dillard. How can I help you?"

"She needs medical assistance." Dillard looked at the thin, silent woman covered in dirt, taking in her conditions. He turned to the blonde man to ask more informations.

"What is the problem?" The problem? Deeks could have started from the beginning, saying that she had been held captive for more than eight months while everyone believed she was dead, so nobody had looked for her and that he had no idea what had been done to her during all that time, but he wanted to be sure that Kensi was ok with him telling what had happened to her to a stranger, and now he didn't have that certainty. So he focused on their most recent problem and told the doc about her injury.

"She cut her foot on a rock and it's been bleeding for a while now." Dillard nodded and crouched in front of her to look at her cut but, as soon as he did that, she quickly retreated her foot, like she didn't want him to touch her. He sighed annoyed by the situation. He had things to do. He really didn't have time for this.

"Can you please tell her to be still, and that I need to look at her foot to be able to help her?" Deeks glared at the doctor, wanting to punch him in the face for using that tone. But still, getting into a fight now would have been of no use so he got closer to Kensi and spoke to her gently.

"Kensi, you need this ok? You gotta listen to the doctor." He waited for some response from her. She seemed so unsure of everything, her eyes were distant like before and he could see that her face was sporting an expression in the midst between sad and afraid. He waited for her to ponder on his words, and eventually he knew they had had an effect because he saw her leg relax as she stretched it towards the Liutenent.

"Ok, it's not too deep but it'll still need stitches and...wait. What the hell?" As he was checking her he noticed something that shocked him, so he quickly grabbed her other foot, just to see confirmation of what he'd thought. Damn. He felt so sorry now for how he'd treated the girl. He lifted his eyes and with sympathy he asked her what he already knew.

"What happened?" Deeks moved to see what had upset the doctor so much and, when he finally saw them, he drew a breath through his clenched teeth and he felt like he had been punched in the stomach. Back in the compound, in the darkness of that room, with everything that was going on, he had barely noticed them and when he had, he'd told his brain not to focus on them. But now they were in plain sight and he couldn't take his eyes away from them, it was too shocking. Apart from the fresh cut and minor scrapes, the entire sole of her feet was covered in scars. Deep, long, angry-looking scars. There were several of them, so many that he couldn't even count them, and they were so horrifying that they were making her nasty cut look like an irrelevant little scratch. He forced himself to look away from them and raised his eyes to look at her, who still hadn't answered the doctor's question. He could clearly see how uncomfortable she was: she was slightly shifting on the bed and her eyes were wandering in the room, staring at everything and nothing. She tried to speak more than once until she was actually able to find the words, and she finally whispered something, her croaked voice wavering.

"I... uhm... they're... it was a... a rattan cane." If Deeks was beyond upset and was struggling really hard to keep it together, Dillard was just extremely sad. Yes, because thanks to his job he could very well understand what this girl had suffered. Thanks to his job he knew that foot whipping was one of the most excruciating things possible because, even after continuous beatings, the foot couldn't go numb like other body parts. His medical studies caused him to know that the perception of pain on the contrary would only escalate with an increasing number of strokes, to the point of becoming simply unbearable, and unfortunately this girl had received a great deal of strokes. It was in days like these that he hated his job and being in that country. He smiled sadly to the brunette. The best he could do for her now was his job.

"I'll take what I need and I'll be back immediatly to stitch your foot." While leaving he realized that he hadn't gotten an answer from any of them.

Kensi just didn't care, and Deeks was still trying to overcome the sick feeling that had risen inside him. They had hurt her, they had hurt her really bad. He couldn't get his head around the fact that he'd just had proof that Kensi, his Kensi, his sunshine, had been tortured. She had experienced exactly what he had hoped she would've never had to experience in her life. He could feel a lump forming in his throat as he swallowed hard, struggling with words.

"How? I mean, uh... why were you..." Understanding what he was trying to ask, Kensi answered quickly this time. She really wanted to put an end to this conversation, she didn't want to dwell on it, she didn't want to think about it.

"I tried to escape and, uhm... they, they didn't like it. When they caught me, they decided this was the...uh... the best way to keep me from trying again. Or... the funniest." She met his eyes only for a moment and immediatly looked away, unable to sustain his pained expression. She hated that he was suffering for her, and she couldn't absolutely stand to see the look of guilt written all over his face.

"But it's ok now... I mean, they're old so..."

Deeks stared at her with his eyes open wide. She was trying to comfort him. She was the one who had been tortured, the one whose feet had been split open with a cane, and yet she felt like she had to sooth him. It should have been the opposite. This was just wrong. And still he couldn't do anything but stare at her like an idiot, too upset to talk. He wished he could find something to say to her, but his mind was blank, and nothing he could think of would have been of any help. What could he really say to make things better? To make easier the fact that she had been tortured for fun? Besides, she didn't want to talk about this, he could tell by her body language. He could see the tension in her shoulders and her eyes were focusing on everything but him. She was so uncomfortable with this that she couldn't even manage to look at him in the eyes. He really wanted her to know that she had nothing to be imbarassed about. They communicated with their looks, it was what they did, words only messing things up, but now how could he communicate with her if she wasn't even looking at him? Like this he couldn't do anything to help her, so he passed a hand through his hair and opened his mouth to get her to lift her eyes, but before he could even start he was interrupted by the doctor, who had just come back. Too late. The moment had passed.

"It won't take too long. You can wait outside if you want." Deeks understood Dillard was talking to him and he shook his head.

"No... I'll stay here." That said, he took a seat and just waited in silence, watching the doctor treat the injury on Kensi's foot. Sitting there, he finally had the chance to look at her, to take in every detail he had missed during those eventful hours. Focusing clearly on her appearance for the first time since the rescue, the relief and happiness he had experienced finding her alive, slowly started to turn in concern and sadness. She was much thinner than he remembered, he had already noticed that, and her hair was longer. Her cheekbones were much more protuding, she had dark circles around her eyes and her lips were not only cracked, but she also had a small cut on the bottom one. He clenched his jaw thinking that the only way to get an injury like that was being punched in the face.

Observing her more though, he realized that her physical appearance wasn't the most unusual thing about her. As upsetting that was, nothing was worrying Deeks more than her behaviour. She was quiet, way too quiet. She wasn't giving any attention to what the doctor was doing, but he could also see that she wasn't giving attention to anything at all. Her eyes were simply wandering in the room. Her eyes, they were really unsettling him. Yes, because where he was used to see joy, life, fire, sparkle, now there was nothing. Her eyes were distant, cold and empty. It was like someone had taken all the light away from them. Sitting there, lost, engulfed in that too-big shirt and slightly hunched forward, she looked nothing like the strong, radiant woman he remembered. She seemed so small, so vulnerable, and for a moment he wondered if he had looked like that when she had found him tied to that chair more than a year ago.

"Do you have any other injury you need me to take care of?" Deeks heard the doctor say while he was working on her foot.

"...no" He had noticed it. The hesitation before answering the question. He didn't want to think about it, but her indecision was basically a proof that she was in fact hurt more than she was letting on. The rational part of his brain knew very well that they couldn't have found her healty as a horse after such a long captivity, but he was now dreading to think about what might have happened to her. The information he had was already bad enough, and he was trying really hard to stop his imagination from running wild, from making him think about all the horrors that she might have suffered. No matter how hard he was trying though, looking at her he couldn't help but think that, to make his Kensi so fragile, something really horrific had definetly happened to her and, knowing she had been there for more than eight months, his mind was tormenting him with possibilities.

As much as he wanted to stay with her, he was almost glad when Callen peeked out from behind the tent to call him, putting a stop to his horrible thoughts. He got up and addressed Kensi, who had barely acknowledged the presence of her friend.

"I'm going out for five minutes. Is it ok for you Kens?" She weakly nodded.

"Yeah, it's fine. Go..." He sighed. He really would have wanted her to look at him, at least once, but he realized that wasn't going to happen now, so he assured her he wouldn't have stayed away for long once again and then followed Callen out. Few feet away, Sam was waiting for them and they quickly approached him.

"Are you alright Deeks?" It was the first thing his big friend asked, pointing at his side. That was the first time he realized that he was bleeding.

"No, I'm ok. It's just a scratch, nothing to worry about. What about you and the guys in your units?"

"Two of them were shot but doc said they're gonna be ok. No casualties." Deeks sighed in relief. Finally something good, he needed that. Their impossible mission had gone better than anyone expected. After taking in what they had said though, he got straight to the point. He didn't want to leave Kensi alone for too long.

"So... what did you two guys wanted to talk to me about?" The partners exchanged looks before Sam answered him.

"Ok, there are two things. The first one, I think you're gonna like it, the second one... probably not so much. We were upset about it too." Deeks nodded, interested and concerned at the same time. He gestured for them to go on.

"First news. Granger just ordered an air strike on the compound. In a matter of hours there will be nothing left of that place." Deeks knew he shouldn't have been so happy about someone being killed, but he couldn't help it. Those men had taken Kensi away from him, they had hurt her. He remembered the way she had stopped to look at the unconscious man who had the keys to her cell. He didn't know what he had done to her to cause her to freeze like that, but he knew it couldn't be anything good, and because of that Deeks could only be happy for what was going to happen to him and to the other men in that building.

"Ok, I guess this is the good news, so what's the other one?" He asked curious and this time it was Callen who spoke.

"We just received a call from Hetty. We have a plane in one hour."

"No, it's too soon. Kensi needs a full medical examination. Now the doctor's treating her foot but she has to be examined." He was quickly interrupted.

"That's exactly why Hetty wants us to leave now, as soon as the medic finishes with her foot. Here there are so many things to worry about that her examination would be rushed, and Hetty wants her check-up to be very thorough, without rushing things." After they explained him their boss' reasons, Deeks realized she was right. It was better this way, Kensi would have had the attention she deserved.

"Ok, that makes sense. Alright, if that's it, guys, I'm going to tell her. She needs to be prepared, the 18 hours flight to LA is probably going to be really exhausting." Before he could move though, Sam stopped him. They hadn't done talking, and seeing them hesitate, Deeks realized that he was about to hear the part he wasn't going to like.

"Deeks... we're not going to Los Angeles. At least not now." He was confused now. What the hell were they talking about?

"What, why? This doesn't make any sense. Where else should we go?"

"Washington. Once there Kensi will be taken to the National Naval Medical Center in Bethesda, where she will receive all the medical attention she needs." Deeks was trying really hard to understand the reason behind this decision, but he couldn't find anything. He was in the dark.

"Ok, but I really don't get why she can't go to a hospital in LA. Seriously, it would be the same thing, but she would be home. Why did Hetty choose this?" Callen's next words took him completely by surprise.

"It wasn't Hetty... It was Vance." At first Deeks was only more baffled but, after the initial shock, he slowly started to understand what that meant and his first reaction was to smile in disbelief. No, this wasn't true.

"You're kidding me right? I mean, this is a joke." Seeing that his friends' faces were dead serious, he finally realized the truth behind Callen's words and, dropped his smile, in less than a second he went from surprised to incredulous to eventually angry. He couldn't do that to her, not so soon.

"No, I don't accept this. This is just bullshit!"

"Same reaction we had..." Sam mumbled to himself, as Deeks wemt on lashing out his anger.

"I mean, he cannot do this. I don't care that he's the director, she's not back yet and he wants to subject her to this? No. No way." Callen was feeling exactly like him, but he had to make Deeks calm down. Losing it like that was pointless.

"Deeks, we can't avoid this. He ordered this meeting with Kensi. Apparently it's more important to have the confirmation that no sensitive information about the agency was revealed rather than the agent's well-being. I'm as angry as you, but we can't do anything about this." Deeks was clenching his fists and breathing really heavily, trying somehow to mantain control over himself. And yet all he could feel was rage rising inside him. There had to be a solution to this, a way to spare Kensi this.

"What about Hetty? I can't believe that she would agree to this..."

"She doesn't." Sam interrupted him. "She made that very clear on the phone. The thing is... her hands are tied. She was caught running an operation that had been strictly forbidden. Sending us here to rescue Kensi she basically bypassed the NCIS Director, questioning his authority, and you can guess that he's not too happy about it. She has no say in this. It's already a big thing that she prevented all of us to be subjected to repercussions. She protected us from losing our job, but she cannot do anything about Kensi."

After that, Deeks let out a long breath and closed his eyes, rubbing angrily his lids. He didn't care about all Sam had just said. He would have preferred dealing with the repercussions himself. Hell, he would have even preferred losing his job rather than put her through something like this. He knew exactly what that meeting was going to be like, and she didn't deserve that.

"She was the one who was held captive for eight months. For more than eight months. She lived in hell for all this time, being interrogated and subjected to... to God knows what, and yet NCIS Director Leon Vance is going to treat her like a traitor. She was the prisoner of war criminals and she suffered at their hands, and he wants to interrogate her like she's one of them." Now that shock and anger had passed, his voice was cold, harsh. On their part, Sam and Callen perfectly agreed with him and were as upset as he was, but there was nothing helpful to say or that would have solved the current situation. All Sam could do was simply state what was obvious to all of them.

"It sucks."

Yeah, Deeks thought. It sucked. It wasn't fair. Hadn't she endured enough? Eight months of captivity weren't enough, she had to be treated also like she had done something wrong. He couldn't deal with it. What was concerning him was also the fact that he wasn't sure she was gonna be able to handle the meeting. Right now, in her current state, he knew she couldn't have. This was what was pissing him off the most. He could have almost accepted it further on, but not like this, not so soon. Vance wasn't even giving her the time to rest, to recover. She needed that, she needed a moment to breathe after all... this. He was dreading to think about all that could have happened to her at the hands of that White... hold on. He turned his attention back to Sam and Callen, a thought suddenly crossing his mind.

"Guys, I just thought about it. When I was in the compound I didn't find this White Ghost. Did you see him during the shooting?" They slowly shook their heads.

"There was no Westerner outside. We're sure about that. We thought he was inside."

When he heard that, Deeks folded his arms on his chest, letting out a sigh of frustration. Great, just great. This day had just gotten worse. Sure, finding out that Vance was gonna interrogate Kensi like a common criminal was bad, but the fact that the man responsible for her imprisonement was probably still alive and free somewhere definetly won the prize for worst news of the day. In the months he had thought she was dead, he had thought about him everyday. He had thought about hunting him, finding him and emptying his clip in his head, because one bullet wouldn't have been enough. When he had seen her alive that had changed. He had completely forgotten about that man. All he cared about was having her next to him again, everything that wasn't her had totally left his mind, and he had enjoyed that state of serenity and happiness for a few hours. But now, after seeing her like that, after having realized how hurt she was, the need to get his hands on the one who had made her suffer had resurfaced, and he couldn't stand the idea that he was gonna go unpunished for what he'd done. He had an awful amount of anger inside him, but he struggled really hard to swallow it, to drive it away. That wasn't important now. No, he had to think only about one thing. He had to focus on her, on being there for her. From the look she had given him on the chopper, that look so desperate and hopeful at the same time, he knew she needed him, even if she wasn't going to admit it. His presence, his calmness. She needed that, she didn't need someone blinded by rage. He had to calm down, now. For her.

"Ok, well... That's not our main problem right now. Let's just get Kensi out of this goddamn place. She needs to go home as soon as possible. She... she needs us." He said resigned, talking almost more to himself than to the two agents in front of him.

"How is she, Deeks?" Sam asked timidely. "I mean, is she ok?"

How could he answer that question? Yes, she was alive. She was breathing and walking, but that didn't mean anything. If he hadn't given her the adrenaline she probably wouldn't have been able even to stand, and that definetly meant that she wasn't so good. He turned his eyes to the medical tent next to them, where she was being treated. He thought he knew her, he thought he knew his partner, but that woman sitting inside the tent, he had no idea what to think about her. She looked just so defenceless, so... so breakable. And Kensi Blye wasn't breakable. He had no idea what they had done to her, but it was scary even to think about what could have reduce her like that. The picture of her scarred feet was burned in his mind, and what was worse was that he couldn't help but think that he had only scratched the surface of what had really happened to her during all that time.. Even if he wanted to help her with all his heart, he was scared out of his mind of what he could have found out about her. Because eight months were a really long time and possibilities... possibilities were endless.

_Is she ok? _He thought back to what Sam had asked him. He still hadn't given him an answer, but finally he raised his eyes and, meeting the ones of his friend, he simply whispered the only thing he was sure of.

"No."


	7. Chapter 7

**Hi everybody! How are you doing? Here started raining again -_- However I'm not gonna think about that, but instead I'm gonna focus on my 80 followers! 80! And almost 40 reviews! Guys, I have no words. Every week you bring me joy. That's all I can say. =) With that, you know how it works by now. Here's chapter 7. Super long...**

**Enjoy and review!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own NCIS LA**

_He's standing right outside the building and, through the open door, at the end of the corridor, he sees her. She's there and she's running towards him. He smiles, happiness filling his heart, because he knows that in seconds she will be in his arms. She's still too far away for him to see clearly her face, but he notices that she seems agitated, almost scared. There's no need, he thinks. Everything is fine, she doesn't have to worry about everything, in just a moment they're gonna be together again._

_She gets closer and closer to him and he's glad to see her expression changing, anxiety turning in hope and joy. His heart starts beating faster in anticipation and he stretches an arm towards her. She's almost there. Just a few more steps, just a few more moments and she will be next to him again. His girl. His smile widens and he starts counting backwards. She's so close, he can almost touch her. It's only a matter of seconds. Five... four... three... two... then everything changes._

_Just as she's about to cross the doorway, out of nowhere a man appears behind her and hits her on the back of the head with the butt of his gun. He sees her fall on the ground and his happiness turns into horror. No no no. This can't be happening. Not now, not when they're this close. From behind corners and doors he had failed to notice, other men start to come out to join the one who's holding her down. There are too many of them, she's completely surrounded and, even if she tries to fight, there is nothing she can do. That's when it happens. They start beating her. They hit her, they punch her, they kick her. Together, violently, unrelentingly. Observing the horrific scene, he feels rage surging in him like never before. He wants to kill all of them, he won't let them hurt her. He's ready to run towards her to stop this atrocity when suddenly something makes his blood run cold. He can't move. No matter how hard he tries he's stuck. None of his muscles work, he's completely frozen. He puts all of his efforts, all of his energies in taking those few steps that separate them, because he has to get to her, he has to protect her, but he just can't. And that's when he realizes it. He can't do anything, he's forced to watch this, he's forced to witness this abuse without being able to prevent it. No. He doesn't want this. He doesn't want to watch her being hurt, he'd rather being beaten himself. He even tries this. He tries to catch their attention, to drive them away from her, but his voice is stuck in his throat. He can't speak. He's powerless. Completely and utterly powerless._

_It feels like it's been an eternity when they finally stop hitting her. He can clearly see that she's weak and in pain but still she tries to struggle when they grab her from her arms and start dragging her away, in the depths of that hellhole. That's when something weird happens. He follows them. He can move again, but he still has no control, his legs are moving on their own accord. He can't stop, he couldn't even if he wanted to. All he can do is involuntarily go after them until they walk through the entire corridor backwards and arrive to a room. Once inside they force her on a chair and tie her hands behind the seatback, so that she cannot fight back, then they cuff her bare feet together with a chain coming from the ceiling and, with a quick jerk, they lift her legs up. He feels like he's gonna be sick. He can't stand that he cannot do anything. His legs are frozen once again. He wants to stop this with all his heart but, he doesn't know why, he just can't. On her part, she's not someone who gives up so easily, so she's still struggling, but he can see that she's obviously afraid. Her eyes give her away. He wants to scream in frustration when he realizes that he cannot even try and comfort her. They're both helpless, stuck in this horror. __Suddenly, out of a dark corner, another man comes out and slowly approaches her. He knows exactly who this man is. _

_Tall, short brown hair, big nose, scar on the left eyebrow. And dark eyes. The most evil eyes he has ever seen. He's in front of him. The White Ghost. Hate like he has never experienced invades him, but this feeling quickly turns into sheer terror when he notices what he's holding in his hands. His petrified body is shaken by tremors because he knows what's coming next. He knows what that long, hard cane serves for. He strains against the invisible force that's holding him still, but it's pointless. Nothing works. He's doomed to stay there and watch the scene. That's all he can do. Watch. He watches that man take a few more steps towards her and, when he addresses her with a sneer on his face, his desire to kill him only grows stronger._

_"Alright. Let's see if you feel like running away again after this."_

_Anguish and despair are eating him alive as he unwillingly observes what's about to happen. As he's desperately trying to act and stop this, she's desperately trying to get free. She fights and thrashes wildly on the chair as the monster lifts the arm holding the cane but, right before the hideous man strikes her, all her struggles cease, she goes completely still and does something unexpected. She turns her head and looks at him. She looks at him straight in the eyes and he can see that fear and angst have left her face, to be replaced by bitterness and coldness. And it's coldly that she whispers the five words. The five words that annihilate him._

_"You should have saved me."_

_Then the cane smashes into her feet and she screams._

_He fights to run in front of her and shield her, but he can't._

_She screams._

_He tries to shout at that beast disguised as a human to tell him to torture him and not her, but he can't._

_She screams._

_He prays to God for a miracle and tries to cover his ears because he can't stand to listen to her suffering, but he can't._

_She screams._

_She screams._

_She screams..._

"Deeks? Deeks, wake up." Deeks' eyes snapped open and he shot up from his seat, gasping, his breath ragged. He blinked repeatedly, trying to focus, and when he finally did he turned his head and found himself facing a concerned Sam. That's when he realized that it had been a nightmare, that he was still on the plane to Washington._  
_

"Are you ok?" He nodded to his friend to reassure him, when suddeny a thought hit him. If Sam was now there and had tried to wake him up, that meant he had heard him, and if he had heard him, then maybe she... He stretched his neck and looked at the front seats, to try and see if she had noticed anything, but all he managed to see was the back of her head resting against the seat.

"It's fine, she's still sleeping." Sam said sitting next to him. He had understood immediatly what Deeks was worried about. "Even Callen didn't notice anything. I only did because I was sitting right behind you and I heard you wheezing." Deeks passed a hand on his face and sighed in relief, feeling his heartbeat slowing down. He was so glad that she hadn't woken up. She had enough things to think about now, he didn't want to add worthless troubles to the ones she already had. He was happy now that he had chosen not to sit next to her, fearing that if he had, she would have felt like he wasn't giving her any space. It hadn't been an easy choice, but now it had proved to be convenient. Exhaling deeply, he flopped down against the seatback, feeling increasingly calmer with each breath.

"Bad dream?" His friend asked. Deeks just nodded. To him, it was an understatement to call that a bad dream. It had easily been one of the ugliest nightmares he'd ever had, comparable only to the ones about his torture at the hands of Sidorov, and maybe even worse, because her being hurt was the thing he feared the most in the world, the one thing he couldn't bear to think about. If that wasn't bad enough, this one hadn't even been the first nightmare. Throughout the long hours they had spent on the plane, everytime he had tried to close his eyes and get some rest, his mind had kept torturing him with those horrific images. With every dream the details were slightly different, but the core was always the same: her, trying and failing to escape, and him, forced to watch her being caned.

"Wanna talk about it?"

"Not really..." He quickly answered. There's no way he could talk about those dreams. The sound of her screams was still haunting him and if he wanted to keep it together he had to stop thinking about it. The only problem was that he couldn't. Ever since he had seen the scars on her feet and had heard her hurried explanation of them, he had kept thinking about how that could have been like. Given that he only had close-to-none information about what she had endured, his imagination was filling in the blanks, providing him with the worst scenarios possible. The last nighmare in particular had been specially dreadful because, added to the horror of watching her being tortured had been what he could only describe as a projection of his sense of guilt. The darkest part of that dream indeed had been not her torture, but her cold words. Because if he could try and dismiss his nightmare as just that, a nightmare, a figment of his imagination, he knew that what she had said was very real. He should have saved her. He should have prevented this. She had experienced torture because he hadn't gotten to her sooner, and no matter how many times he could try and think that he had no way of knowing that she was still alive, he still felt guilty as hell.

He also couldn't stop seeing in his mind the worried and sad look on the doctor's face after he had realized what had happened to her. That was only making things worse. That man was an army doctor and, working in a war zone, he was definetly used to all kinds of emergencies and atrocities. So, thinking back to the medic's reaction, Deeks couldn't help but be terrifed. He had no idea what caning was like but to make a trained military doctor react like that it had to be really bad. He rationally knew that he should have stopped, that he was only hurting himself with this thoughts, but he felt like he had to know something, otherwise it would have been only worse for him.

He couldn't ask Kensi, obviously. He would have never made her relive something so horrible just for his curiosity, but he had to find some sort of solution to his problem, so he did the only thing that seemed rational and, without even turning, he addressed the man sitting next to him.

"Can I ask you something?"

"Sure." Sam answered.

"You were a SEAL, right? So during your time in the military you probably knew or... I don't know, came in contact with comrades who were subjected to... interrogation."

"...mmm, yes?" He said, not really sure where this was going. On his part, when he heard that, Deeks lowered his eyes and took a long breath before posing his real question.

"Ok, so what I really wanted to ask you is... What do you know about, uhm... foot whipping?" For a moment Sam was taken aback by his question, but when he finally realized what this was about a veil of sorrow clouded his face.

"Deeks. Don't do it, man. You're just torturing yourself. You can't go back in time, now all you have to think about is that she's alive and we're going home."

"You don't get it." Deeks clenched his jaw. "I need to know what she suffered."

"Why?" He was cut off by his friend. "So that you can blame yourself even more? Deeks, it's pointless. She's safe now, thanks to you. Focus on that. Yes, she's probably been through something horrible, but she's back with us. She's back with you. You can deal with everything else later." Deeks looked up and opened his mouth to protest but one quick glance to the agent made him understand that nothing he could say would have made him change his mind.

"You're not gonna tell me anything, are you?"

"I don't even know much about it but still, the little I know wouldn't bring you any relief. So just let it go and try to think about what I said to you." Deeks didn't know if Sam had realized it, but with his words he had only worsened things for him because refusing to talk about that was a sign that it was actually something more horrific than he thought. No matter how hard he wanted to push him to keep talking, he sighed heavily and kept quiet, aware that their conversation was over and he wasn't going to get anything out his friend. So what he did was rest his head against the seatback and stare blankly ahead of him. He stayed awake, to avoid any possible nightmare, and instead forced his mind to focus exactly on what Sam had told him.

_She's safe._ He repeated that to himself over and over again. That remained the only thing in his mind, the only thing he thought of until, he didn't know after how long, he finally heard the announcement that they had landed. He got up and stretched his back, stiff after so many hours seated. After that, he went to grab his bag but, once he did, he turned and noticed that Kensi hadn't moved. He walked to her to wake her up but once there he stopped.

She was still sleeping like he'd thought, but now that he could actually see her up close she looked so peaceful, so troublefree. Looking at her sleeping like that, for a second he forgot all his worries and, as warmth filled his heart, the glimpse of a smile appeared on his face. God, he had missed her so much. He would have wanted her to stay like that, in that bubble of calmness, where he could watch over her, where nothing could hurt her, but he knew what he really had to do.

So he moved closer and whispered to her softly, trying to wake her up.

"Fern?" No answer. He tried again, this time putting a hand on her shoulder and gently shaking her.

"Kensi? Wake up, princess..." He felt her stir, slowly coming out of her sleep. Without thinking, his hand lightly squeezed her shoulder, but what was meant as a comforting gesture caused something totally unexpected: the moment his hand tightened, her eyes snapped open and she abruptly jerked away, pressing against the window, her feral eyes wandering around as if trying to figure out where she was.

Deeks wasn't smiling anymore. No, he was in shock. He had been an idiot to think that they could stay in a bubble of serenity. There was no bubble, no serenity, no calmness. There was just... this: this fear... this pain...

Once he overcame the shock of what had just happened, he slowly lowered the arm that was still stretched forward and closed his hand into a tight fist, focusing on the feeling of the nails digging into the skin. She still hadn't looked at him. It took her a while to do that. A few moments passed before she regained control over herself and, once her breathing finally slowed down and their eyes met, it was actually him the one who looked away, trying not to let her see the hurt on his face.

"We... uh... we just landed." He said clearing his throat.

"Oh... ok." Kensi said feebily and with the corner of his eye he saw her getting up slowly.

"Do you need help getting off the plane?" He could hear his voice starting to break.

"No..."

"Very well, then. I'll see you at the hospital." He said quickly, then turned and walked to the exit of the plane, getting rapidly out of it. As he entered one of the two cars waiting for them outside, he was assaulted by remorse. He had been so cold with her, he had left her alone. But he couldn't have done otherwise: staying there any longer would have meant breaking down in front of her, and he couldn't let her feel guilty for what had happened.

Why? Why was everything so horrible? Why couldn't she be ok? Why couldn't he be ok? Why couldn't he hold her in his arms and heal her with his presence?

He didn't even notice when Sam sat next to him and they started moving, following the car before them, the car she was in. He just kept thinking about that moment. He had scared her, she had retreated from him like she feared he was going to harm her. He knew that she probably hadn't been aware of what was going on, but it still had hurt like hell to see her shy away from his touch. He shouldn't have run away like that, but he had totally been taken by surprise and he hadn't had enough time to put himself together. So now she was in another car, probably thinking it was her fault, and he was here, away from her, eaten by regret. Nice work.

He didn't know for how long they traveled but finally they got to the hospital. Sam got out of the car immediatly, but he stayed inside a minute more, thinking to what he was going to say to her to apologize. In the end, no matter how hard he thought, nothing good came to his mind, so he decided to simply go to her and say he was sorry. As soon as he made up his mind, he got out quickly but was baffled to see that he was alone. He stormed into the hospital looking for the others, thinking that they couldn't have gone so far, he had been in the car only for minutes. He was getting increasingly agitated when finally he spotted the huge form of Sam, in front of an elevator, and ran to him.

"Sam, what the hell? Why didn't you wait for me?"

"Sorry Deeks. As soon as we got out of the car they wanted to bring Kensi in immediatly." It had been Callen the one to talk. He almost didn't hear him. He was focused on the fact that one person wasn't with them.

"Where is Kensi?"

"A doctor already took her to be examined. They knew we were coming. We're going to her floor now." Deeks passed a hand through his hair, downhearted.

"Her examination is already started? Great..." He sighed in frustration, angry at himself for having waited so much before getting out of that damn car. He had lost the chance to speak to her, and now who knew how long they would've had to wait.

"Don't worry. You'll talk to her once she's out." Sam reassured him. He had seen what had happened on the plane and knew why his friend was so upset.

After giving Sam a small nod, Deeks followed them in the elevator and they arrived to the floor where Kensi was. After asking information, they were led to a waiting room right next to the one where she was being treated and, once they got inside, Deeks found another surprise waiting for him, fortunately a good one this time. He had just opened the door when he felt himself being dragged down and found a pair of arms around his neck, holding him in a tight hug. It took him a second to realize who that person was.

"Nell?" The analyst let go of him and, even though she was smiling, he saw that her eyes were glistening and he chose to think that they were happy tears.

"What are you doing here?" She let out a small laugh.

"What do you think I'm doing here, uh? As soon as Hetty told me everything that had happened I told her I wanted to come here with her. Eric stayed in LA to supervise Ops. When I heard about Vance I knew I wasn't going to wait a minute more to see you guys and... to see her." Nell always seemed so put together but Deeks could see how affected she was by the situation.

"Did you see her?" he asked as they sat one next to each other.

"Just for a moment. She looked... worn out."

"Yeah, you can say that." Deeks answered sadly. Nell noticed his pained tone and understood that he definetly knew something bad that she didn't. She didn't want him to be grim, though, so she tried to make him think about something optimistic.

"Well, we have all the time in the world to worry. Now let's focus on what's good. My God, you did it guys! You brought her home." Then she addressed Deeks more quietly, staring at him straight in the eyes, so that he understood how grateful she was to him.

"You brought her home."

His friend's kind words and her smile made him slowly relax as he allowed himself to put his worries aside for a moment and just enjoy the presence of the little red-head. She had a calming effect on him, even in a moment like this. He didn't even think about the fact that he hadn't seen Hetty around, even though Nell had told him that they had come here together. He decided to focus only on the fact that she was there, making waiting for news about Kensi much easier.

In the beginning they talked about everything and nothing, enjoying each other's company and trying to distract themselves, but after a while, as time went by, their concern started rising again and eventually silence fell in the room. Nervous, Deeks glanced at his watch and was surprised to see that it had been more than four hours. His anxiety increased. Why were they taking so long? It should have been a simple examination. Were her conditions worse than he thought? Was she in such a bad shape that it was taking all this time to assess her state?

He rubbed his temples, trying to ease the constant throbbing pain that was tormenting him. As he rested his head against the wall, he finally became aware of how exhausted he really was: he hadn't slept at all on the plane and his last few days hadn't exactly been the most relaxing of his life. The weight of the recent events suddenly crushed him and he felt dead tired. His eyelids became heavier and heavier as he was slowly losing his battle against sleep, and in the end he actually began to drift off, when suddenly the door of their room opened, effectively waking him up. Looking up he found himself staring at a doctor with two charts in his hands and an interrogative look on his face.

"Did anyone of you see Ms. Lange? I told her to wait for me, but now I have no idea where she is." Callen stood up and approached the doctor.

"Yes, she has the habit to disappear. No, we didn't see her but you can tell me. I'm the head of the team and I report directly to her." The doctor smiled but shook his head.

"Sorry Agent, but I was told to speak only with her." At that point Deeks was standing too, and he was getting nervous. Why was this doctor refusing to talk with them? If he had information about Kensi he wanted to know.

"Is there a problem doctor? Agent Blye is a member of our team. You can talk to us. I don't know what Hetty told you but we have every right to know about..."

"Calm down Mr. Deeks." The doctor turned, startled by the sudden voice and him and the others saw that Hetty had appeared and was now standing on the doorway. She entered the room and, basically ignoring her team she addressed the doctor.

"I'm sorry that I kept you waiting, Dr Conley. I was caught in an important phone call. Now, do you have what I asked you?" The doctor nodded and handed her the two charts.

"Yes. Everything is in there. Two copies, as requested. Now, I don't mean to be rude, but I really should go. I have other patients." Hetty nodded and shook his hand.

"No, I understand, and I have everything I need. Thank you doctor." After he left, Hetty found herself being the subject of her agents' interrogative stares, but before anyone of them could start asking question, she spoke, effectively interrupting them.

"Ms Blye will stay here a bit longer, to complete her treatment. In the meantime, there's no need for you to stay here. Go back to the cars outside. You will be taken to the Courtyard Washington Capitol Hill Hotel in Washington. There's already a reservation for all of you. Tomorrow is a long day, you should all get some rest. You'll see Ms Blye in the morning. Now, do as I said agents, and it's not an advice. Goodnight." And just like that she left the room, leaving all of them in complete shock. The first one to get a grip was Deeks, who turned to Nell, looking for an explanation about his boss' absurd behaviour.

"You knew about this? She shook her head confused.

"No, I have no idea why she's doing this."

With that Deeks saw red. He was tired of Hetty's games, of her knowing everything without sharing anything, of her never explaining her decisions, of her expecting for them to blindly obey every order without questions. He wasn't going to accept this, not when it involved Kensi. So instead he exited the room and went after her, finally spotting her at the end of the hallway.

"Hey... Hey!" When she heard him, she slowly turned around and waited for him to approach her.

"Use a different tone when you're talking to me, Mr Deeks." His nostrils flared as he tried to keep it together.

"What's going on, Hetty? I wanna know it."

"Nothing is going on, please believe me. I just think that it is better for everyone to get some rest." Deeks shook his head, he wasn't buying it.

"No, it's not true. Did you see her? Is that it? You saw her and something's not right, isn't it? Did you speak with her doctor? What did he tell you? How is she? I mean, is she..." His anger was fading away, to be replaced by a sense of apprehension, fear and concern. He was dead scared that Hetty could know something horrible about what had happened to Kensi, and that's why she didn't want them to know. So now his mind was making him think the worst things and he was getting anxious.

"Mr Deeks, please." She had noticed how agitated he had become in a matter of seconds. "I only saw her for a brief moment. I know nothing, alright?" Deeks exhaled heavily hearing what she had just said, but with her words he was hit again by confusion.

"But, if it's not that, then why...?"

"Kensi has been through a very trying ordeal. She just came back and the first thing she did was being examined for hours, and that is not a pleasant or relaxing experience. She's weary and exhausted. I do not want her to feel suffocated. That is the reason Mr Deeks. Now that I explained it to you, can I please go and can you do as I told you? I am not an evil monster. I'm doing in everyone's best interest. In Kensi's best interest."

Deeks was glad that for once Hetty had actually explained him her behaviour, but still he didn't agree with her decision. She was saying that she was doing it for Kensi, but how couldn't she see that they needed each other? That his presence there could be nothing but helpful to Kensi? Besides, he still had to apologize to her about the plane thing and he didn't want to wait till next morning. So he stopped her again, not caring that she was becoming more and more annoyed.

"Sorry Hetty. I get it ok? I swear, I do. But I don't think this is the right thing to do. I know Kensi, and I know that I should stay with her, so let me..."

"See, you are showing me that you don't understand." Hetty interrupted him. She didn't want to come to this, really, but right now she knew that the agent wasn't thinking straight and so she was going to have to be harsh to make him realize that she knew what she was doing.

"I know you two have a special bond and that you are better when you are together. But this situation is different, is more delicate. Mr. Deeks, I don't think you need to be reminded that you didn't even want to look at her after Sidorov." That put an end to his protests and she saw his expression changing into shocked and pained, and she realized how much she had hurt him with her words. She would have wanted to take back her words, to tell him instead that he could stay with his partner all he wanted, but she knew in her heart that she was doing the right thing for Kensi. So she straightened up and put on her usual cold mask.

"Think about that, Mr Deeks. Goodnight." With that she turned and walked away, and he didn't follow her this time.

She got out of the hospital as fast as possible, thinking that by going away quickly she would have stopped thinking about how she had treated her team and she would have stopped feeling guilty for what she had said to Deeks. It didn't happen. All the way to the car her only thought was how cruel she had been for reopening that old wound. Only when she was in the silence of her vehicle her mind stopped tormenting her, and that only because she had another thing to think about.

She told her driver to take her to the NCIS Headquarters, then she put the partion up and there, in complete privacy, taking a long breath she finally opened one of the two folders the doctor had given her: Kensi's medical records. Even before opening it she knew it was going to be bad, given that it was one of the biggest charts she had ever seen, but nothing could have prepared her for what she found.

Throughout the 45 minutes it took to reach her destination, she was sucked into a vortex of horror she didn't think existed. She felt nausea rising in her as she saw the pictures of the damage inflicted on Kensi's body and read the details of what her agent, the closest thing she had to a daughter, had endured. The atrocities she had suffered at the hands of monsters. Monsters, beasts. That's what they were, because she didn't believe that someone could be described as a human being and then be capable of inflicting cruelty and suffering like that. She had dealt with the worst people in her career, she had seen bad things, but this was on a complete different level. It was like sinking into a nightmare: even trying to imagine what it must have been like to go through something like that was too much. She really couldn't understand how her agent could still be alive.

When they finally arrived to the NCIS building she was shaking. With rage, with shock, with sorrow. She had barely been able to keep herself together up to that point, but it was when she got to the last page that she lost it. Reading the doctor's last notes about the kind of damage Kensi had suffered she felt something inside of her break and that control that she still had left flew out of the window. There, after so many years since the last time it had happened, Hetty Lange started crying.

* * *

Kensi was standing in the middle of the hotel room, not really knowing what to do. It was still all too surreal to her: barely a day ago she was lying chained in a dark, dirty cell, sure that that was how she was going to spend the rest of her life, and now she was free and was in a clean, perfumed room also equipped with background music. It should have been relaxing but instead it was just annoying, almost on the verge of intolerable, and that ridiculous jingle was making her head pound like crazy. So she finally moved, went near the loudspeaker and turned it off and, as silence fell in the room, her mind got a bit clearer and the hammering decreased.

With her eyes closed she thought back to the events of the previous hours: after her examination had ended the doctor had attached her to an IV to rehydrate her she'd had to stay in hospital for another hour. When they had finally cleared her to go and she had exited the room, she had been surprised to find only two agents she didn't know and nobody from her team waiting for her. As they had escorted her to a car and then all the way to the hotel, she had thought about the reasons behind that and finally she had realized that it had been Hetty's work. Even though a part of her had been really sad to see that Deeks wasn't there, another part of her couldn't help but admit that she'd been somewhat glad. With what had happened on the plane she knew that he would have wanted to talk immediatly about that and after the examination she definetly wouldn't have been up for a confrontation. Of course she wanted to talk to him, and apologize about snapping like that, but in the hospital she knew she wouldn't have been able to do it.

She had spent hours being examined, inspected, photographed, questioned about every mark, injury, every detail. All that long process had forced her to think back, to relive everything that had caused her to be in that hospital room and that had stirred feelings and emotions that she thought she had managed to suppress long ago. In that state, talking about her reaction on the plane, about the memories that had resurfaced through that hand on her shoulder, would have been simply unbearable to her, and even though she felt guilty for having hurt him with her behaviour, she was glad that she hadn't had to face him yet.

Now, in that hotel room, thinking about all that made her feel dirty all of a sudden. Dirtier than she had felt in a really long time, because now she had the knowledge that someone else had witnessed how filthy she was. He had seen how filthy she was. An unpleasant tingling started coursing through her body and it took her a while to remember that she wasn't a prisoner anymore, and that she could actually make things a bit better. She could shower.

Once she realized that she kicked away the boots that Deeks had found for her in Afghanistan and slowly made her way to the bathroom but, once she got inside, before turning the lights on she paused. The room was dark but she was very much aware that in front of her was a mirror, and that was scaring her. She knew what her body was like, but she hadn't had the chance to look at herself fully in more than eight months, and she was afraid of who, or actually what she was going to see reflected in that mirror. Still in the dark, she removed the rags covering her body until she was fully naked, then she took a long breath and, mustering her courage, she finally flicked the switch on. When she saw her reflection she froze.

That wasn't her. That couldn't be her. She had a vague memory of who Kensi Marie Blye was, of what she looked like, and that woman in the mirror was nothing like that. It seemed like someone had sucked the life out of her, she looked like a ghost. She was as pale as a corpse and, even though they had kind of cleansed her in the hospital, her face was still covered in dirt. But it wasn't just that. Her cheeks were much more gaunt and if once her body was toned, fit, muscular, now she was so thin that she could basically count her ribs. What disturbed her the most, though, were her eyes: she had always liked them, their colour contrast the thing she was most proud of, the thing that made her unique. She had always loved how lively and deep they were, capable of communicating everything, capable of intimidating a criminal or of making Deeks know what she struggled to say through words. But now all that was gone: they were hollow, not conveying any emotion. It was like looking inside two deep, dark, empty pits.

That sight was too much and she lowered her eyes, looking away from the mirror and staring blankly into nothing. She didn't need to check the rest of her body, the inital glance was more than enough. She knew her scars, she knew every mark that marred her body, she remembered each and every one of them, how they had been inflicted and when. Even with her back, where it was more difficult to look, all it took was running a hand over her skin to know exactly in what condition it was. She should have been upset, angry, sad, but instead all she thought was that it was appropriate. She was damaged outside as she was inside, she was disgusting in her body and in her soul, she was broken physically, mentally and spiritually.

With that thought on her mind she got in the shower and turned it on, moving the mixer faucet all the way to hot. When the spray hit her at first she involuntarily shuddered, but immediatly after, a moan left her mouth and she closed her eyes, reveling in the long forgotten feeling of hot water warming up her body. That was the second time in eight months that she had felt a sense of well-being, the first time when Deeks had held her in his arms on the chopper. It felt good, really good. The water was relaxing her and giving her some of her strenghts back and, for the briefest moment, she actually forgot about everything. For a moment she was just an ordinary girl taking a shower. When she opened her eyes though, looking down she saw the dirt and the blood that the hot jet was washing away and it all came back to her. That bit of happiness that she had achieved disappeared all together because she knew she didn't deserve it. She didn't deserve happiness, she didn't deserve to feel good, she didn't deserve to be alive. Thinking about that, any kind of pleasure that she could have gotten out of that shower simply vanished and she felt the need to get out of there. So she proceeded to wash herself mechanically, scrubbing every inch of her body even when the sponge, coming in contact with some of her more fresh wounds, would give her a stinging sensation. She focused solely on trying to get clean.

She didn't know for how long she stayed there but eventually she closed the water and stepped out of the shower. It had been useless, she thought. Yes, she had washed herself thoroughly and her body was now clean, but she felt like that she was still as dirty as before.

She kept still for a few more moments then, as she started freezing, she let out a breath, took a towel and wrapped it around her body, drying herself off. She spotted a small hair dryer near the sink, but she just ignored it and chose to towel-dry her hair, letting air do the rest of the work. Once she was completely dry and her hair wasn't wet anymore, but simply damp, she removed the towel, left it on the floor and came back into the bedroom, but as she did that a thought hit her and she stopped: she had no clothes. All she owned was that shirt and pants Deeks had found her in when he had rescued her. She turned around and stared at that garments discarded on the bathroom floor. There was no way she was going to wear those again, not after she had showered, but she didn't even want to stay naked, to sleep naked. Doing that would have only brought back nasty memories.

For a minute she reflected on what to do and in the end she walked to the bed and put on the bathrobe that was folded on top of it. It wasn't much, but it was better than nothing, and it gave her a sense of protection that, no matter she knew was irrational, still managed to provide her with comfort.

Once some sort of solution to her problem was found, Kensi suddenly felt extremely tired, exhausted. The flight and the hours spent being examined at the hospital had completely worn her out. Besides, that shower had had a really sleep-inducing effect, probably because it had been the first time in months that she had allowed her body and mind to actually relax, even if briefly, and now she was having problems keeping her eyes open. Even standing was becoming really hard so, also because she didn't know what else to do, she decided to go to sleep, hoping that it would have helped her feel a little better.

It didn't go as she wanted though. As soon as she turned off the lights and laid on the bed her eyes snapped open. She shifted repeatedly trying to get comfortable, but it was all in vain, so she sat up and sighed. She couldn't sleep there: the bed was too soft, too squidgy. It felt like floating on an air mattress in the middle of the ocean and just lying there she had felt nausea rising. There was no way she was going to get some rest there, so she clenched her jaw in frustration and got up.

There was only one thing she could do: she removed the comforter from the bed and spreaded it on the floor, so to use it as a mattress, then she took one pillow and a sheet and then she laid on that improvised bed. Much better. At least it didn't feel like she was sleeping on jelly. But even there, staring blankly at the ceiling, she couldn't fall asleep. This time it wasn't her body to trouble her, it was her mind: she couldn't stop thinking to the reason she wasn't able to sleep on a bed anymore. She couldn't stop thinking that, even thought sleeping on the floor was reminding her of the months spent in that cell, she couldn't do otherwise. She wanted to stop all that, she wanted to stop thinking about her time as a prisoner in Afghanistan, but at the same time she couldn't think about anything else, and knowing that tomorrow she was going to have to talk about it to Vance was something enough scary to keep her awake.

She tried then to empty her mind, to focus only on her heartbeat and on her breathing and after a while it actually started working and she felt her lids becoming heavy again. Just as she was about to drift off, though, something caught her attention and she opened her eyes again.

Someone was knocking on her door. She rubbed her eyes and got up, but now everything was quiet. She had heard something, but it had been so soft that she wasn't even sure it had been a real knock. After few more seconds of silence she convinced herself that she had imagined it and she was about to lie down again, when she heard the sound once more, stronger this time.

"Kensi?"

She recognized immediatly that voice. What the hell was Deeks doing outside her room? For a moment she stood there, hesitant, thinking that she could have simply pretended to be sleeping, so not to be forced to confront him, but in the end her subconscious eagerness to see him drove her to her door and, after turning the lights on, she opened it and found herself face to face with him.

She had done the right thing. Just seeing him was enough to give her some sort of serenity and, even though when he smiled she couldn't bring herself to smile back, she was happy to see him, there in front of her.

"Hey there... I, uhm, I wasn't sure if you were awake. Is this ok? Were you sleeping?" She shook her head and he let out a breath of relief, passing a hand through his hair. She had missed watching him do that.

"So... I know probably Hetty will put my head on a spear but, uhm... can I come in for just a minute?" At first it scared her. She didn't know what he wanted and that was making her anxious so she didn't answer right away. Seeing her hesitate he immediatly tried to reassure her.

"It's ok if you don't want to... seriously if you don't feel like..."

"It's fine." She interrupted him. "Come in." She had decided that it was absurd to be anxious about Deeks and, even though she didn't feel like talking at all, she enjoyed having him next to her.

She gestured for him to come inside and then she closed the door behind them. Once in the room she noticed he was as nervous as she was, because he kept looking around and biting his lower lip, like he didn't know what to do.

"You look... better." He finally said.

"Yeah, uh... the shower helped." He nodded and got quiet again, silence filled the room. Thinking it would have been awkward to stare at her too long, he let his eyes wander around until he stopped fidgeting when he saw the sheets on the floor.

"Camping?" He asked chuckling, trying to loose the tension. She wished she could laugh at that like him.

"It's just... I still have to get used to the bed." Once he heard that, Deeks felt a heart pang, thinking about what must have been like to sleep on the floor for so long. His soul filled with sorrow at the thought that she had probably spent all the eight months like he had found her, chained, lying on that dirty floor.

Kensi immediatly saw how he had changed expression and she felt bad for having hurt him once again. She lowered her eyes imbarassed but he took her by surprise.

"Yeah, it's not too great. The blanket is itchy, the pillow is too hard, the mattress is too soft, you sink in it, it's like it's made of jam. Nope, me and my spine don't like it. I actually could do just like you. Given all that the floor seems a much better choice." She looked up and saw him grinning. Finally the glimpse of a smile appeared on her face too. What he had just done, the way he had turned something bad in a chance to make her smile, that was the reason he was the most important person in the world to her...

"Is that a smile that I see?" He asked playfully, then his voice got more serious and toned down to a whisper. "God, I missed that... I missed you, so much..."

That confession, so blunt, so unexpected, caught her unprepared and instead of being happy about it, her smile dropped and she retreated in herself. He had missed a woman that was gone. She knew he thought that he had her back again, but she wasn't the same person he remembered. She couldn't give him what he wanted, she couldn't be that person anymore.

She felt a lump in her throat but she forced herself to keep it together, and when she finally addressed him tension was back between them once again.

"Why... What are you doing here Deeks?" He was a bit taken aback by her tone. He had expected another reaction after what he had said to her, but he had no right to judge her or to demand something from her. After what she had been through he felt like she had every right to feel or behave however she wanted. So he went along with her and focused on what she had asked.

"Actually for two things. The first one, and probably the most important, is because I wanted to tell you that I'm sorry. I'm sorry about what happened on the plane." Kensi couldn't believe that he was apologizing to her when she was the one who had hurt him.

"Deeks... You don't have to tell me you're sorry. I'm the one who should apologize, I'm the one who snapped like..."

"No, listen to me." He interrupted her. "I startled you. You were still... I don't know, confused, and you reacted impulsively. I should have understood that, and instead I ran away leaving you alone. I'm in the wrong, not you. So I owe you an apology. I'm sorry Kensi." She stared at him silently for a few seconds, trying to figure out how this man could be so good. Then she slowly nodded.

"Ok. I think you have nothing to be sorry for, but if that's what you need, then I accept your apology. But only if you accept mine." He was the one to nod this time, also breathing out in relief, glad that they had solved that ugly situation. They had both gotten it off their chest and, even if there was still awkwardness between them, at least all that tension had reduced.

"So, what is the other thing?" Kensi asked and he blinked repeatedly, shaking his head.

"Idiot, I was almost forgetting about it. It's... this." He handed her a plastic bag she hadn't noticed before, she didn't know how, and she opened it, curious and a bit scared. What was inside surprised her, and she looked at Deeks, amazed.

"Sorry it took me so long but it was kinda hard to find a clothing store still opened after 9 p.m." He said as she took out of the bag the clothes he had bought for her: there was underwear, socks, a pair of jeans, a long-sleeved shirt, a polo and a nightshirt. She was astonished. She didn't know what to say to him.

"Deeks... I..."

"It's fine, no big deal." He interrupted her seeing that she was struggling with words. "I mean, it's not like you can have a meeting with NCIS director wearing only...that" He gestured to the bathrobe she had on.

"It was nothing, really." He went on, more seriously. "I just wanted to do something for you." Listening to what he had said, and how he had said it, Kensi felt tears starting to burn behind her eyes. Standing in front of her was the most wonderful man on Earth and, she couldn't understand why, he cared about her. She didn't know what she had done to deserve him, or better she knew she didn't deserve him, but still he was there, taking care of her, wanting to help her, and she couldn't be grateful enough for that. She just wished she was able to tell him how important he really was to her.

She placed the clothes on the bed and then turned to him again, looking straight into his eyes, and trying to find the right words.

"Deeks, you didn't have... All this is... This, this means a lot to me." Staring at him, she repeated that again, with much more confidence this time. "It means a lot."

"Well, it was my pleasure." He shrugged and smiled, and for a second she saw his eyes brighten up with joy. Then, he passed a hand through his hair and, once that magical moment was gone, he pulled himself together and spoke to her again.

"So, now that is all done, I guess I should leave you to rest. I imagine you need it. About tomorrow, do you want to go alone or do you prefer that we go toge..." He suddenly stopped talking when he noticed it. As soon as he saw it blood froze in his veins and he felt like someone had punched him in the stomach. So focused on the happiness he had felt when she had thanked him for his gift, in the beginning he hadn't noticed that, when she had put the clothes on the bed, her bathrobe had moved, uncovering her left shoulder. But now... now he could see it clearly. He could see the circular scar between her shoulder and her collarbone. At first glance, he mistook it for a gunshot wound, but then, looking better, he felt a sick feeling creeping up to him, as he realized that nothing could have inflicted a wound like that other than a power drill. If he had felt bad thinking about foot whipping, this was just making him feel ready to throw up.

On the other hand, Kensi at first didn't understand why he had frozen like that, but then, as she she saw his expression changing, she followed his line of sight and with horror she finally realized what had happened. She immediatly covered her shoulder and scar, but she knew it was too late, he had already seen it. She met his eyes for a brief moment, but seeing the pain and anguish on his face she rapidly broke eye contact and lowered her head.

"Kensi..." He started with a small, broken voice.

"I think you should go." She cut him off, trying to steady her wavering voice as best as she could.

"Please, Kens..."

"Seriously Deeks, just go. I'll be... I'll be fine." She wasn't even looking at him, she couldn't, but she realized he had complied when she heard him sigh and with the corner of her eye saw him walk to the door. She didn't move from where she was, not even when she heard the door open. She just stood completely still, as if she was hoping that it was going to make her disappear.

It was only after she heard his timid "I'm sorry..." and the door close that she allowed herself to react. She started trembling and, as she put a hand in her hair, she couldn't stop a sob from escaping her mouth. She had ruined everything. Everything. With her carelessness she had managed to spoil even that brief moment of calmness she had experienced with him. She had seen the pain and sadness and pity written on his face and that was the worst part. Worse than the shame, than the humiliation, was knowing that he had seen once again just how broken she was. Why? Why did he have to see it? Why did she have to mess things up?

She didn't know how long she stood there, replaying in her head that awful scene, his horrified expression in particular. It could have been a minute or an hour when her shaking finally stopped and exhaustion hit her full force, making even standing there an impossible challenge. This last event had taken away all the energies she had left and now she felt like she was on the verge of passing out. So she forced her tired body to move, she removed the bathrobe replacing it with her new nightshirt, and finally she lied down.

As soon as she rested her head on the pillow she felt her lids becoming heavy, but a part of her still tried to stop her from falling asleep. She wasn't in the best state of mind and she was afraid of what she was going to see. As sleep started making itself heard, she tried to think about something good, about something that made her happy, so she tried to focus on his smile when she had acknowledged their thing for the first time, so long ago that it felt like another life. That thought actually made her relax but, as she started to drift off, the image started fading away. She used all her strenghts to try and cling to that happy memory but in the end she lost that impossible battle and, finally, she lost consciousness.

_The cuffs were cutting into her already bruised wrists, rubbing and peeling away the skin. Tied on that chair, all she was aware of was pain. Pain in every single part of her body. Her head was hanging down, her chin touching her chest, blood was coming out of her mouth and all she wanted was to pass out. She was trying really hard to resist but it just hurt too much. __She didn't have strenght anymore, she needed this to stop. She started feeling dizzy and she hoped that it was it, that maybe she was actually fainting, but when he lightly slapped her on the cheek her head started clearing and she unwillingly focused again._

___"Oh, sweetie, are you falling asleep? Well, we can have that, it's too soon. Try and hold on for me for at least another couple of hours. You're a tough cookie, I know you can do that. Now, what do you say? Ready for another round?"_

___A shudder ran through her body and she closed her eyes, the sound of the drill being turned on again ringing in her ears._


	8. Chapter 8

**Hi guys! Even if I'm late, happy Easter to those who celebrated it! How are you all? As always I have to thank you for your support and response, you guys are the best, although, I have to say that I noticed a decrease in the number of reviews. You are amazing, and I truly love you all but, and I honestly don't want to be arrogant in any way, can I please ask you to review? Even if to say simply that you liked it or you didn't... I would really appreciate that, I think other writers can understand the joy of receiving reviews. However, I'm still hugely grateful for your response and I think I have to make a special thanks to blue dogs rock and K0nflicti0n, who revied and commented my story constantly from the beginning. Thank you thank you thank you. **

**With that... Chapter 8 it is! Enjoy and Review!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own NCIS LA**

Kensi curled her right hand into a fist to try and stop it from shaking like that. Tormented by nightmares, she had barely gotten some rest that night, and now she was nervous. So nervous. As they were approaching the NCIS Headquarters she was becoming increasingly anxious, and the only thing that was helping her keep it together was Deeks, sitting by her side in the car. He was a silent, strong, comforting presence and knowing that he was there for her, that she wasn't alone, was giving her some sort of relief.

She had been completely taken by surprise when that morning she had found him waiting for her in the lobby of the hotel. After how she had treated him last night, after she had thrown him out of her room, she had expected him to not want to see her, but once again he had amazed her. As she had spotted him, she had stopped in the middle of the hall and, when their eyes had met, she had looked away, too ashamed to face him. On the contrary, he had approached her confidently and, once next to her he hadn't said anything. He had patiently waited until she had mustered the courage to timidly look at him. Only then he had addressed her, firmly and softly at the same time.

"I'm sorry about yesterday. I know you probably didn't want me to see that. But now that it happened, I don't want you to worry about it. Don't be ashamed, or imbarassed, because I would never think less of you. It's not something you need to be anxious about. The only thing you have to think about now is today's meeting. Nothing else. And I'll be with you, because I know it's something that probably scares you. If you want me to, I'll stay next to you. What happened yesterday doesn't change anything. I'm not going anywhere. Ok?"

After he'd said that, she had lost her speech. She had looked into his eyes and had seen only care and love, no trace of the revulsion and pity she had thought she would have found. Not being able to utter a word, she had simply nodded, trying at the same time to figure out when he had become so good with words. She was still feeling broken, ruined, but he had witnessed a small part of that damage and hadn't run away, and for the moment that was enough for her.

So now here they were, one next to each other and, as they were reaching their destination, it had become clear in her mind that she couldn't have done this without him there. He was truly her rock.

When the car slowed down and eventually stopped, she realized that they had arrived and panic began to set in. Her heart started racing and her shaking came back, stronger than before. Her trembling intensified even more until she felt him lightly place his hand on hers. That sudden touch didn't startle her like it had happened on the plane, she didn't recoil from it. Instead calmness washed over her and her heartbeat started slowing down as she reveled in the feeling of his thumb ever-so-softly caressing the back of her hand.

"It's ok." He whispered. "Breathe. It's gonna be fine." She did as told, took a few long breaths and gradually she felt her anxiety beginning to disappear. His words, his presence his touch, created a sense of safety around her and she started to relax, focusing on his soothing touch that went on until her trembling defintively stopped. She turned to look at him and, since she didn't trust her voice too much in that moment, she tried to convey through her eyes how grateful she was for him being there and for what he had just done.

"Ready?" She hesitated before answering his question. She would have wanted to tell him that she didn't want to get out of that car, that she wanted to stay next to him, where she felt protected, would have wanted to tell him to send away their driver and to take her away, it wasn't important where as long as he was with her. But instead of saying all that, she just nodded and mumbled a yes. He gave her a caring and supporting look and then turned to get out of the vehicle. He wasn't fast enough to put his hand on the car door, though, that this was opened from outside and they surprisingly found themselves face to face with their boss.

"Good morning. I hope you rested well tonight." Deeks mumbled a yes and, even if he didn't react, he noticed that Kensi hadn't answered the question and, just like him, Hetty too noticed that, but she played along and kept talking. "Now... Before we go inside, I need a few moments alone with Ms Blye. Do you mind, Mr Deeks?" He hesitated, ready to complain, but her words put a stop to his protests.

"It's fine. It'll take a minute, just wait for me." After she whispered that, he still wavered for a moment but in the end he complied and, reluctantly leaving her hand, he got out of the car to be replaced by Hetty, who closed the door behind her and told the driver to leave. By her line of action Kensi understood that her boss wanted their conversation to be private, and nervousism started to take possession of her once again. She stared ahead of her, waiting to hear what Hetty had to say to her. It took longer then she expected for the older woman to start speaking.

"I wanted to tell you personally how glad I am that you are alive, Ms Blye and... that I'm really sorry about this situation. I tried to stop it, really." Kensi nodded, knowing that she was being honest. She knew that even Hetty Lange couldn't defy Vance's orders more than once.

"It's...ok, Hetty."

"No, it's not." She was cut off. "You just came back. It's not ok to subject you to an interrogation so early." Kensi was finding almost ironic the fact that they all though it was so wrong for her to experience an interrogation. Yes, she was pretty nervous about it and surely didn't want to recount to Vance what had happened in those months, at all, but at least here nobody would have tortured her if she gave the wrong answer.

"However, we're here now." Hetty interrupted her bitter considerations. "I told Director Vance to make this as quick as possible. Just try not to be nervous and if there is anything that makes you uncomfortable, a question or a topic, please tell him. If he complains I'll do my best to deal with him." Kensi let out a breath and muttered a yes. She really appreciated that Hetty was trying to support her and protect her, but she was aware that she was going to have to answer every question, no matter how uncomfortable. She couldn't bring more trouble to the team. They didn't know it, but on the plane she had heard them talk about the rescue mission, about the fact that it was unauthorized. They were in a tight spot because of her, so now she was going to have to do as told without protesting.

After a minute passed in silence, Kensi believed that Hetty was done talking, so she turned to her car-door ready to get out but, as she was about to open it, she heard her boss' voice again, this time though more hesitant and faltering.

"There's one more thing..." Kensi waited, an uncertain look on her face. "I... I read your file. Your... medical file." That made her freeze in shock. Her body stiffened and she felt blood rushing to her head. She fixated her eyes on Hetty's and from the way she was struggling to meet her stare she had confirmation: she knew. She knew everything, every sickening, disgusting detail.

"Did you read all of it?" She asked through clenched teeth, her voice no louder than a whisper. Her question had been ambiguous, but they both knew exactly what she was referring to, what section of the file she was talking about. Hetty paused for a moment before answering.

"Yes, Kensi. And I am... awfully, awfully sorry that something like this happened to you." Kensi felt her stomach churning and moved away her hand when she felt the older woman's touch over it. She wasn't disposed to any kind of contact in that moment. Her mind couldn't process the fact that someone knew. What was in that file was private, personal. In that file she was defenceless, she was completely bare. She should have known that, being her superior, Hetty would have read it, but still she couldn't accept that she knew she was broken, and that she couldn't be fixed.

She inhaled deeply through her nose, struggling not to lose control and, after clearing her throat to get rid of the lump in her throat, she finally spoke again, her voice weaker than she would have wanted to.

"Did... uhm... did anyone else... did anyone else read it?"

"That's why I am here, Ms Blye." Hetty answered. "Director Vance requested a copy of the chart last night, and I had to give it to him. I thought you needed to be informed about it. Other than him though, nobody read it and nobody ever will. You have my word." Kensi sighed. Vance knew too. Great. That was going to make that meeting only more humiliating for her. Trying to look on the bright side though, at least it was contained. As long as it was only the two of them, she could stand it. As long as Deeks didn't know, she was fine. Him knowing about the damages she had endured, smaller ones and permanent ones, _that _would have been unbearable. That would have killed her. Like this, she could still pretend to be ok.

"Is there anything else, Hetty?" Her eyes were closed, in the attempt of stopping the tears from falling down.

"No, but I wanted to..."

"Then I think it's time to go." She said rapidly. She wanted to put a stop to that conversation. She was already tense for the impending meeting, she didn't want to dwell on the fact that her superior knew what had been done to her. She opened her eyes again but this time they were distant, almost cold, showing how she was trying to detach herself on the emotional level. To get through this she had to be emotionally disconnected.

She opened the door and this time got out of the car without letting Hetty stop her. Once out she turned and found Deeks staring at her, he had waited for her there on spot. As their eyes met, Kensi immediatly saw his expression changing into one of concern, and she understood that her attempts of conceiling her inner turmoil had failed. She had never been good at hiding something from Deeks. He could read her like nobody else.

"What happened?" He asked, worry filling his voice. When he didn't get an answer his attention moved to Hetty and he addressed her with an accusatory tone.

"What did you say to her?"

"Deeks..." She shook her head, asking him silently to stop. She really didn't need any more drama. Even though she could clearly see how eager he was to know what had upset her and how he didn't want to let it go, she was surprised by how quickly he actually complied to her request.

"Ok..." He said, passing a hand on his face and letting out a long breath. "But just because you told me. So... now what?"

"Now we go inside. I would tell you to wait here, Mr Deeks, but I know it would be pointless." Deeks gave her a not-so-pacific look and then took his place next to Kensi once again. They stared at each other for a moment and then, just like he had done in the car before, he whispered gently.

"Ready?" This time though, she didn't even care to answer since everything she could have said would have been either a lie or something that caused him pain, and she walked straight to the building, Deeks by her side an Hetty behind them. As they got inside, their boss was the one who took the lead and told them what to do. Equipped with three Visitor Badges, they entered the elevator and headed to the floor pointed out by Hetty. She had already been there and knew exactly where they had to go.

The entire elevator ride was silent, tension palpable between them. Kensi was repeatedly clenching her teeth, trying to shake away nervousism, and she oddly found herself thinking that she actually hadn't felt so anxious in months. Back in Afghanistan, in the last period of her captivity, she had learned how to endure the pain, the anguish, or it would have been better to say that she had simply stopped caring. Anyways, she had found a way to deal with everything, but now she was being subject to a level of stress she hadn't experienced in a really long time, and even a facade of control was becoming hard to mantain.

With the corner of the eye she saw Deeks staring at her. He had probably noticed how distressed she was, he had always been able to do it. She didn't turn to glance back at him, but she saw him starting to fidget with his hair, as he did when he was nervous. She never knew if he was going to say something, or what he was going to say, because when he opened his mouth, almost simultaneously the doors opened too and they got out of the elevator. Scanning the large, crowded room Kensi understood that this was the equivalent of their bullpen back in Los Angeles and was the place where the DC Team worked. Her theories were confirmed when, looking around, she spotted Agent McGee, whom she hadn't seen in more than five years, sitting behind a desk, trying to work while another agent was tormenting him throwing little paper balls at him incessantly.

"Tony, stop it!" He finally said, exasperated.

"I can't help myself. We don't have a case and I'm being consumed by boredom. As my friend Giger from Star Trek said, death is nothing more than the result of cellular boredom, and that just won't do McGee. See? I'm fighting death here. Gotta keep my cells active..."

"Bishop, please?" He desperately turned for help to a blonde woman sitting on a desk with her legs crossed and a laptop on them.

"Uh uh. When I first got here you told me that was, like, your thing... so I'm not getting in the middle of it. Besides, you know very well there's nothing on Earth I could actually do to stop him." She said laughing while scarfing down chips from an open bag.

The scene she was witnessing was pretty hilarious, but Kensi just couldn't laugh. She started thinking about another situation, another team, different and similar at the same time. Her mind suddenly flashed to the silly bickerings that would take place in their bullpen in the LA Headquarters. The pranks, the costant teasing between her and Deeks or from Callen and Sam, all that memories of gone moments made nostalgia fill her all together. Would she ever be able to experience something like that? She wasn't sure.

She absent-mindedly kept watching the squabble between the two Agents until the one she didn't know glanced in their direction and froze. He stopped whatever he was doing and shot up from his seat, gesturing at the blonde to quickly get down of that desk. It took Kensi a moment to understand what had caused that reaction, then she saw Hetty walking towards the man, who was now sporting a really awkward smile.

"Agent DiNozzo, always taking everything seriously I see..."

"Well... ehm... you just caught us in a moment of morning relax and while it may seems that my behaviour is, uh, childish and unprofessional I must say that looking from the point of view of the cells... I think I'm going to stop talking." He cleared his throat, putting a stop to his incessant blabbing. Then, seeing the confused look on the blonde's face he did his best to pull himself together and satisfied her curiosity.

"Bishop, today you're witnessing a biblical event. Because you have the chance, the honor to meet a living legend, someone whose name is only whispered with fear and respect, one of the masters of the universe. Bow down before Henrietta Lange." Kensi and Deeks exchanged looks, their eyebrows raised, thinking exatly the same thing. This guy liked being theatrical. The blonde one, Bishop, leaned towards him and whispered imbarassed and slightly worried.

"Is it a bad thing that I don't know who she is?"

"No, Bishop. Only a chosen few even knows about her existance..." At that point the girl put a stop to that awkward situation and extended her hand to Hetty, with one of the most genuine smile Kensi had ever seen.

"Well, so nice to meet you, ma'am or Agent or... Ms Lange? Whatever, I'm Ellie Bishop, newest member of the team." She shook their boss' hand vigorously and then turned to the two of them.

"What about you? I don't think I had the pleasure..."

"Of course. I'm..."

"Kensi." She was interrupted by McGee who had joined them and now was staring at her like he had just had a revelation. "Kensi Blye. It's you, right?" She nodded, sparking off curiosity in the blonde man next to her.

"You two know each other?" McGee answered Deeks' question before she could.

"Not really, but we met on a case like, six years ago? I was in Los Angeles with our boss and we cooperated with your team." His attention moved back to Kensi. "Wow... I didn't even recognize you at first. It's been so long but usually I don't forget a face. It's just, you look... different." At that she looked down, suddenly finding her feet extremely interesting. She knew it had been unintentional, that he didn't mean it in a bad way, but McGee's comment had caused her to feel uncomfortable once again. It had just been another reminder that she wasn't the same woman anymore.

She realized Deeks had moved closer to her, to somehow comfort her, but her eyes didn't move from the ground, even when he started talking.

"Well, that's probably because of the jet-lag. We're all pretty exhausted. You should have seen me three cups of coffee ago..." She knew what he was doing, and was certainly glad for it, but still couldn't bring herself to smile. On the other hand Bishop, who had understood that something wasn't right even though she couldn't quite put her finger on it, to try and loose the tension started laughing at his joke, maybe even a little too loud.

"Yeah, I don't live without coffee either. I'm sorry, I didn't catch your name..." He shook hands with her and the two agents in front of him.

"Of course. I'm Agent Marty Deeks, Kensi's partner." That made her suddenly raise her eyes and she stared at him in confusion and bewilderment. Had she heard right? He should have said Detective, not Agent. He was an LAPD Detective, unless... Could it be true? Had he finally signed the application form? Could this be really possible?

"Agent?" She finally asked. "When did you become an ag..."

"Blye." She wasn't able to finish her question because of the firm voice that caught her attention. The entire group turned and they watched as Director Vance approached them. All the worries that she had managed to put aside for those brief minutes came back all of a sudden and she remembered why she was in that building in DC. She started tormenting her lower lip in nervousism and, by the time he finally joined them, she had reduced it almost on the verge of bleeding.

"Agents, Hetty, good morning all of you." He greeted them. "I hope the flight was ok."

"Yes Leon, the flight was ok. The destination not so much, though. I think we all would have preferred the hot sun of Los Angeles to welcome Ms Blye back home." After Hetty's retort, an unbelievable amount of tension filled the room and Vance glared at her like he was ready to eat her. Passed the moment when he was caught off guard though, he quickly composed himself again, like nothing had troubled him.

"Well, since it appears you don't like small talk, let's move on to actions. You and Agent Deeks can wait here, but I think it will take us a while... Bishop."

"Uh... Ye-yeah." It took the girl a moment to answer, too caught in trying to figure out what the hell was going on.

"Please escort Agent Blye to our interrogation room. I'll meet her there soon."

"What?" She was now totally lost. There was no logic in what was happening. She looked at the brunette in front of her, who now seemed really taut and had a cold expression on her face. She wanted someone to explain the situation to her. This woman was a member of the Agency, she couldn't understand why the Vance wanted to interrogate her. She was ready to protest but a quick glance to the director made her realize how useless that would have been, so she sighed and went near the other girl.

"Please follow me." Kensi clenched her jaw and swallowed repeatedly, imposing her mind to calm down, telling herself that it would have ended quickly, despite what Vance had said. When she thought she was collected enough, she moved to follow Bishop, but before she had taken more than one step, a hand on her wrist stopped her.

"No." This time it had been Deeks to talk. She turned and realized that he wasn't looking at her, though. No, he was staring at the director and there was fire in his eyes. Externally, to a stranger, he might have seemed calm, maybe just a bit tense, but she knew him too well and by the way his nostrils were flaring and the vein on his neck was throbbing she could clearly see how angry he really was.

"She's not going there." He said firmly. Hearing that, Vance raised his eyebrows in surprise.

"That wasn't a suggestion. That's an order from your Director." Kensi tried to make him cool off before the situation could degenerate, but he didn't give her the chance. Instead he let go of her and slowly moved towards Vance, in a way that could have seemed almost threatening.

"And I'm telling you, _Director_, that she's not a suspect. She is an NCIS Agent, you're not going to treat her like a criminal. It's already wrong that you did this so soon, but since she's here now at least you're going to show her the respect she deserves." He had spoken quietly, but still with his words he had caused a shudder to run through everyone who was there. He had just publicly defied the Agency's Director. Enraged, Vance closed the distance between the two of them, staring directly into Deeks' eyes.

"I'd be very careful, Agent. You're walking on thin ice here." He hissed, his words hiding a veiled threat. Deeks didn't back away though, and kept his eyes fixated on the man in front of him. He held fast and spoke again, not frightened at all.

"You can do what you want with me but still, she did nothing wrong. You want a meeting with her, ok. But that's what is going to be. A meeting, not an interrogation." They were face to face now, challenging each other, like two wolves. Neither one of them moved or said anything for what looked an eternity to Kensi, but in the end, surprisingly, Vance's gaze faltered and he looked away.

"You're just lucky that I don't have time to waste." He said clearing his throat and Kensi let out a breath she didn't know she was holding.

"Blye, come with me in my office. Now." Vance turned and moved towards the stairs. She pulled herself together and started going after him but, passing next to Deeks their eyes met and she slowed down. They didn't say anything to each other, they didn't need to. He saw the mixture of worry and gratitude in her eyes and she saw the relief and support in his. Then the moment ended and she looked away, almost struggling to do that, and she finally left, following the director up the stairs.

She proceeded quietly behind him all the way, mentally preparing herself for that 'interview'. It was only when they arrived in his office that she realized that she was now truly alone and anxiety started growing. Nonetheless she took several breaths as silently as possible, trying to keep her cool and not to show how nervous she really was.

"It seems you have a really protective partner." Vance said closing the door and gesturing for her to sit down in front of his desk.

"Yes, I'm sorry about..."

"Just leave it." He cut her off. "We have other things to worry about." He sat on the other side of the desk and just stared at her. It was probably for no more than a minute but his gaze, so intense, made her feel really uneasy and she found herself wanting to tell him to stop. Just as the feeling was becoming unbearable though, he finally looked away and spoke again.

"At least I have what I need here." He told almost to himself, taking out of a drawer a recorder and a folder, which with dread she recognized as her medical chart.

"This is ok, right?" He pointed at the device turning it on, and she just mumbled a positive answer.

"Perfect. Now we can start. So... Agent Kensi Blye. We are here today because of what happened in these eight months, correct?" She nodded.

"Please speak up, we're recording."

"Ye-yes, that's correct." She said hesitantly. This was stressing her already and they hadn't even started yet.

"Ok, let's recap. You were presumed killed in a hostile attack. But that didn't happen." He then gestured for her to keep going. Why? He already knew this stuff, why was he forcing her to repeat it? It didn't matter though, she had to do what he wanted.

"No, it didn't. I was... uh... captured by the enemy and taken to an unknown construction where I was held prisoner for eight months, until I rescued by De... by my unit."

"Mmm... and these men who took you, were they common unorganized fundamentalists." She clenched her jaw and shook her head, before remembering about the recorder.

"No. They were an highly organized terrorist cell, led by a man known as... the White Ghost." After she said that Vance went quiet and looked at her in the eyes.

"Ok Agent Blye, I think we can stop going around the real matter." She knew what he was talking about, the reason why she was there and not in Los Angeles.

"Yes." She whispered.

"I mean, you were held for a really long time. Why is that?" She saw her hand starting to shake and she quickly removed it from the desk, hiding it from Vance's sight. It took her a moment to answer his question, and when she did, her voice unfortunately sounded less steady than she would have wanted to.

"He... They wanted, uhm... information." He nodded, glad that he had finally gotten to the problem.

"So, I think you can understand why you're here. What I really want to know is..."

"If I gave them information. You want to know if they managed to break me." She cut him off. She was tired of him treating her like a little girl, and she wanted this to be as fast as possible. Vance on the other hand simply used what she had said to move on with his 'interview', and this time took her file and casually flipped through the pages, causing her to tense even more.

"Agent Blye, I read this and, truthfully, from what's inside, from the things they did... I find it very unlikely that you didn't break." She kept silent, not really having nothing to say about that. She had actually had no idea how to explain him that they had indeed broken her, just not the way he imagined, and frankly she didn't even want to. She wouldn't have been able to talk about that and at the same time mantain control, she was sure about that. So she just put on her cold mask and stared back at him, waiting for him to start asking the real questions.

"Ok, well... since you don't seem to keen on talking about that, we're gonna leave it just for now. I don't wanna start from there anyway."

"And where do you wanna start?" Her voice was detached, uncaring. She had turned down every emotion that could threaten to resurface. The only way to get through this. So she didn't shy away when Vance leaned towards her, his hands crossed in front of him. She kept her eyes on him but didn't look at him, her gaze distant and focused on nothing, and then he answered her question, and his words were the last push needed to make her walls lift up again.

"From the beginning. Take me back to the night of the ambush..."


	9. Chapter 9

**Guys! I'm so so so so sorry I updated this late! It's almost a week late, I apologize... =( These past two weeks have been so busy! I was barely at home... Again, I'm so sorry. However I wanna share with you some great news: I got in MED SCHOOL! Yay! It has always been my dream and now it has happened! I'm just full of happiness right now. On this happy note, I want to thank you all of you for your amazing response and reviews! I had asked you to review more and you did! You are just wonderful! You really outdid yourselves with the last chapter. Thank you thank you thank you. It's so rewarding to have evidence that someone appreciate your work, and you guys reward me and make me happy every single time! I love you all so much! :) :) :) **

**Now, let's move on... Here's next chapter. A warning. There are some parts that could be disturbing, but it's not graphic AT ALL. However, I feel it's right to give a heads up, just in case. Still, special thanks to blue dogs rock, K0nflicti0n. **

**Enjoy and Review!**

**I don't own NCIS LA**

"Take me back to the night of the ambush... January 23, 2014. Is the date correct?"

"Yes." Kensi fleebely answered.

"Tell me, what happened?"

What happened? She wished she knew. She had had really a lot of time to think about it, to think about the night when everything had changed, and still she hadn't found an answer to that question. She had tormented herself with theories and hypothesis, racking her brain to try and figure out how the Talibans knew that they were going to be there, until just thinking about it had become too exhausting and she had stopped caring.

The reason why she had spent the last eight months as a prisoner didn't matter to her anymore. Vance was still waiting for an answer though, so, since she couldn't find an explanation for the events that had occurred, she did nothing more than retell those events, unemotionally, using a flat, matter-of-fact tone.

"We had received intel about a location where the White Ghost was supposedly hiding, so Granger sent me and Sabatino on site. Our job was to eliminate him and that seemed our best chance... We got there in the middle of the night and entered the small building, but everything was quiet inside. I remember thinking that it was way too quiet. We searched everywhere but there was nobody there, and yet the building wasn't bare. There was a lot of stuff around, like it had been inhabited until recently. There was still food in the pantry... At that point Sabatino and I thought he had escaped and we had missed him."

Kensi briefly closed her eyes, recalling that memory from another life, that memory so fuzzy and clear at the same time.

"Then it happened..."

_"Shit, there's no one here. This place is abandoned, for Christ's sake!" Sabatino said with an angry voice. "Another goddamn failure." _

_Kensi could understand his frustration very well. She was angry herself: she had really hoped that this was it, that this time they would have actually found that terrorist and, after taking him down, she could have finally come back home, where Deeks was waiting for her. Unfortunately she was going to have to stay there for a little longer, she was going to have to wait to see his cheeky smile again._

_She passed a hand on the back of her neck and sighed in resignation, then she addressed the CIA Agent, who was still fuming._

_"Let's just get out of here, ok? I'm calling for extrac..."_

_She heard it before seeing it. Metal clattering against the floor. Tilting her head, she looked beyond Sabatino and spotted the black cylindrical object on the floor. It took her brain a second to register what that small thing was, then in horror she tried to drag the man as far as possible._

_"Grenade!" She only had time to yell a warning, then the explosion hit them, tossing them up and then throwing them violently on the ground. The impact left Kensi completely out of breath, and for a moment she just lied there still, trying to force air in her lungs again, trying desperately to focus. What the hell had happened? Why was everything spinning? She blinked furiously to try and concentrate again, and after a while the ringing in her ears diminished. Only then she realized that that incessant hum she was hearing was actually Sabatino screaming at her and finally she was able to understand what he was saying._

_"Blye! Blye, get up! We gotta move! We can't stay here! We have to go! We have to..." He didn't manage to finish what he was saying since he was forced to crouch down next to her to find shelter from the hail of bullets that started all around them, making windows shatter and slivers of glass fall on them._

_She wasn't confused anymore, she knew exactly what was going on. It had all happened so fast, but now she knew it. They were under attack. There were enemies outside and they were shooting at them. She felt her heartbeat racing, but she tried not to think about it. She had to keep her mind clear, she couldn't let fear overwhelm her, that would have definetly killed her. So she started thinking tactically, reasoning on the best thing to do in a situation like that. They were too exposed where they were so, followed by Sabatino, she moved under one of the broken windows, to be better protected from the bullets that kept flying right above her head._

_"How many of them are there?" She asked half-screaming, while removing the safety from her rifle. The agent shook his head, and she saw that his face was covered in blood coming from an injury she couldn't see. Crap. They were in the worst situation possible and if he had a concussion she wasn't sure he was going to be able to act the way they needed to._

_Realizing that she needed to assess how many enemies they were fighting, very carefully she stuck out her head to try and see something. Her heart nearly stopped: it was dark outside and she couldn't distinguish anyone clearly, but the countless flashes from the guns shooting at them weren't leaving any doubt. There were too many._

_"Shit! Shit shit shit! We're in trouble, man." She said, not even trying to hide the worry in her voice. "You were right, we have to move now. We gotta get out of this building before they manage to get in. Sabatino? Sabatino!" He was unresponsive, she didn't know if for shock or the head wound. It didn't matter, though. She needed him. She couldn't do this on her own. Her heart was thumping in her chest, her breathing was erratic and she was on the verge of panicking herself but now that he was in that state she really couldn't afford to be anything less than alert. Every minute spent there was reducing their chances of making it, they couldn't waste any more time. So she did the only thing she could think of. She slapped him. Hard._

_"Hey! I need you focused, alright? You've faced far worse situations than this one and you made it so get a grip! I don't wanna stay here, and I bet neither do you, but to get out we gotta work together! I need you, ok? Let's go, let's go home. We're not dying here!" At first he didn't react, but slowly, much more slowly than she would have wanted to, she saw him get out of his trance and, after rubbing a hand on his face, he nodded, showing he had understood._

_Glad she had solved that problem she moved on to the thing she still had to do. She was simply thinking about that: what to do to survive. Every other thought was being forced out of her mind. She turned her radio back on and heard her earbud beeping._

_"Base, do you copy? We are under attack. We have multiple enemies approaching, we need immediate back up. I repeat, we need immediate back up. Do you copy? Granger?" No answer. All she could hear was a continuous crackling, interrupted only by a few words here and there. __They were on their own._

_Screw it. They were going to get out of there by themselves. She turned once again to Sabatino._

_"Ok. We have to move. On my three we get up and you exit this room, I'll cover you. We run through that hallway and then we get out of this damn building, the opposite direction to those bastards. Are you with me?" He stared at her and in his eyes she saw the same mixture of fear and determination that she was sure was in her eyes too. Then he nodded and armed his gun, getting ready._

_"Next time we're going clubbing." She smiled for a second, then took a deep breath and started counting._

_"One... two..." When she heard the hostiles stop shooting to reload their weapons she gave him the signal and they sprang up._

_"Three! Go!" She turned and started shooting outside the window to cover her fellow then, when she was sure he was out of the room, she ran behind him. They stormed through the hallway as fast as they could, desperate to get out of there. That stupid corridor seemed endless to her, but when she finally spotted the door, she allowed herself to hope. Sabatino did it too. Without stopping he briefly turned his head towards her and she saw the glimmer of hope in his eyes._

_"We're almost th..." Kensi only saw his head jerk and the spray of blood. She froze in shock seeing him fall on the ground, motionless. For the briefest moment everything slowed down, her mind emptied and she was unable of doing anything but stare at the dead body of the CIA Agents._

_The Talibans wasn't going to give her time to process his death, though, to grief for him, and she was forced to focus once again when the hallway windows shattered, pierced by hundreds of bullets. She left Sabatino there on the dirty floor and threw herself in closest room, kicking the door close and moving a table in front of it, in a desperate attempt to lock it. Even there, she only had time to take one breath when a bullet passed right next to her head and she crouched on the ground, trying to hide under the umptheent window in that damn building. _

_By now she had stopped every attempt at mantaining control. Her sheer fear turned into anger, she hoisted her rifle and returned fire. She screamed while shooting, lashing out her rage and despair, aiming at everything and nothing, just hoping to hit even one of them. It seemed like it had been an eternity when she heard the familiar 'clic', meaning that she was out of ammo. She desperately threw away her rifle and went back to her hiding place, dodging the bullets that were still raining down on her._

_She didn't know what to do. She absolutely had no idea. There was no way she could fight them off by herself with only her gun, plus the place was completely surrounded. She couldn't get out of there. __She tried one last time to contact base referring her status and her need for backup, but she received the same answer from before. No one was coming for her. That's when she realized it._

_She was going to die. There, in that forgotten place, at the hands of men she couldn't even see. Alone. Completely and utterly alone._

_Unconsciously she heard the shooting stop and she dared to look out to see what was going on. The sight made her blood freeze even more: they had brought artillery and RPGs. They were going to make the buiding explode, with her in it._

_Crouching again in her shelter, Kensi felt tears starting to form in her eyes. This was it, she had no way to avoid it. She couldn't fight them off and she had nowhere to hide. It was truly the end. And yet all she could think about was him: his smile, his voice, his eyes. She couldn't believe she was going to die without seeing him at least one more time, without telling him how she really felt about him. She now knew that she had been an idiot to wait, to think that she was going to have enough time to sort her issues out before truly committing herself to their thing. She had let her fears condition her and now she was regretting it, so much. She had known true happiness for a moment, the night they had spent together, and now she couldn't help but think that, if only she had been a bit braver, if only she had used her gut and heart instead of her head, she could have had that happiness much sooner and for much longer._

_She closed her eyes, feeling a single tear running down her face. She knew what was going to happen in minutes, and yet she couldn't bring herself to accept it. She didn't want to give up. She didn't want to die, she had too many things to live for: her mother, with whom she had just started to build a relationship, her friends at NCIS, who had truly become her family, him. Deeks. The most important person in her life. Her best friend, her partner, the most adorable, funny, frustrating guy she had ever met. The man who had taught her to trust again, to love again. The man she loved. With all her heart, more than anyone else on Earth. And she wasn't ready to give up on him. Not yet._

_She opened her eyes, her fear of dying turning into resolution to live._

_"I have to see you again." She whispered to herself. She was going to come back home, she was going to hug him again and, once back in his arms, she wasn't going to waste any more time worrying about nonsense._

_To do that though, she first had to survive this so, even if it seemed impossible, she still had to give it a try. She forced her mind to focus and she started looking around, desperately trying to find a way to get out of that mess. Trying to avoid thinking about time passing, she kept reflecting: she couldn't jump out of the window because they would have shot her on sight. She could get out through the entrance, but she would have never made it out of the building in time. And most of all she couldn't stay there. __What could she do? It seemed a no-way-out situation really. But suddenly she noticed it._

_As she was darting her eyes around the room she caught sight of a big trapdoor hidden in the darkness of a corner. Her brain subconsciously told her that she hadn't seen it before because that's where the table she had moved was, but it didn't matter. It was her chance. Sure, she had no idea what was down there, but it was her only possibility._

_It happened in slow motion: she took a deep breath, then got up and ran to her only hope of survival, her feet ever so heavy. She shot the lock and opened the trapdoor. Her mind registered the hiss and she turned to see the missile coming straight towards her. She stopped thinking and she literally threw herself inside. The fall seemed endless but eventually she hit the ground, landing on her left shoulder and just as she did that she saw a sudden light and everything exploded._

_She immediatly put her arms above her head, to try and shield it as everything around her crumbled and the entire upper floor collapsed on her and around her. She suddenly felt a crushing pain in her left leg, but she didn't move to see what had happened. She just stayed there with her eyes shut trying to protect herself as best as she could while feeling the ground and the walls all around her trembling because of the violence of the explosions, and praying for it to end._

_Kensi didn't know how long the attack actually lasted, but when it finally stopped, it took her a while to realize that she was still alive. The first thing she processed was the silence and the darkness: after all that chaos everything seemed too quiet, and that for a moment convinced her that she had in fact died, that she hadn't survived the explosion. But then she started feeling all sorts of aches and pains in her body, and she realized that it hurt way too much to be dead. So, really slowly, she snapped out of her catathonic state and she cracked her eyes open. Yes. She was alive. She couldn't believe it but she had actually survived._

_With difficulty she lowered her arms and shook her head, trying to fight the dizziness. She really couldn't afford to pass out._

_Focusing more and more as time passed, she looked around to assess the situation. She could barely see anything: there was dust everywhere, making her cough and struggle to breathe, and everything was destroyed, debris the only thing she could distinguish. Scanning the room she also noticed a lot of guns and weapons scattered all around and her mind, that had the habit of making her think about useless things in the worst moments, told her that she had probably ended up in a secret weapon storage. __Why she was thinking about that, she didn't know, but at least that meant that her mind was clear and she didn't have a concussion._

_Her relief was short lived, though, because she suddenly started hearing voices and heavy footsteps. Her chest tightened as she realized that they were getting closer. She couldn't stay there, she had to go, immediatly. Struggling against the pain, she was about to move when with horror she understood that she couldn't. Something was stopping her from getting up. Panicking, she turned and saw that her left leg was completely stuck under a huge stone block, effectively immobilizing her on the ground._

_No. No, it couldn't be true. She had survived a missile, she couldn't die because of a stupid rock. She started fidgeting and struggling to free her leg, desperately using all the strenght she had left, but nothing seemed to work. She was stuck. Refusing to give up, she kept trying and trying, consuming all her energies, until the horrifying 'clic' made her freeze. She heard the sound of a gun being cocked and, her heart in her throat, she slowly turned her head and looked up, to find herself face to face with approssimatively 10 men, all pointing a weapon at her. They were looking at her with a mixture of happiness and hate, and from their expressions she realized that this time she was really going to die. They were going to kill her._

_She saw one of them take a step forward and move his finger on the trigger, so she closed her eyes, not wanting his hateful expression to be the last thing she would see. She tried to fight her fear and focused on one single thought._

_"Deeks..." She whispered. __But the unexpected happened._

_She heard a yell, opened her eyes and surprisingly saw them lowering their guns. She had no idea what had stopped them, but then she saw a short, stocky man slowly coming forward and, noticing how the others were backing off and weren't staring at him, she understood that he was their leader and had ordered them not to shoot her. Her breath quickened. She hated not knowing what was going on._

_The man turned to stare at her with a weird look on his face, then, using the piled rubble as stairs, he climbed down and walked towards her, stopping right in front of her. She stared right back at him, trying her best to look defiant, but she knew it was useless: she was unarmed, was at gun point and was lying on her stomach with her leg stuck. She had never been so defenceless and she hated it. She hated that this man thought she was so powerless that he felt like he didn't even need to have his weapon out. She was completely at his mercy._

_For a few seconds he didn't to anything except looking at her, but eventually a sick smile appeared on his face and he shouted something to his men that she couldn't understand, but that made them laugh really hard. Always wearing that grin on his face, he leaned towards her and in a rough English he whispered to her._

_"You will wish you were dead..."_

_She only had time to register him lifting his foot, then everything went black._

"So that's it." Vance asked, almost surprised. "You survived thanks to a trapdoor."

Kensi didn't even look at him while answering with a flat tone. "I'm sorry the details are boring."

He ignored her remark and simply went on with his questions.

"Ok, so... they're about to kill you, but then this man comes in and tells them not to shoot you."

"Yes."

"But... why?"

She paused before answering his last question, stuck in the memory of that day, reliving the fear she had felt, but also thinking about how blissfully ignorant she had been. If she had known what he had said to the others, she would have really wished the explosion had killed her.

"I barely knew any Pashtu back then, so I wasn't able to understand him. But after spending so much time as... a captive, I was forced to learn the language. So now I know. He... he said 'Let's not kill this whore. She will be useful to us... in more than one way...' That's why he gave the order." After she said that, with the corner of the eye she saw the Director shift on his chair, and she understood that she had made him uncomfortable with her confession. Not that it mattered to her: he had been the one who'd wanted to know what had happened.

"Do you... do you want to stop for a moment, agent Blye?" He asked, his voice unsteady. She shook her head. What was the use? They were only at the beginning and she was going to have to tell him anyway, so why delay the inevitable? And, by the way, she was going to have to talk about much more horrible things than this, so stopping now would have been really pointless.

"Alright... let's move on then. What happened next?" She focused once again on the wall behind Vance, mentally distancing herself from what she was about to say to him, trying to retell the facts as they had happened to someone else. That was the only way she could manage to talk about it and not break down. It actually took her a few attempts before she could start again without her voice faltering.

"I... I don't know how long it had passed when I finally woke up..."

_When Kensi regained consciousness, the first thing she registered was pain: she had the worst headache she had ever experienced and her ears were unbearably ringing. When she finally opened her eyes her head throbbed even more and she suddenly felt dizzy, but she forced herself not to pass out again. She had to understand what the hell had happened to make her feel like she had been hit by a bus. So, taking deep, long breaths, she fought against the waves of nausea and, when the pain eventually subsided a little, her vision cleared and she was able to focus once again._

_She was in a big room with no windows, the only light coming from a bulb on the ceiling, and the concrete walls were bare except for a metal door in the one to her right. She tried to move to look better around the room, but she suddenly realized that she couldn't. She was sitting on a chair, with her hands tightly cuffed behind the seatback and her legs equally tied to the legs of the chair. That's when everything came back: the grenade, the shooting, Sabatino's death, the explosion, the trapdoor. Remembering how her leg had been stuck under that rock, she immediatly did her best to move it and with relief realized that it hurt but it definetly wasn't broken._

_She proceeded then to assess her condition and doing that she finally realized why she felt so cold. Her jacket and sweater were gone and she was wearing only her black tank top, plus they had taken away her shoes and she was now barefoot, making her plan of getting out of there only more difficult. Trying to think positive, at least she wasn't injured too badly and, most important thing, her pants were still on._

_"You will wish you were dead..." She had no intention to stay there and find out what that meant. The only thing she knew was that it couldn't be anything good._

_She started struggling to get out of that chair, trying to loosen the ropes around her ankles and to remove her hands from the cuffs. It was all in vain. The knots were too well done and the cuffs were resistant and tightly fastened. The only thing she managed to do was irritate and rub raw the skin of her wrists. She didn't give up though, and, fighting against the pain, she kept trying to get free, but her struggles abruptly ended when she heard the door creak open and a man came in, making her jump._

_She immediatly recognized him: it was the one who had stopped the others from killing her. Her heartbeat quickened as fear started rising in her, but she tried not to show it and she stayed as still as possible as he slowly walked to her, to stop right in front of her. Once again, he had that sick smile on his face, a smile that didn't bode any well._

_She didn't like the way he was looking at her, like she was a piece of meat, and the way his eyes were lingering on her chest was making her nauseous. She tried her best to put on a brave face and not to react, but when he put his thumb on her lips and started caressing them, the sick feeling became unbearable and she acted on instinct. She opened her mouth and bit down, hard. He started screaming in pain and tried to get free, but she didn't let go until she felt blood coming out of his finger._

_Eventually she released him and spat his blood on the floor, defiantly. He, on the other hand, wasn't smiling anymore: holding his finger, he stared at her with an expression of rage and, before she could do anything, he backhanded her, and she felt her lower lip split due to a ring he was wearing. _

_The impact was so hard to make her head jerk to the side and pain radiated through her entire face. She didn't even have time to recover, though, because he immediatly grabbed her from the neck and started choking her. The sudden lack of air alarmed her: she tried to free herself but his grip was too strong and she had no way of fighting back, tied like that, plus, the need for oxygen was making her weaker. The only thing she could register was him screaming at her, his breath smelling of alcohol and cigarettes. She didn't know Pashtu very well, so she didn't know what he was screaming. The only thing she could understand were two words he kept repeating incessantly: american whore._

_She just kept focusing on trying to breathe until he started tugging at her shirt. When she realized what he was doing, cold fear invaded her. No, this couldn't happen. Her struggling intensified and she squirmed on the chair, but he was keeping her still and his hand was still wrapped around her neck, so she was having trouble concentrating. She was trying really hard not to panic, but when his large hand found his way under her shirt, she truly became desperate. She kept flailing around, in a useless attempt of getting away from him. Just as she was thinking that there wasn't anything more that she could do, she suddenly heard someone yelling and, miraculously, the hideous man stopped touching her and abruptly let go of her neck._

_Her brain registered him the sound of him walking away and someone arguing in a language she couldn't understand, but she couldn't focus more. She kept her eyes closed, coughing really violently and trying to gulp down as much air as possible. She kept gasping for a while, until her breathing slowly evened again. When she was sure she had effectively calmed down, she opened her eyes and noticed that he had gone away, but she wasn't alone. He had been replaced by another man, who was now standing in front of her, and she knew exactly who he was._

_He was a Westerner and had just given an order to a man who was in charge of others: she was looking at the White Ghost._

_Once she realized that, she straightened up in the chair and put on a cold mask, trying to regain composure and to look imperturbable. She had no intention of showing him how scared she actually was. She stared at him, studying him: he was probably in his late 30's, was tall and muscular. He had short, brown hair and no beard. His face was big and square-shaped and his eyes were dark, really dark._

_"I'm so sorry about Dawar's behaviour. I had given the order not to touch you, but sometimes he can get a little too... enthusiastic. You're ok, though, right? I mean... he didn't hurt you, did he?" He asked in English, but she didn't answer. He was playing nice, but she wasn't falling for it. Just by looking in his eyes, she could see very well that his concern was fake and this man was far from good._

_Seeing that she was silent, the man sighed and passed a hand on the back of his neck. "Look, I get it, ok? I know that you don't trust me and that you are suspicious about me, but I can assure you... I don't mean to hurt..."_

_"Drop the act." She cut him off. She was tired of him treating her like a dumb child. "Do you think I'm stupid? The men you're in charge of tried to kill me, one of them attacked me minutes ago and you want me to believe that they did it without following your orders? No... I know what you're capable of, so you can stop trying to play me. Because I'm not buying it." His eyes widened as he was taken completely by surprise by her retort, and for a moment he just looked at her astonished. But after that, he started chuckling and raised his hands, in a fake pose of surrender._

_"Alright, alright. You got me, girl... I tried. Looks like you're not just a pretty face..." Kensi had been right about him. He was grinning, but there was no happiness in his eyes. This man was evil. _

_"Not to insult your beauty or anything... I mean, you really are... exquisite." He said, while his eyes traveled up and down her body, making her feel uncomfortable. She kept still though, she didn't react, not showing him her discomfort, and when he eventually looked at her again, she held his gaze, her eyes never moving away from his._

_"However, I bet you already know that, so... let's move on. I'm kinda surprised. You still didn't asked me who I am or where we are."_

_"Even if I did, you wouldn't answer me. Besides, I already know who you are." His smile widened in amusement._

_"Wow... well, you're right. But since I like you so much, I'm gonna give you a clue. We're in a compound in Afghanistan. Now... I'm more interested in what you just said, what was it? You know who I am?" She lifted her chin and stared at him defiantly._

_"The White Ghost." When she said that his eyes darkened even more, revealing his true nature._

_"Bingo." He slowly walked towards her, until they were face to face. "Wanna know why they call me like that?"_

_"I don't care. You are just a traitor of your country, you are some common terrorist. I have no interest in you or your nickname." Even though she was scared, since she had just antagonized him, she was glad her voice had sounded so steady and fearless. _

_Anyway, he didn't react the way she had imagined. Instead he just chuckled and then started laughing again._

_"Damn, girl! You spit fire! I like you, I like you a lot! Ok, then... since you keep surprising me and it looks like you are tired of this back and forth, let's get down to business. First thing first, I believe I should introduce myself and, since you're not going... well, anywhere for now, I think I can trust that you won't reveal my name to some stranger. So... my name is Travis Crowe... What's yours?" She remained silent, moving her eyes to look sternly in front of her. She would not reveal her identity to this psycho._

_"Come on, you know how this works. I told you my name, it's only fair you tell me yours. Trust me, baby... it's not wise to be stubborn." He tried once again, but she ignored him, choosing not to think about his threat. So, when he got the exact same answer from her, he sighed and shook his head._

_"Alright... I'm trying to be gracious here..." Kensi didn't see the punch coming. She just felt a sudden pain in her left eye, and her head whipped backwards. "But it seems that whores like you need the hard way to understand things." She was still stunned, the blow had taken her completely by surprise, she didn't even have time to focus back, when he roughly grabbed her by her dishevelled ponytail and forced her to face him. Crowe looked like a completely different person now. His smile was gone to be replaced by an expression of hate._

_"Now bitch, are you gonna tell me your name?" She clenched her jaw, trying to control her breathing._

_"Tyra Banks." His hand tightened in her hair._

_"If that's how you wanna play it..." He hit her again, repeatedly. He kept punching her until her face was swollen and black and blue. She was now dazed with pain, she could feel blood running down her face, and black spots were starting to creep into her vision, inviting her to pass out. She couldn't do that, though, she had to resist._

_"Think about something happy." She told herself. "Think about his blue eyes." That thought actually gave her some of her courage and strenght back so, when he shook her head again, she looked up and spat the blood coming out of her mouth right in his face._

_"Go to hell, you sick son of a bitch. You can do whatever you want to me, but I'm not telling you shit!" Her heart was threatening to burst through her chest, and her breathing was really ragged, but still she was happy that she had showed him she wasn't so easy to scare, to break. She stared at him, challenging him, waiting for his look of shock to turn into one of rage, and getting ready for him to unleash his anger on her. That didn't happened. She could have never predicted what happened next._

_He wiped his face and then, he started clapping. She looked in confusion as a huge grin appeared on his face, a grin that quickly turned into a gleeful laugh._

_"Bravo! Oh my God, you're amazing! So tenacious, so defiant... I was just fucking with you but I gotta admit, you really impressed me, Kensi." She froze, blood drained from her face and, for a moment, her heart forgot how to beat. She was so taken aback that she wasn't even able to hide her shock. What? How could he know?_

_"Is it Kensi, right? Wait. Let me check that again." She was still trying to figure out how the hell he had discovered her name, when he took something out of his pocket and her world crumbled. It was her identification tag. With everything that had happened, she hadn't even noticed it was missing. Until now._

_"Yup, that's right. Kensi Marie Blye, born on July 29th, 1982. And look at this! What does it say next to your identification number? Oh yes. It says... NCIS." She stared blankly ahead of her, too worn out to do anything. She was done. They knew her name and her Agency, her situation had just gotten a thousand times worse. Fear started rising again, and when he leaned forward, putting his hands on the chair arms, encircling her by doing so, she couldn't stop a shiver from running down her spine._

_"You know, when Dawar told me he had taken you as a prisoner, I just though that we could have used you for getting some vague information on your military base and for... well, for other more obvious reasons." His voice was calmer now, almost soft, but somehow it was much more sinister and frightening. Listening to his not so veiled threat she sucked in a breath, feeling sick at the thought of what he was implying, and she couldn't help but tremble wen he moved a strand of hair away from her face, almost lovingly._

_"But this, honey..." He dangled the tag in front of her face. "This is pure gold. You are a member of one of the most important agencies in military. You have contacts, you have access to classifed information, you're entrusted with national security. See? With you I hit the jackpot. Who knew that they would have sent an NCIS Agent to kill me? An Agent who looks like you, by the way... Now, what I'm trying to say is that I want to now what's in here." He tapped on her forehead._

_Kensi didn't do or say anything, sitting very stiffly, too busy trying to mask her terror. She had never found herself in such a predicament and she was scared out of her mind: she knew what this man was capable of. She knew he was ruthless, and that he would have done anything to get what he wanted, but she couldn't give that to him. She couldn't betray her country._

_"I like you Kensi, so I'm going to make a deal with you. You tell me everything you know, and I'm going to give you a dignified death. You know you don't have a better choice. What do you say?" It took her a moment before his words settled into her mind: he was going to kill her, end of story. Her only choice was whether to die slowly or quickly. She was surprised when a part of her mind actually told her to talk, to give him everything, so to escape the pain that was sure to come. But then she forcefully drove away that thought: she was Kensi Blye, an NCIS Agent, she was the best among the best, she had sworn to protect her country. She would not be a slave to her fear, she would not break. So she looked up and stared right into his eyes, before answering him with a strong and firm voice._

_"No."_

_Crowe sneered at her, then got up and walked around her, until she heard him stop behind her._

_"Maybe you didn't understand your situation completely." He leaned forward and placed his hands on her shoulders. His voice was a whisper now. "Dying quickly is your best prospect. The alternative..." His hands slid down her chest, leaving a trail of goosebumps wherever he was touching her, and stopped right before her shirt, fingers slipping almost casually under the hem to lightly caress her breasts. She clenched her teeth in discomfort at that unwanted touch. "You don't want that, girl. You cannot imagine the things I could do to you... the things I will do to you... You will experience pain and humiliation and despair like never before in your entire life. You will suffer so much that you will beg me to kill you, but it will be too late and you will keep suffering. Trust me, a pretty thing like you... you won't survive it. It will make you insane. Accept my deal, tell me what I want to know and I will spare you this fate."_

_Kensi realized her eyes were watering and she swallowed hard, trying to choke back the tears. It was really happening: she had been captured and she was going to be tortured for information. She had no doubt that Crowe would carry out his threats: she had clearly heard the excitement in his voice as he was talking about hurting her. He was someone who had beaten her up for fun, a sadist who was going to enjoy making her suffer. _

_She had never been so afraid in her entire life: she was feeling so scared and so alone, and now more than ever she wished that Deeks could be next to her, smiling at her, telling her that everything was going to be ok, even though it was a lie. For a moment she also wondered if that's how he had felt, strapped on that chair, waiting to be tortured by Sidorov. She had never been tortured: sure, she had been trained to endure interrogation, but she knew that nothing was actually going to be able to prepare her. She had had confirmation of this when she had found him bleeding in the warehouse. Nothing could prepare you to be tortured._

_She knew she couldn't give in, though. It wasn't just about being an NCIS Agent. Before being an Agent she was much more: she was the daughter of a United States marine. He had taught her about honor, loyalty, integrity and bravery. Her father was the man she looked up to the most, and she had no intention of letting him down by helping a terrorist. If that wasn't enough, she knew Crowe was going to use her information to hurt as many people as possible, striking them where they felt protected, in the safety of their home country. The first thing he would have asked her would have been about her team, and there was no way she was going to put her family in danger. She would have died before doing something that could possibly hurt Deeks. __No, she had made her choice, even though she knew what was going to cost her._

_She took a deep, long breath, mustering up her courage, and, when she finally opened her mouth to speak, there was no trace of fear or indecision in her voice._

_"I'm not gonna tell you anything." She expected him to get angry, to hit her, to start torturing her right away, but he did nothing like that. Instead she felt him lean even closer to her, so close that she could feel his hot breath against her ear, sending shivers of disgust up and down her body, and then he let out a soft whisper, so soft and so terrifying at the same time._

_"I was really hoping you'd say that..." Then he let go of her and, to her surprise he started walking away, moving towards the exit, chuckling all the way._

_"You're a tough girl, Kensi Blye. I'm going to enjoy spending time with you. We'll have a lot of fun together..." He was mocking her, the smug look on his face and his cheerful tone showing just how much pleasure he was getting out of treating her like that. She was not going to accept that. So, just as he had opened the door and was about to get out, she spoke again, making him stop._

_"My team will find me." Crowe tilted his head in her direction, and she repeated that, more firmly this time. "My team will find me. And I will kill you." He stared at her, his expression a mix between amused and intrigued, then his grin got even wider._

_"Good. I want you to keep hoping. The brave ones and the hopeful ones are the most fun to break..." And after he said that, he turned off the light, closed the door behind him, and she was left there, surrounded by complete darkness._

Kensi was surprised by how clear the memory of that day was. She could remember very well the way thinking about Deeks had given her the strenght not to faint, but she could also remember how much pain she had felt while Crowe was hammering her with blows. It was imprinted in her mind. It was also weird to think about how defiant and hopeful she had been: she had really believed her team would have found her, and they had eventually, just a bit late. Because she wasn't hopeful anymore. She wasn't Kensi anymore. She had been replaced by a broken person, by someone who could never be fixed.

"Agent Blye, can you hear me?" She snapped out of her thoughts when she realized that Vance was talking to her, so she shifted the focus to him.

"Sorry, what were you saying?"

"I was asking you about the White Ghost." She nodded.

"Yes. Travis Crowe..."

"What do you know about him?" What did she know? A lot. She knew that he was a sadist. She knew that he liked finding always different ways to torment someone, because not knowing what to expect would make things much worse for the interrogated. She knew he had a thing for brunettes. But she also knew that Vance wasn't referring to this, so she cleared her throat ad answered him.

"He's an ex-marine. You'll find everything you want to know in his file. He should be filed among the deceased."

"Ok, I'll make sure to read it soon. Now... you said he left you in the room. Why is that?" She paused, licking her lower lip, recalling the events right after he had left, or rather the lack thereof.

"I think he wanted me to grow weaker. I stayed there alone for two days... yeah, I think it was two days. They didn't bring me any food or water. Just when I was starting to... to lose track of time and being there was becoming unbearable, he came back and started... interrogating me." It seemed a better word than 'torture'. It made it easier for her to detach herself from the memories.

Even Vance, always so collected, seemed a bit upset by what she was telling him. He had understood what she was meaning, and even if he hadn't, he had read her medical report. She knew that this girl had suffered unspeakable things. And still, he had to go on with the interview. Because it was his job, because he had to put the Agency before everything else, even when it meant doing something disturbing. So, mantaining his emotional distance, he proceeded.

"What did he ask you?"

"...Everything. Names, contacts, locations... Everything I knew about NCIS."

"And did you tell him?" She looked down at her hands, thinking about the last time Crowe had asked her information, her voice extremely soft.

"No." The Director pressed her anyway.

"Are you sure Agent Blye? Are you sure that you didn't compromise the Agency, that you didn't reveal any information?" Hearing that she clenched her teeth, and for the first time in a while, she felt something resembling anger rising inside her. He was asking if she was sure. Well yes. She was. She was sure that she had chosen to suffer rather than betray her country, and she knew what that choice had cost. Because of that choice, her body and her soul were corrupted now, and still he didn't believe her. She couldn't accept that. Slowly she lifted her eyes and stared at him, without even blinking.

"I didn't tell him anything." They held each other's gaze for a while, in complete silence, tension rising in the room. Then Vance looked away and sighed, shaking his head.

"I'm sorry Agent." He said while opening her chart. "We're gonna have to go much more in depth than that..."

Kensi closed her eyes and couldn't help but cringe when she heard his next question.

"At what point did he start using fire?"

* * *

Deeks was sitting next to DiNozzo's desk, drinking his zillionth coffee of the day. Hetty was nowhere to be seen: he had no idea when she had disappeared or where she'd gone, but he really didn't care either. All his thoughts were focused on his partner, and every five minutes he was glancing back at the stairs, hoping to see her appear, so that they could finally go home, together.

"Uhm... can I ask you something?" He turned to his right and saw the agent with a dubious expression on his face. He nodded. He had been really nice to him since they had arrived. He was the one who had found an empty chair so that he wasn't forced to wait standing.

"I know it's probably not my business but... why did you react that way with Vance? I'm sorry, but I couldn't help but wonder." Deeks shook his head, to make him understand that it was ok to ask.

"No, it's fine. It's just... I didn't like the way he was treating Kensi. She doesn't deserve that..."

"Why? What happened, if I may?" Deeks paused, unsure if answer his question or not. It was about Kensi, it was personal, and he didn't know if he had the right to talk about it without her being present.

"It's ok if you don't want to tell me..." Tony said. The younger man then turned to look at him and something hit him: he didn't know why, maybe it was just a gut feeling, but he felt like he could trust this man. He felt like his goofy and childlike attitude was just an act, used as a protection, and that in fact he could be serious trustworthy. It took him a moment to realize that he was probably thinking that because that was the exact way he behaved the same way. Or, at least, he used to. Before everything happened. Therefore, even though it could be a risk, Deeks sighed heavily and chose to answer his question.

"Kensi was... she was held captive in Afghanistan for more than eight months. I thought she was dead, or I would have looked for her, I would have tried to find her..." A lump was forming in his throat just talking about it. He should have gotten to her sooner, he should have protected her. He couldn't erase from his mind the image of that circular scar he had inadvertently seen. Who knows what else they had done to her. He was shaking even just thinking about it.

"I know what you're talking about." He turned to look at DiNozzo, totally taken aback by what he had just heard.

"I mean... of course it's different but, I experienced something similar." Deeks stared at him with an interrogative expression. The DC Agent had now a very serious look on his face, and his eyes were distant, like he was lost in some old memory.

"I had a partner a while ago..." For a moment the glimpse of a smile appeared on his face and Deeks heard him whisper something like 'my ninja...', then he started talking again, his voice really low.

"Five years ago, she was captured by a terrorist in Somalia and she was held there as a prisoner for three months. I had no idea. I just thought that she had chosen to leave for good. Eventually we got information about her, but every evidence was saying that she was dead. My world tumbled down: I couldn't accept that. We kept digging until we found a lead. Probably it was going to be useless but, if there was even a chance to find her alive, I had no intention to waste it. So we got there and, unbelievably, she was alive. She had been alive the entire time. I cannot express the joy I felt when I saw her, and when we brought her home it was one of the best days of my life. So that's it. I know it's not the same thing, but I can understand how you might feel right now."

Deeks had listened to him in complete shock for the entire time. He would have never suspected that someone so playful could have experienced something like that.

Once he managed to overcome the surprise and to put himsef together, he realized that the man next to him was probably the one person who could actually understand him, the one he could relate to the most. He had already been through that, maybe he could help him figure out what to do. So, with an uncertain voice he addressed Tony.

"What about... later? What happened next?" DiNozzo turned to look at the blonde, and staring at him, he realized what he was really asking. Seeing the plea hidden in his eyes, he understood that he wanted to know if his partner was going to recover.

"It was... hard, at the beginning. Ziva thought she could play everyone but she couldn't do it with me. She was different, I could see it. More alert, more on her toes, less joking. In the end she got better, though. Day by day, she improved, until she put it behind her. I just wished I could have helped her more. We barely talked about it. She faced it on her own, even if I had told her that she didn't have to."

Deeks lowered his eyes. This wasn't what he had hoped to hear. Sure, he was happy that Tony's partner had recovered, but it had taken a lot of time. He wasn't expecting Kensi to heal miraculously, he knew it was going to take a while, but she had also been held captive for a much longer period of time, and he was afraid of that was going to influence her recovery. Plus, he had just had confirmation of the thing he feared the most: he was terrified that Kensi could try to deal with it alone, that she could try to shut him out. He knew how terrible that was going to be. She would have been consumed by the pain, and he would have been destroyed by the inability to help her.

"Hey..." He looked up, and found DiNozzo looking at him with a supportive expression.

"Ziva was a very closed person, really reserved. I wasn't expecting her to act in a different way. Kensi is a different girl. Besides... I saw you two together. You have a connection, that's undeniable. Just be there for her and give her time. Eventually she'll open up to you and she'll get better. Trust me, with your help... she will recover."

The smallest smile appeared on Deeks' face and he nodded, really thankful to the agent next to him.

"Yes..." Then his face clouded over and he turned around to glance at the stairs, a sense of sadness and worry invading him altogether.

"I hope so..."


	10. Chapter 10

**I'm baaaaaack! Hello guys, how are you doing? It feels like ages, well... actually that's my fault. Sorry, sorry! I was out of my country visiting a friend and I literally had no time to update. I apologize to you all from the bottom of my heart, I hope this chapter is enough to make you forgive me!**

**Anyways, WOW! 105 followers! 105! More than a hundred persons are following this story, that just so fantastic! And 61 reviews! My God, I cannot put into words my happiness! You are the best, I never get tired of telling you that. Your support is really appreciated and helps me everyday! Thank you! ****So, here's next chapter... I hope it was worth your wait, I struggled with it a bit. Just let me know what you guys think. What do you say? Do you think we can make it to 70 reviews? ;) ****I give you chapter 10... As always**

**Enjoy and review!**

**Disclaimer: I don't own NCIS LA**

Kensi couldn't do it anymore. She was exhausted. For hours Vance had interrogated her about every single event happened during those eight months, pressing her to tell him everything, to relive every detail, even the most painful and sickening ones. She had managed to detach herself from what she had been telling him as best as she could, but now she was reaching breaking point. It had been much worse than she had imagined, she was physically and emotionally drained. She couldn't hold out much longer.

"No. I don't know how many times I have to tell you, I didn't talk. I didn't tell them anything." Her frustration was increasing. She had answered to the exact same question over and over again, and it was starting to become extremely tiring.

"Why is it so hard for you to believe that?" Vance answered unflinchingly.

"Precisely because of what you told me. You said that at a certain point they stopped torturing you. There must have been a reason to..."

"I said they stopped interrogating me. I never said they stopped torturing me." She hissed at him, her eyes dark, fixated on the grain on the top surface of his desk. Just because Crowe had stopped asking her to reveal information, that didn't mean that he had also stopped hurting her. The Director had to understand the difference. She wished he could understand it so that she wouldn't have to explain how much worse it was being tortured just for someone's sick pleasure.

"Ok, I get that, but did the interrogation stop just like that? Crowe simply gave up?"

"No..."

Crap. She regretted having answered that question right after she opened her mouth: now she was going to have to talk about that, about Crowe's final attempt at getting information out of her. And she couldn't do that. No chance at all.

Unfortunately, as she had predicted, her answer sparked Vance's curiosity, and he pressed her to know more about her telegraphic 'no'.

"...So? Tell me about it." Kensi lowered her head and shrank in her chair, as if she was trying to become as small as possible, irrationally thinking that doing that would have hidden her from Vance's inquisitive look. She had done everything he had said, answered every painful, personal, humiliating question without protesting, finding the strenght not to break down, but this... She wasn't sure she was going to be able to do it this time.

"He... uhm... he tried to make me t-talk one last time, about... about a month and a half ago." Her voice was trembling much more than it had done until now, and her mouth was drying up. She was losing control rapidly.

"And? What happened then, Agent Blye?"

Her chest tightened and she felt her heart starting to race. She had to close both her fists to stop her hands from shaking violently. She told herself to calm down, to keep her emotions at bay, to distance herself like she had done before, but the situation only worsened._  
_

"He, uh... I..." She tried to speak, but her voice came out feeble and wavering, and she had to stop talking to hold back a sob that was threatening to surface. Shivers started running down her spine and her breathing became erratic. She did her best not to lose contact with reality, but her mind began to spin, taking her back to that day, to the worst day of her entire existance. She was aware that Vance was talking to her, but she couldn't understand what he was saying, it was just background noise. Because all she could hear now was those screams. Those pleading, heart wrenching, stomach churning screams. Those screams that had torn her soul apart.

Panic set in and all of a sudden she wasn't in the Director's office anymore. She was in that room once again. She unconsciously started rubbing her wrists, vividly reliving the pain of the cuffs cutting into them. She desperately tried to focus on where she was, and on what was happening, but her efforts were useless and memories took control of her, images she wished she could forget passing right before her eyes.

_She stopped struggling against the men holding her down as he flipped the coin in the air. She stared at it completely frozen, the thumping of her own heart resonating in her ears. She forgot how to breathe and everything around her disappeared, everything but that coin and the sound of metal cutting through air, impossibly amplified by her senses. Time slowed down as she watched that small piece of metal flipping upwards, despair and hope invading her at the same time. Her eyes followed its every movement with trepidation: head... tails... head... tails... head... tails... head... tails... head..._

_Bang_

Kensi tightly shut her eyes and bit the inside of her cheek until she actually drew blood. She didn't want to think about it. She wanted to crack her head open and forcefully take out those memories, those memories that couldn't be erased, those memories forever burned in her mind, reminding her of what she had done. A sense of shame and guilt stronger than ever racked her and made her eyes water. It had finally happened. She had managed to hold back her emotions and to mantain control throughout the entire debrief, but this time it was just too much and she couldn't stop a lonely tear from trickling down her face.

"Blye? Blye, are you ok?" She was so lost in her memories that Vance had to repeat his question multiple times before the brunette was actually able to realize that he was talking to her. His strong voice slowly brought her back to the present and her bloodshot eyes snapped open. She sat completely still, her body sporadically shaken by tremors that she couldn't control. For what seemed an eternity to her, she focused all her energies on pushing back the images running through her mind and, when she finally managed to suppress the memories and the emotions related to them, she was destroyed. Competely and utterly destroyed. That's when she realized that she couldn't have taken any more of this.

"Agent Blye, answer me. Are you..."

"No." Her voice was more similar to a hiss. "I'm not ok, Director Vance." She finally raised her head and stared right at him, her eyes cold just like her voice.

"Do you wanna know what happened? What happened is that Crowe used one last method to force me to give him what he wanted, and this method broke me. He managed to break me, just not the way he wanted to. So... to answer the question that you're about to ask, no. I didn't talk, even in that occasion, even after... after what had happened."

"You have to be more specific about this event you're referring to. You must tell me..." She shook her head, interrupting him.

"I'm sorry, I can't. I told you everything. I answered everything you asked, even the most compromising, degrading, shaming question, but I won't talk about this. All you have to think about is that you have nothing to worry, because I didn't talk. What he did made me beg to be killed, but I didn't talk. And when that didn't work, he simply stopped interrogating me, so... the heart of the matter is that I didn't give him anything. For all that matters to me, I've answered your question." She was shocked by how strong and steady her voice had sounded, and by how she had managed not to burst into tears in the middle of her speech. She had no idea where that strenght had come from, but now that she had done talking, she was feeling so worn out, like all her energies had left her all of a sudden.

On the other hand, Vance took a moment to compose himself after her surprising response, but then tried to act professionally. He could see very well that the agent in front of him had reached breaking point, and he himself wanted this debrief to end, but there were still a few points that needed to be cleared.

"Let's say for a moment that I believe you. That I believe that you endured all this and didn't break. There is still something that I want you to clarify. If you didn't give him anything, as you said, and he stopped interrogating you because he had understood that you weren't going to talk, my question is: why did he keep you alive? Why didn't he just kill you?"

After that Kensi's eyes dropped and she swallowed hard. She couldn't believe he was asking her this. Couldn't he seriously figure that out by himself? Did he have to force her to say it out loud? And yet, she was so exhausted that just the thought of prolonging this by choosing not to answer was unsustainable. So, after clearing her throat more than once, she spoke with a voice so feeble that Vance was barely able to hear her, all the confidence and the firmness from before completely gone.

"Killing me... Killing me would have spoiled their fun. And before you ask... I think you know what I mean, Director. You read my file."

Her words left him with no way to reply. Silence fell in the room for an interminable moment, neither one of them having something to say or the strenght to say something. But then he let out a breath and turned the recorder off.

"Ok, Agent Blye. I think it's enough." She timidly looked up, not sure she had heard right. Could this be possibly over? She waited silently for him to confirm that they were done, that she could actually go home. Vance crossed his hands together and leaned forward. She was surprised to realize that his tone was much softer, almost comforting.

"I am sorry for this, Blye. I know you are a good agent, you're the elite of NCIS, and your loyalty was never questioned, but after reading your file and especially after hearing your story, I had to be sure that our agency was safe. Nobody would have blamed you if you had given them information after what they did to you, and I am sorry that I forced you to relive all of it so soon, but in my position I must put NCIS before everything. Do you understand that?" She nodded but she didn't care about anything he had said to her. She didn't need his apologies, she needed to go away.

"Good. Now... I'll make sure that you are officially reinstated as an agent, but any other decision concerning your work in LA will be up to Hetty. She will decide if and when you are ready to go back." Even if she tried not to show it, that upset her very much. She knew that it was procedure and, honestly, she wasn't even sure if she was going to be able to be an agent again, but the idea that this could be taken away from her without her having a say in it at all was extremely distressing. Could she do anything about it, though? No. So she opted for thinking about it in the future. Now she just wanted to get out of there.

"Also, since this was a very extreme situation, I decided not to take any measure against the members of your team. All of them. Tell your partner that he is a lucky man. Any other day his actions would have cost him his job. That said, he better walk the line from now on, got it Blye?" She nodded once again, but for the first time in hours her eyes brightened a bit. Only Deeks could publicly bump heads with the NCIS director and get away with it. She had been so scared when he had stepped forward to defy him, because she didn't want him to put his career at risk just for her, but now she couldn't help but feel good about it. He had fought to protect her and he had won. She knew how wonderful he was but, she didn't know how, he could always find a way to amaze her even more.

"I'll have a flight to Los Angeles booked for you right now, so that you can leave as soon as you arrive to the airport." She looked up and saw that Vance was now standing. She had been so lost in thinking about Deeks that she hadn't noticed that he wasn't in his seat anymore. She immediately sprung up from her chair and her back cracked resoundly. She had seated in the same position for hours and her entire body was stiff. He walked her to the door and, even though her legs were sore and wobbly, she had to force herself not to run to the exit, so wishful she was to leave. Vance put the hand on the doorknob, but then stopped and looked at her. Suppressing the frustrated sigh ready to leave her mouth resulted to be really hard.

"One more thing Agent Blye. I asked Hetty a report about your rescue and she told me that Agent Callen and Hannah weren't able to identify any Westerner. Do you know how to explain it?" Vance didn't miss the way Kensi's jaw tightened when he mentioned her torturer.

"...Not long ago, I don't know precisely when because I had lost track of time... he left the compound. I remember him telling me that he had important things to do and he was... missing home. He told me that I shouldn't have had to worry though, because I would have seen him again and because... because he was leaving me in the capable hands of Dawar." After what she said Leon took on a very concerned expression.

"If I understand correctly, you're saying that not only he's alive, but also he..."

"He could be in the States, yes." She concluded. The information she just gave him deeply upset him. If there was such a dangerous terrorist on the loose, ready to cause who knows what damage to their country, he didn't have another minute to lose. Travis Crowe had just become his priority.

"This is a very serious situation, Blye. I have to think about that now." He opened the door and started walking out, leaving her completely baffled by the unbelievably abrupt way their meeting was ending. However, before walking away, he turned and stared in her confused and surprised eyes.

"We're done, Agent. Your presence here is no longer required. You can go back to Los Angeles." Then he leaned forward and, with a look that seemed almost supportive to Kensi, he said to her.

"You can go home..."

* * *

_Her legs gave out for a moment and she couldn't stop a gasp from leaving her mouth. Her entire body weight came to rest on her bloodied wrists, cuffed with a chain hanging from the ceiling, and the pain in the left one, already broken and throbbing, became almost unbearable. She frantically struggled to make her legs function and eventually she was able to stand on her tiptoes again and let out a relieved breath when the pressure on the wrists eased. Her eyes were squeezed as she was trying to regain control and fight the pain off, but when she heard him circling around her to stop in front of her, she immediatly snapped them open and lifted her head, to find herself staring at his hideous grin._

_"Aw girl, come on. You were almost there! I'm not asking much, just a little scream... Can't you stop being so defiant for a second and make me happy? It would be so easy..." He placed a hand on her hip and, while casually caressing her side, he suddenly pressed hard on her cracked ribs. The unexpected stab of pain almost made her legs give out again, but she managed to hold out and, biting her lower lip until she drew blood, she was able to suppress the scream that was threatening to escape._

_Finally he let go and, even though she was completely out of breath, she held his stare in satisfaction, happy that she hadn't given him what he wanted._

_"Ok, I gotta admit it. You have balls, I'll give you that. But now I wanna try something different, to spice things up a bit..." He walked to one of his men in the room who gave him something she couldn't identify. Then he turned back to her again and raised the object to her eye level. It was a blindfold. Even if she had no apparent reaction, Kensi was shaking inside. She had no idea what he wanted to do, but she knew it couldn't be anything good._

_"See, I want to test this theory, according to which torture should be much more intense and, well... funny, if the person being interrogated can't see. I believe that the bad part is that you have no way of knowing what to expect, and no way to prepare yourself for what's about to happen." She was disgusted by the glee she could clearly hear in his voice while he was talking about an even more sadistic way to hurt her._

_"So... since this is your first time, I'll give you a head start. I'll let you know what I'm going to use." She watched with her heart in her throat as he went near the table where his 'instruments' were._

_"Three options, Kensi. This..." He lifted a big serrated knife._

_"This..." He held up the whip, still covered with her blood from the other day._

_"Or... this." Cold fear settled in her when he walked to the brazier and took out a red-hot metal rod. Unfortunately she wasn't able to hide her frightened look from him, and when he caught sight of that, his smile grew wider. "Yes, this is gonna be fun..."_

_Knowing it would have been useless, she didn't struggle when he approached her, but when the blindfold was tightly tied behind her head and her vision was obscured, she couldn't help but starting to shake. She did her best to fight the panic that was rising in her, but with very little use. Not being able to see anything was beyond terryfing, she had no way to know what was going to happen or where the danger was coming from. She tried to focus on her hearing but it didn't work: the only thing clear to her was the sound of her own heart beating a mile a minute. So, completely unaware of her surroundings, she was startled when she felt a hand lightly traveling up and down her inner thigh. She squirmed in fear but was soon forced to stop since the movement was worsening the pain in her wrist. She couldn't do anything._

_His hand moved up her back, and then she felt the fabric of her shirt being ripped open, leaving her back completely bare. Hot breath tickled her ear._

_"What's gonna be, Kensi?" For an eternal moment she felt nothing, nothing except a bead of sweat trickling down her temple and a shiver running down her spine, making her tremble in anticipation and terror. But then she felt it. __Her brain registered a sizzling sound first, and the smell of something burning, but a fraction of second later pain came. As the red-hot iron was pressed against her back pain like she had never felt before hit her, shattering her mind, nullifying her defiance._

_Her willpower alone wasn't enough this time and nothing could stop her from releasing a blood-curling scream._

Kensi opened her eyes and shot up from her seat, desperately trying to suck air in her lungs. She took short, repeated breaths, blood ringing in her ears and her heart thumping frantically. Even though she started blinking to try and focus, it took her a while to become fully aware that she wasn't in Afghanistan anymore, but she was on the plane to Los Angeles instead. That didn't matter, though. She still felt like she was trapped in those chains, with that goddamn blindfold on. She could still feel the heat from the metal rod against her skin.

Passing a hand on her face she realized that she was soaked in sweat, so she got up and quickly headed for the toilet behind her. Unconsciouly, she noticed the head full of blond hair turning in her direction, but she didn't stop anyway. Once inside the cubicle, she rapidly locked the door and, resting her head against the small mirror over the sink, she let out a long breath. The coolness of the glass against the skin of her forehead felt really pleasant, and she closed her eyes, relishing that nice feeling for a moment. Without even looking, she reached down and turned the mixer faucet to cold. Then she finally opened her eyes and repeatedly splashed water on her face: the cold water had the effect desired and her head slowly became clear again.

She exhaled heavily: it had happened again. It was the second time in less than two days. When she was held captive, she had never had a nightmare. Maybe her mind was protecting her from reliving the horrors she couldn't escape in reality, she didn't know why truly. But now it was all coming back. Talking to Vance had only worsened the situation: she had been forced to spark memories that she thought were long gone, and now they were tormenting her in her sleep. She didn't want that. She wanted to forget. Everything. Everyone. She didn't need the nightmares, she was tormenting herself enough on her own, but maybe that was the price to pay, the price for being alive when she had no right to be.

Suddenly feeling like the air was lacking in that restricted space, she turned the water off and, after briefly checking that her face was decent enough, she finally got out of the toilet. As soon as she got out, she immediatly noticed three heads, Callen's, Sam's and Nell's, quickly turning in the direction opposite to hers, hoping that she hadn't caught them looking at her.

'Nice monitoring work, guys...' She thought to herself. However, she pretended she hadn't seen any of that and started walking back to her seat, but stopped after few steps. Her body was still lightly trembling, and the remnants of the panic she had experienced moments ago were still troubling her. If she had gone back to her seat, she knew she wouldn't have been able to calm down, at all. There was only one thing she could do: even if she knew she shouldn't have done that, even if she knew that she didn't deserve the comfort it would have brought her, she literally couldn't stop herself and, after getting past her original seat, she moved two rows ahead and sat next to him.

With the corner of the eye she saw him lifting his head from the magazine he was reading to look at her in surprise, but she didn't do anything except staring in front of her and waiting. She had been right: she didn't even need him to say anything. As soon as she sat next to him his presence and smell were enough to her, and a feeling of calmness and serenity washed over her, making her heartbeat slow down. She would have never been able to relax like this if she had gone back to her seat.

She didn't know how long they stayed like that, neither one of them doing or saying anything but, even though there was nothing awkward in their silence, she realized that she couldn't keep ignoring him like that, that she couldn't just use him to calm her nerves down. So, tentatively, for the first time since they had left the NCIS Headquarters, she spoke to him.

"Thank you..." Deeks looked at her slightly confused.

"For what?"

"For doing what I asked you. For not going off on Vance again after... well, you know..." She timidly looked at him and saw his expression changing as he understood what she was talking about.

After her debrief had ended, she had found him waiting for her with a small smile on his face, but after he had seen how upset and worn out she was, he had almost gone crazy. She had seen rage passing on his face and he had moved towards Vance, like he'd been ready to charge him. Kensi had understood immediatly what he wanted to do and had put herself before the angry man, trying to calm him down. After what the Director had told her, she couldn't afford Deeks to put his career in danger a second time.

At first he had tried to get past her, his anger almost blinding him, but then she had put her hand on his chest and had pleaded him not to do it, trying to make him understand that she was fine. Only then he had looked at her and she had felt his hertbeat calming down. They had stared into each other's eyes and finally he had reluctantly complied to her request.

"Hey, it's fine. I only wanted to face him because of the way he had treated you. It was never about me, you don't have to thank me. If I had realized that my actions would have upset you even more, I woudn't have done anything. I'm sorry I didn't understand it sooner. Seeing you like that made me go crazy, I'm sorry Kens. I just wanted you to be peaceful after the debrief. It shouldn't be you to thank me, it should be me to apologize to you." What he said made her almost smile. He was her selfless, crazy, reckless knight in shining armor, and she wasn't sure he realized how important he was to her, how important it was that, even though she'd had to stop him, she knew he was the man willing to fight for her.

After his words they were silent again: he would have wanted to talk with her for the rest of the flight, but her silent company would have been just fine. Having her next to him was good enough. So he tried to relax and went back to his magazine, thinking that they were done talking, but he was surprised when he heard her voice again, not only because she was speaking, but mostly because of what she was saying.

"There was a trapdoor..." Had he heard right? Was she willingly telling him about what had happened to her? "Vance asked me about the attack... I hid in a trapdoor, that's how I avoided the explosion." He straightened up in his seat, now completely focused on her words, and waited for her to go on. He didn't ask any question, he didn't say anything. He knew that if she was talking about that was because she had chosen to, and pushing her would have brought him anywhere. Even though he didn't know why she was doing it, he was glad that she was opening up to him, even if a little bit.

As she was talking, he noticed that her eyes were distant, like she was lost in God-knows-what memories.

"They captured me anyway though, and they brought me where you found me..." Kensi swallowed hard and stopped for a moment. It wasn't pleasant to relive that stuff again, but it was almost cathartic. It was completely different from when she had told the same things to Vance. She had no choice there, but with Deeks... he had never pressed her, she was voluntarily choosing to tell him. She was surprised to realize that, along with the discomfort she was experienceing talking about it, she was also felling something else, something close to relief. So she went on.

"In the compound I met..."

"The White Ghost." She nodded.

"His name is Travis Crowe." Kensi didn't miss the way his fist clenched when she mentioned the terrorist, but when he spoke, his voice was soft.

"If it's ok to ask... who is he?" She paused before answering and closed her eyes, thinking back to the day Crowe had told her his story.

"He's an ex-marine. He told me that he had enlisted just for having the chance to hurt people without having to face consequences. It didn't go as he'd planned and for two years he didn't fire a single shot. Then he was about to be sent home and, knowing that he wouldn't have had another chance to... have fun, he went on a killing spree. He was caught and arrested. He was on his way back to his base to answer for his crimes, but the chopper he and other marines were in was hit by a Talibans' attack and went down. He survived the impact, though. Only one of the marines who had taken him into custody was still alive with him. But he... to use his words... he took care of that." Just like it had happened months before, Kensi felt sickness rising when she thought back to the happiness in Crowe's voice as he was telling her about his savagery.

_"Have you ever cracked someone's head open with a rock, Kensi? Have you ever witnessed something like that? god, it's amazing. Words fail to describe it. The blood, the sound of the skull breaking, the expression of pain on that idiot's face... Seriously, it's a sight to be seen."_

She shook her head to try and drive his voice away from her mind. She briefly looked at Deeks and saw that he was struggling to contain his shock and sadness. She averted her eyes and moved on.

"This group of Talibans, the same that held me captive, saw him do that so, instead of killing him they brought him to their leader. I... I don't remember very well what he told me next exactly, but basically he 'earned' his trust till becoming his right man. And when he was killed in a shooting with US troups, Crowe took his place as leader and became the White Ghost... You didn't find anything on him because he wa believed dead by everyone." Her voice had never been louder than a whisper, but still she felt out of breath. The realization that if one single event had gone differently, if Crowe had died in that chopper with the others nothing would have happened to her threatened to overwhelm herand she had to stop before her voice could start cracking.

"Is he..." Apparently Deeks was having the same problem. "Is he still alive?" Kensi could clearly hear the strain in his voice, the struggle to keep calm and collected. She answered his question nodding and she could swear she heard his teeth grinding one against the other, so hard he was clenching his jaw.

"Is that why Vance left in such a hurry?"

"Yes... After telling him about everything else, I informed him about this." She didn't realize it, but her last sentence held for Deeks much more relevance that she could imagine. Her words, that 'everything else', so vague and terrifying sparked in him curiosity and fear at the same time. He wanted to know and he didn't want to. He had chosen not to follow her when she had gone to the toilet, but he had noticed her horrified expression. What could be so bad to make Kensi Marie Blye have such horrible nightmares? However, he didn't know if he was going to have another chance to talk with her like this so, even if he wasn't sure abut it, he decided to ask the dreaded question.

"Why, uh... why did Vance keep you so long? What did he ask you?" He saw her frowning and looking down, biting her lower lip, but eventually she surprisingly answered.

"He wanted to know... he wanted to know if I had given information. I told him no, but he wouldn't believe it. He couldn't believe that after... everything, I had managed to survive without breaking." That 'everything' again. It was so indefinite that it was scaring him even more. It had to be something terrible to make Vance doubt about her honesty, and he was feeling nauseous even trying to imagine what it could be.

"How... I mean, uh... how did you do it, then? How did you survive?" He asked with an even more faltering voice. Staring at her, he saw her eyes glistening, she closed her hands in tight fists, and she stiffened to try and hide her shaking. She turned her head away from him and he realized that he had gone too far, and now she was shutting down again. Knowing that presing her would have only made things worse, he sighed heavily and rested his head against the seatback, ready to spend the rest of the flight in silence, but then something happened.

He heard a single whisper, so soft that he almost missed it, but as soon as he realized what Kensi had said, he felt his eyes water, her words tugging at his heartstrings and taking him completely by surprise.

"It was you..."


End file.
